No Shame Theatre Archives (2006-2007)

No Shame Theatre Executive Board - Spring 2007
Patrick Ashcraft
Alyssa Bowman
Adam Hahn
Timm Sitzmann
Eli Wilkinson

1. The Author Engages in Five Minutes of Emotional Masturbation Culminating in a Psychic Moneyshot Across the Collective Metaphorical Face of the Audience by Jonathon "I really hate mediacom" Shelton
1.5 Bullshit Is for Gods Amongst Men by Eli Wilkinson
2. Out of Luck by Eric Landuyt
3. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa There Are 13 A's in This Title by Mirri
4. A Political Solution by Adam Hahn
5. Homosexual Andy & Homosexual Miguel by Jamal River and Michael Tabor
6. A Typical Practice Session, OR Why I am NOT a Music Major by John Froehlig Jr.
7. From the Advice Column of Renoir St. Allegro, Inmate #3257 by Katy Baggs
8. Whole Entire by Arlen Lawson
8.5 If a Genie Suddenly Came into My Possession I Would Request But One Wish, and It Would Be That I Be a Black Woman so That I Could Rightfully Claim My Place in the Movie Industry. by Alyssa Russell
9. They Don't Even Exist by Evan Schenk
10. The Captain by Timm Sitzmann
11. Crazy Talk by Matt Benyo
11.5 A Guy with a Deep, Grumbly Voice Reads The Far Side Aloud by Tah-Com
12. A P.S.A. Worth Listening To by Nick Beatty
13. Cat Ball Episode 1: Booger Does the Retard Tease by Jamal, Jake, Michael, Alyssa, + Booger
14. An Explanation of Star Wars: Episode I THE PHANTOM MENACE by Greg Machlin
15. Quote Boy by Patrick Ashcraft

1) The Adventures of Jon and Crazy-Girl! by Jon Shelton
2) Revelation by Sean Shatto
3) Does It Matter? by Evan Schenck
3.5) Om My God. It's Quiet Hours! by Eric Jesteadt
4) The Dinner Party by Sid Clissen and Eula Jean, Drama Queen
5) Oh Yeah (Party!) by Jamal River and Michael Tabor
6) Cullasmullaspullaslikkitakkan by Janani
6.5) Pie R Round by Nick Beatty
7) Butter My Bread by Eli Wilkinson
8) If I Had a Dick by Danielle Santangelo Is Not Here, Fer Serious
9) A Communist Manifesto By Sammi Levine and Four Other Not-so-Amazing People
10) Racism Soup by Eric Landuyt
11) Cat Ball II: An Even More Plausable Possibility by Jamal, jake, Michael, Alyssa and Booger!
12) Music for Your Flying Car by Matt Benyo
13) But It Could Have Been So Much Worse... The No Shame Tell All by Rape Slaves Featuring Dr. Guy-Who-Knows-Stuff as Told by Anne "The Man" Frank
14) A Detailed List of All the Ways in which I Am Superior to Everyone and Everything by King Sophie
15) Six and Ten by Adam Hahn
16) Land of Warmth and Plenty by Arlen Lawson
17) A Scene at a Restaurant by Patrick Ashcraft

1) A Fuckin' Job Interview by Mortimer Snert
2) The Guest by Janani
3) Snot Water by Jamal River
4) Moll by Arlen Lawson
5) A Song by Fran Arant
6) I Cut My Finger on Spaghetti Sauce by Evan Schenk
7) Singularity by Nick Beatty
8) Tell Me Something True by Greg Machlin
9) The Fall of Rome by Mirri
10) Cat Ball Episode III: A Little Gas in the Ass by Jake, Michael, Jamal, Alyssa & Booger
11) Here Is an Old Thing I Wrote Because I Didn't Write Anything New This Week by Katy Baggs
12) Work-A-Day Number 37: My Only Vice Is the Fantastic Prices I Charge for Being Eaten Alive by Rape Slaves
13) A Little Joke at Your Expense by Some Assholes
14) Clowntopia by Steven Ptachek
15) Barnaby by Brian Lenth & Jake Gontero
16) I Have Nine Children by Patrick Ashcraft

