(LIGHTS OUT, Real Luke is center stage as if his monologue is the entire text of this piece, oblivious to the happenings surrounding him)

CYBERVOICE

January 16, 2002. 10:58 P.M. Central Standard Time. Google.com search engine. Search for "Luke Pingel." 833 results found. Result number one: Cedar Falls No-Shame co-founder Pingel looks forward to the success of his new work…

REAL LUKE

I tell you this: Agatha Christie never got fucked the way she did by yours truly. Not even SHE could figure out how I traveled through time to pluck the Agatha flower. She said "Where’d you come from?" I said, "Hey you’re the fucking detective."

CYBERVOICE

Result number twelve: Cyclist Luke Pingel wins the Virginia Open for the second consecutive year…

CYCLIST LUKE (pretending to be riding a bike as he delivers his speech)

Can you say two-time Virginia Open champion, motherfuckers? I bet you can’t. Cause you are all motherfuckers. Lazy. Flabby. Hey you! When was your last CVW? Huh? (explaining) Cardiovascular workout! I forget that lazy people can’t relate to my acronyms. When was that? Whoops, never mind, I just passed you! It’s okay, keep mowing that lawn. It needs it! Not as much as mowing the cottage cheese off your thighs, though!! Ha! The speed of my wit is matched only by circular motion of my legs on my bike. What was that? Was that a comeback? I didn’t hear it cause I just lapped your ass! You ass! Do you not understand that I am chiseled much like a chisler’s final product. Probably not, because instead of becoming chiseled yourself you engage in MA’s. Mindless activities like reading. Why can I say these things? Because I, Luke Pingel, am a winner! And also chiseled!

CYBERVOICE

Result number ninety-three. Luke Pingel bombs at No Shame tonight.

REAL LUKE

So I said to Agatha: Are those breasts or pillows for my eyes?

CYBERVOICE

Result number two hundred forty-five: Why Seattle’s conservative political writer Luke Pingel is nearly as smart as Natalie Portman, though lacking many of her desirable attributes…

REPUBLICAN LUKE (writing at his desk, but speaking out loud)

We want to help, but not throw money at the problem. We want to help, but realize that might mean expecting some cultures to help themselves while we help them. To our discredit, those of us being yelled at by the likes of you have closed our mouths. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that people like you CREATED the silence you noticed before 9/11. You and your disrespectful, foul mouthed, Leninist tactics.

CYCLIST LUKE

I’m a winner goddammit. Luke Pingel. Don’t you forget that fucking name, because it’s the name of a champion.

CYBERVOICE

Result number four hundred eighty-eight: No Shame to perform at ACTF next week. Pingel expecting large turnout.

REPUBLICAN LUKE

And you know DARN WELL that your protests this weekend will be poorly attended, raucous, smelly, disrespectful, and downright stupid. And you can’t stand it.

REAL LUKE

And THAT my friends was one mystery Agatha Christie never could solve.

CYCLIST LUKE

Look at you, at your computers! Can you say losers! Probably not! Just because it falls easily off of my lips does not mean that you are smart enough to say it. Because if you said the word "loser" you have to look at yourself! Hahahahahahaha!!!! Keep reading, keep typing, keeping growing fat! That is what is wrong with this stupid country!

REPUBLICAN LUKE

This is best country in the world, and its necessary that we fight in order to preserve it.

And remember that Luke Pingel told you so.

CYBERVOICE

Result number six hundred sixty three: Review of No Shame Order 1/17.

REVIEWER

I couldn’t believe how bad Pingel sucked tonight. How many times have we seen the joke about having sex with an old dead celebrity? On top of that, it wasn’t even presented in a creative manner! Just bawdy and lewd, and I personally found it lazy.

REAL LUKE

There’s too much pressure.

CYCLIST LUKE

Are you crying yet because you feel lazy? You should be.

REAL LUKE

Trying to make genius every week.

CYCLIST LUKE

There can only be one winner.

REAL LUKE

Sometimes you just fail.

REPUBLICAN LUKE

This is a battle we cannot fail.

CYCLIST LUKE

You could be doing something else besides crying. Crying is inherently lazy in nature.

REAL LUKE

But what happens when there is nothing left to do?

REPUBLICAN LUKE

Prepare for war.

If performing this piece, change the name from "Luke Pingel" to the name of the person playing "Real Luke."

"Agatha Christie" debuted January 17, 2003, performed by Luke Pingel, Andy Schroeder, Aaron D (?), Kristi 31 (?), Jeff Lenhart.

Performed at Best of No Shame on April 25, 2003.

[Back to Library]