If there's one thing I know for a certainty, it's that bowling is better than orgasm. Perhaps I say that due to the fact that I am no longer capable of orgasm as a result of a gruesome incident with the bowling ball conveyor in which my testicles were crushed like fresh saltines by my bowling ball, which was by the way, the Excalibur of bowling balls, and my scrotum was subsequently amputated from my body. However, to this day, I believe that it was well worth it. I had just shot a turkey in the tenth frame to seal the city championship for my team. It was the proudest moment of my life. This was the culmination of a lifetime worth of hard work, training, and a couple two-tree tousand Milwaukee's Bests finally paying off. I knew at that moment that the sport that had loved me unconditionally through the good and the bad deserved something in return. I made love to that bowling ball conveyor. Why? Because I was a champion, that's why. And I tell you what. It was the best sex that I had had in years. (Painfully remembers) Except for the end. That fucking sucked.

You see my first wife was a lousy, two bit whore. I never really understood what the expression "two-bit" whore meant until I met Snarl. When it came to matters down south, she wasn't the most sensitive beast I'd run across if you know what I mean. It seemed that we were the perfect match at first. Carl and Snarl. Now don't get carried away with the "awwww"s or anything, because it was hardly a match made in heaven, or even Waterloo. She was not exactly the Excalibur. While it was true that she was not the prettiest girl on the block, she did have a smile that could make babies cry, and that's my kind of girl. We did all sorts of exciting stuff back in the day. We went bowling, and…okay, we just bowled all the time, but listen, I was training to be a champion! And then she got sick and everything changed. (pause for dramatic effect.) She had a rare disorder of the blood which put her out of commission from bowling, so I didn't really see too much of her after that. Like I said, I was training, and Snarl wasn't all that sympathetic. (mockingly) "My face is on fire! I can't breathe! I swallowed my lower jaw!" I guess even then I knew that things just weren't going to work out.

Her health deteriorated very rapidly, and I wasn't getting hardly any sleep. One night I woke up and all her skin had fallen off. The next night her skin was replaced with brown scales. The next night she had grown four more arms and a tail. The night after that, she had grown 18 feet and was just drooling and crying uncontrollably. I was just getting tired of it. Here I was, training to be a champion, and not getting any sleep while my sick wife was turning into a damn alien monster! So I crushed her head with my bowling ball, the Excalibur. I felt a little sorry for a while, but it wasn't anything a couple two-tree Milwaukees Bests couldn't fix.

The thing about being a bowler is that it is a lonely life. I didn't much notice at first, since I was so busy training for the championship. But after I won our championship (with my turkey in the tenth frame), I didn't have anyone to share my joy, except for those nice people in the emergency room who were preparing to amputate my scrotum. Needless to say, along with the championship came a great deal of fame. I had appearances on Letterman, Regis and Kathie Lee, Jerry Springer, the phone just wouldn't stop ringing! And I enjoyed it, I guess, but for some reason all they ever wanted to talk about on those shows were my testicles and the bowling ball conveyor. They didn't really want to get to the bottom of who the real Carl Tool was, and they didn't want to get to know the real Excalibur. It made me a little sad, but it was nothing a couple two-tree Milwaukees Bests couldn't fix. I was a star. Movie offers came pouring in…I soon traded in my bowling shirt for Versace threads. And the old alkamino that used to get me to and from the bowling alley was now a stretch limousine. I lived the high life.

But there was still one thing missing. I enjoyed my money, but I enjoyed it alone. I thought back to the good times I had with Snarl…and that lasted about 45 seconds before I remembered her putrid, festering ugly alien last days on this earth. Even Milwaukees Best couldn't make me feel better this time. I had to get away from this fantasy world I was living in. I needed to go bowling.

I chose to go to the Ridgewood bowling alley, instead of where I usually went, which was the Thunder Lanes alley, because I didn't want to be reminded of the fame and fortune and aliens and saltine testicles that it had brought me. I went to the bar first to grab a beer and that is where I met the lady I had been searching for all along. The bartender, Soliel Moon-Frye, was the Excalibur of women. I told her about winning the city championship and about Snarl and my brush with fame, and it turned out that she could relate! She starred in a hit TV show called Punky Brewster as well as a couple of soft-core flicks once she became well developed…as an actress. Sure enough, Hollywood turned their back on Soliel, much the same way they did to me. We were smitten. We married and she became Soliel Moon-Frye-Tool. Ahh.

So I learned that all the championships and money and testicles in the world don't necessarily equal happiness. But a couple two-tree Milwaukees Bests sure as hell does! "The Excalibur" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"The Excalibur" debuted January 19, 2001, performed by Luke Pingel.

Performed at No Shame Charleston on January 24, 2003, by Aiden Feore.

---

[Back to Library]