1. MacHeartfelt by Janani (MacGyver in love)
2. The Desert Shone Blue by Arlen Lawson (lovers' quarrel, mountain driving)
2.5 Stuffed Tiger by Eric Landuyt (gift for girlfriend)
3. My Nightmare: A Piece Written in a Hallucinogenic Stupor by Eli Wilkinson (falling, voices taunting)
4. Professor Teeth: A Song by The C. Everett Poops
5. The Future of Gaming by Katy Baggs (video game is made of people)
5.5 A Very Good Example of My RAZR Wit by Michael Tabor (cell phone pun)
6. The Third Law by Professor Science (action/reaction)
6.5 It's My Birthday by Sad Green Monster (basketball assault)
7. XO by Christina Gulick (telling off bad friend)
8. Ellis by Matthew Benyo (dream of Ellis Island)
8.5 Arlen Quits Smoking by Mirri (carrot poor tobacco replacement)
9. An Exercise of Mental Agility by Timm Sitzmann (Timm has mental sex with most of us)
9.5 The Distinguished Gentlemen by Arlen Lawson (rape manners)
10. Sergio Leone by Evan Schenck (quick-draw vs. quick-toast-theft)
11. Adam Reads a List (events for the company calendar)
11.5 A Very Serious Moment in Which We Question the State and Direction of Our Lives by Eric Landuyt (men with sporting ball heads experience ennui)
12. Nigger-Sticks by Two Gooks and a Rape Slave (unhappy people, Jesse in a dress)
13. The Invisible Man by Patrick Ashcraft (marijuana addict wants to be leading man, invisible)
14. Dionysian Lovers by Jim and Tom (last minute addition song)

1. My Apologies for the Cover Last Time by Craig Reimpfer and Kyle Siek (A song featuring electric guitar, effects, and a drum.)
2. Keep on Dancin by Ephie (A sort of manager screams into a phone and at his assistant.)
2.5 Invisibility Isn't a Superpower Because It Pissed Me Off by Eric Jeastadt (Invisible man reads newspaper and girl runs into him, unknowingly.)
3. The Way of Ethan Hawke by Janani (A man's inner monologue at a Tibetan Monk place.)
4. Mr. Pee-Body by Michael Tabor (Mr. Pee-Body is a nickname for this guy whose body is made out of pee.)
5. FFI by Adam Hahn (A confrontation between student and principal regarding a mishap and Fatal Familial Insomnia.)
6. A Dinosaur Is My Friend by King Sophie (Sophie sings a song about Dinosaurs and how maybe they're not dead, they're just playing a trick on us.)
7. Revenge by Arlen Lawson (A spouse takes revenge against her husband for his still lingering love for his first love.)
8. Marionette by Luke Christensen (Monologue by man who has suffered from a controlling, puppet relationship.)
9. They're Grrr-eat By Eli Wilkinson (Eli eats frosted flakes, Patrick asks for some. Eli tells him about his anal warts and Patrick eats the flakes anyway.)
10. Poop Doctor By Jamal River (The Poop Doctor asks the audience members for a poop sample. Then decides to get it himself.)
11. I Love You Metaphorically by Evan Schenck (A monologue of different metaphors for desire, need, and love!)
12. An Exciting Western Adventure with Festively Colored Hats By Eric Landuyt (Cowboys with Festively Colored Hats try to have a wedding but the with intervenes and steals Elmyra. They pursue her to her lair, fight off a snake and meet a Magic lady/dude who helps them.)
12.5 You Should Have Been at No Shame Last Week by Greg Machlin (Greg hears about all the awesome stuff that happened last week and is mad.)
13. A Response to War by Patrick Ashcraft (The French are bombing us and the President turns to his National Security Advisor.... Quote Boy! Quote Boy is later killed.... But is he really gone?)
14. Mallory the Schoolmarm by Timm Sitzmann (Larry and Ted fight over their love, Mallory who chooses Sir Genevieve instead.)

