What up? My name is Tad. People my whole life have told me that I am rough around the edges. They say that I am abrasive or some shit like that. I've never really been able to figure out why they think that. I am a nice guy. I have a good heart. I love children. When I tell people that I love children, most people just nod and change the subject. They think that a guy like me is too rough around the edges to love children. I tell those people to fuck off.

I have dedicated my entire life to children. I am a touring tech guy. I have been touring around the world with Sesame Street on Ice for nine years now. I auditioned for Big Bird, but they told me that I was far too abrasive and rough around the edges for Big Bird. They cast me as Oscar the Grouch, instead. What the fuck? I can't relate to that jerk! So I quit, and joined the tech crew, because I knew that Sesame Street was my destiny. I asked them if it was because of my thick beard that made me seem abrasive or rough around the edges. They told me that was part of the reason, but the main reason was that I tried to saw off Snuffleupagus's nose with my skate. I tried explaining that Big Bird gets frustrated sometimes the way he flirts with Snuffleupagus and Snuffy pretends he doesn't notice, but he keeps leading Big Bird on like the big hairy mutant tramp he his. They said that that wasn't the image that Sesame Street was trying to project. I told those people to fuck off.

The real reason that I do what I do is for the children. If I can be a part of something that can make those little bastards smile, I am a happy Tad. Lord knows I didn't have anything to smile about when I was a kid. My dad died in the war. (look up to the heavens) The war was the name of a whore house on Lilac Lane that he went to late at night, because my mom had no arms or ears or vaginas. Sometime when dad was in the war, he contracted syphilis, and scratched his crotch to death. The paramedics found him dead one December morning with his weiner around his ankles. I loved my fuckin dad.

But not as much as I love children! I asked the execs at PBS why Sesame Street doesn't ever talk about things like the birds and the bees, because you can't always count on your parents to be around to explain those kinds of things. I was 25 before I found out what a vagina was. I tried to find out, but nobody would tell me. You see, you can't just go up to a lady and say Hey, how does your vagina work? That sounds far too rough around the edges. You have to be less abrasive and say something like, Pardon me, but I'm curious to learn more about the vagina. It is much easier that way.

Elmo was the one who turned me into a man. She was a wild little creature. She likes to be tickled. She made lots of sexy noises when I tickled her you know where. Some people believe that Elmo is a man, but I can testify that that is a false rumor. (begins to doubt himself) Unless Elmo lied to me about what a vagina is.

It's a hard life being Tad. It s a lot of pressure being on the road 400 days a year. It is very easy to become an abrasive, rough around the edges type person. I am a loner. I don't have a family waiting for me somewhere, or friends, or even a home. When I get too caught up in all the shit going on around me, I have to remind myself of the reason that I do what I do the children. When that happens, I take a deep breath and sing a little song: Happy Days/ Chasin the clouds away/On my way to where the air is sweet

BLACKOUT