1) A Seat at the High Table OR, My Buddy God by Brad Quinn
1.5) Discommodious Confessions Part 1 by Chicken & Biscuits and Cold Apple Cider
2)You've Heard This Before, But Now I Have a Guitar! by Mirri
3) Dr. Adventure and the Board of Inquiry By Evan Schenck
Pi) A Flash in the Pants by Katy Baggs
3.5) Discommodious Confessions Part 2 by Chicken & Biscuits and Cold Apple Cider
4) Experiment #385926589311 - B by Katie Lawson
5) Toby-Bick by Christina Gulick
6) Skeedles, Skoodles Skuddles an Adaptation/Collaboration of Timm Sitzmann and Malc and Robert Wingsh
6.5) Discommodious Confessions Part 3 by Chicken & Biscuits and Cold Apple Cider
7) Twin Magnets by Arlen Lawson
8) Ice Storm by Adam Hahn
8.5) Dis.... You Get the Picture by Chicken & Biscuits and Cold Apple Cider
9) 2008: Mortimer Snert for President by Mortimer Snert
10) People are Friends by Jim Morrison and the Rock Band "Doors" Arranged and Narrated by Jim Molla...
11) An Exciting Western Adventure with Festively Colored Hats part 2 by Eric Landuyt
11.5) Discommodious Confessions Part 5 by Chicken & Biscuits and Cold Apple Cider
12) Pizza by Andrew R. Juhl
13) Did He REALLY Say Mission Accomplished? by Jim
14) You Should Have Been at Village Inn Last Week by Adam Hahn

1. Welcome by Arlen Lawson (disturbing wedding, a birth)
2. Poor Richard's Jokenac! by Michael Tabor ("improv": Franklin meets Patton)
3. I'm Not Lazy by Cory Hate/Haight (toenails, war on terror, etc.)
3.5 Two Distinguished Gentlemen by Arlen Lawson (we still have options for our misogyny)
4. There's a Tiskey in My Whiskey by Two Guys and Janani (southwestern-style song about drinking)
5. Oingo Boingo, Kajagoogoo, Chumbawamba, & Spandau Ballet, Too! by Andrew R. Juhl (love, loss, lust through nonsense song lyrics)
6. Ooh, Valhalla is a Place on Earth by Katy Baggs (video games, hideous lives, vocabulary lessons)
7. Take the Forward Pass by The Smiling Method (ungrammatical inspirational monologue)
7.5 All Right, Okay by Jake Gontero (2 guys are repetitive, enthused)
8. The Cottage Cafe and Bakery by Janani (blind man wants the davenport)
9. Wire Ring by Adam Hahn (heart attack at WalMart)
10. If the Bitch Didn't Fuck Me, Her Kids Wouldn't Eat by Jon Shelton (toy light sabers, at war and in love)
11. Nigger-Sticks 2: The Niggering by 2 More Gooks, Another Rape Slave, 3 Spics, A Chink, angelo the WOP, and the Kike Who Funds the Nonsense. Directed by McDrinkey McDrunk & Anne "Lumpy Tits" Frank (hateful Jesse as an effeminate male)
12. Stiletto Cherries by Mirri (disappointing night out with a friend)
12.5 Granite State by Adam Hahn (new state motto)
13. Lost Generation by Eli Wilkinson (build-up to vehicular homicide)
14. The Second Session With Dr. Hartley by Patrick Ashcraft (lustful therapist)

SPRING BREAK - March 10-18 - NO SHOW

1. Rule No. 4 by Janani
1.5 My Big Problem by Eric Landuyt
2. Correspondence by Evan Schenck
2.5 Look into My Eyes by Eric Landuyt
3. The Orange Sketch by Greg Machlin
3.5 Time for an Exam by Two Doctors
4. Nothing Matters by Arlen Lawson
4.5 What Women Think by A Man Who Knows Women
5. Pumping Jake by Ousted Ellogs
5.5 Natural Urges by One of the people in this skit & it's not Eli
6. Nantucket by Emily Larson
6.5 Aids Baby 2 by Jan Sport
7. A Postscript to the New Edition by Timm Sitzmann
8. An Unorthodox Assassin by Jonathon Shelton
8.5 Why it Sucks to be Catholic . . . by John Froehlig Jr.
9. Flabbergasted Jakers In: A Wimple on My Soars by Michael Tabor
9.5 Insert Catchy Title Here, a .5 by Katie Lawson
10. My Seven Exes by Nick Beatty
11. So, You Want to Get Religious by Eli Wilkinson
12. Snap Rack by Michael Tabor & Jake Gontero & Jamal River

1. The Ugly Truth About Michael Tabor by Evan Schenck (MT has done many terrible things)
1.5 A Careful Observation on the Passing of Events in Which You Are the Spectator and I Am a Packet of Grape Jelly That You Really Don't Want to Use on Your English Muffin, but There's Nothing Else Really There, So You Just Consider It and Then End Up Rejecting Everything You Have Come to Know About English Muffins and Grape Jelly by Mirri (M's sad face)
2. Mirror Slut by Mirri (mourning a lover)
2.5 A Joke for Only Me by Michael Tabor (Jesse reads a joke, does not share with audience)
3. Coffee Shop Cock by Andrew Daniels (hot for male barrista)
4. The Dopest Ride in The World by Girl, Interrupted (coin-operated make-out machine)
5. The Orange Sketch, Part II, with Special Guest Star Flabbergasted Jakers by Greg Machlin (Greg kills amnesiac Jake with orange)
6. Movie Reviews with Mumbling Moraucst by Timm Sitzmann (unintelligible commentary)
7. Native American History Notes by Alyssa Bowman (Jesse reading AB's classroom notes)
7.5 A Confrontation by Evan Schenck (grapples cause a fight)
8. Fuck This by Sean Shatto (improvised song)
9. Liz's Talking Purse by Liz Byram
10. Sometimes My Dreams Are Haunted by the QB if Ya Know What I Mean by Luke Christensen (LC dreams of Hahn, being tormented by Quote Boys)
10.5 Let's Wake Shelton's Fat Ass Up by Eli Wilkinson (group talk w/Shelton via cell phone)
11. Bottom of the Ninth by Timm Sitzmann (retiring pitcher monologue)
12. I'm a Very Special Birthday Girl on a Very Special Day by Katy Baggs is About To Do Something Horrible (for her 21st, KB has become a streetwalker)
12.5 A Thing That I Made by Jake Gontero (Jake made something, does not share with audience)
13. Cordial by Adam Hahn (spanking, diabetes)
14. I Almost Didn't Make It by Patrick Ashcraft (homosexuality, Jurassic Park, robots)

1. Todd and Stan Play a Prank on the New Guy by Timm Sitzmann
2. Food Chain by Homo Sapiens (moving tiger, monkey, banana one at a time)
3. A Pointless Opportunity to Get Some Frustrations off of My Chest and Throw It at You, Even Though You Could Care Less. Besides Half of Which Is Stated in This Piece Is Only Partially True or Not True at All by Eli Wilkinson (writer loves/hates script)
4. Guess Who? by Celery Stalk(er) (Crackerjack prize: No Shame regular)
5. I'm the Biggest Asshole in the World, and I Love It! by Janet Bentley (the making of an asshole)
6. You Don't Need VH1 to Have a Best Week Ever (fingersnap) by Katy Baggs
7. Like Monsters by Louis Hayward & Jamal River
8. Song by King Sophie (wishing unhappiness on an ex)
9. Five-Minute Secret to Happiness by Adam Hahn (prank calls)
9.5 Liz Makes Love to a Dinosaur by Liz Byram
10. Trust Me, I'm a Doctor by Evan Schenck (should cancer lady trust shoeless doctor)
11. The Orange Sketch, Part III: Easter by Greg Machlin (dead Jake, Janani's Indian magic, NAKED GREG!)

1) My Last Night in Town - by Patrick Ashcraft
2) Eric's Tips for Meeting Girls #412 - by Eric Landuyt
3) Stay Gold, Ponyboy. Stay Gold. - by Jon Shelton
3.5) Thickheaded 1 - by Bradman and Christina
4) Unperformed Archives pt. 1: Lost to Sky and Sea - by Eli Wilkinson
5) Every Horror Movie Ever Made Ever in History of Ever - by Katie Lawson
6) Jake & Jakelina in: Who Saw the Most Pelicans! - by The National Treasures: Michael Tabor and Jamal River
6.5) Thickheaded 2 - by Bradman
7) Evan is Angry at You - by Evan Schenck
8) Every Disaster Movie Ever Made Ever in History Ever - by Eric Jesteadt, John Froehlig, and Katie Lawson
9) My Brief and Wild Affair with Suzy, Part one: In Which Suzy Does Not Appear - by Adam Hahn
10) 4th Time's a Charm? - by Luke Christensen
10.5) Snot Nosed performs - by Snot Nosed
11) Scandal on a Note - by Katy Baggs
11.5) Thickheaded 3 - by Bradman
12) The Drone King - by Matt Benyo
13) Rape Slaves Takes a Holiday OR Wait Until You See the Fuck Muscle on This Dude - by Ol' two-scarves meets Abbot and Costello who've already met a woldman and are now playing party games with said Wolfman because it's on their list of "Abbot and Costello's Top Nicne Super-fun Things you can do with a Wolfman", copyright 1956

Friday, April 20, 2007

1. Isn't It Obvious? by Jonathan Shelton
2. Two Chicks in One by Janet Bentley
2.5 ROFLcopter by Eargasm Incorporated
3. No Shame Theatre Presents: Michael Everglow and Sicily Sunshine in The Coziest Birthday Ever!!! by Professor Grumples
4. Ducks by Greg Machlin
4.5 I'm Pretty Sure This Actually Happened by Evan Schenck
5. Smarty & Fatty in: The Cake Judging Contest by The Two National Treasures
6. Galen Andrews Does Stand-Up by Galen Andrews
7. No Bridge, No Problem by Timm Sitzmann and His Troupe
8. We'd Only Be Ten Years Old (Crazy Old Mildred Wednesday) by Michael Tabor
8.5 Dogbreath by Eargasm Incorporated
9. The Great Apology by The Return of the Son of Cool Jesse
10. The True Story of Why I Hate Omaha by Derek Siebert
11. Quick by Arlen Lawson
12. An Invitation to an Assassination by The Driedel The Kittens
13. The Velvet Apple Butter Scene by Janani Sreenivasan
15. Kurt Vonnegut is a Famous Dead Person by Flabbergasted Jakers
15.5 We're Good with Children by Eargasm Daycare
16. S Is for Seppuku by Chicken and Dumplings and Cold Apple Cider
17. My Brief and Wild Affair with Suzy, Part Two: In Which Suzy Appears by Adam Hahn
17.5 The Problem with Pissing When You Are Schizophrenic by Eargasm Incorporated

Friday, April 27, 2007

1. Fuck Timm by Patrick Ashcraft (stealing Timm's writing, cock)
2. Fancy Feast by Jake Gontero (eating and discussing things Hedgie finds fancy)
3. Knot by Anne Sullivan (loving the peg-legged captain)
3.5 Seriously, Timm, I've Always Respected You as a Fearless Writer and Performer. Since I Returned to No Shame in 2004, You Have Been a Charismatic and Welcoming Presence. Your Work on the Stage and as a Board Member Have Made the Last Four Years Better for All of Us. Remember Your Goodbye Piece for Paul Rust, When You Made Us All Think You'd Knocked Out a Tooth Onstage? Remember King Buffalo? Remember When You Made That Coat Out of Hy-Vee Bags? There Is Love in Your Work, Timm. You Will be Missed by Adam Hahn (tiny acknowledgment)
4. Worst Day by Andy Lisle (radio man left by wife)
5. It's True, They Really Don't by Katy Baggs (mother struggles with newly robot son)
6. *Spits* Mike Hayden Sent Me by Luke Christensen (escaping conversation on plane with two fantasy conversations)
6.5 Seashells & Daisies by That Girl (Stephanie Dell) ("I heart Tim")
7. The Killer by Chris LaVoie (Jesse sick, with girl's head(?) in a bag)
8. Viva Soņando: A Meeting of True Minds by Janani (magic, dance, Rubik's cube with Timm)
9. Angsar's Monologue from "Iron Hymen" The Musical by Karl Gronwall (vomit/love monologue)
10. Doctor Adventure and the Severe Emotional Distress by Evan Schenck (negotiation with supervillain, attorneys)
11. Timm Tribute by Mirri (improvised testimonial)
12. Jon Shelton Gets Completely Naked on Stage, and You Know He's Totally Serious Because He's Done it Before and Is Crazy Enough to Do it Again, Because There Was No Nudity Last Week at No Shame by Jonathan "Smooth, Smooth Jazz" Shelton (Jon does solo performance of the next piece in the order)
13. We Do Not Rent Pets! by Alan Strait (animal shelter guy is a prick to student)
14. Red Hot Romance by Eric Landuyt (real romance novel prose)
15. All Your Rights Reserved by Jacy Jo (Emma resents offstage describer getting her name wrong)
16. My Personally Sincere Apology to My Actors by Eric Jesteadt (apology rejected, Eric killed)
16.5 The Untitled Monologue of Alex Crumbwell by Tim Sitzmann (beady eyes, vaginal strangulation, beady asshole made Alex queer)
17. 100 Words Elliptical by Arlen Lawson (an old friend, car wreck memory)
17.5 What Else Can I Say? by the Famous Sean Carter & His Rapping Voice (Timm does dumb things for Patrick)
18. A History of the Last 60 Years by Eli Wilkinson (modern US history = two guys shooting each other)
18.5 I Want to Be by Eric Landuyt (tampon song)
19. Dinosaurs? by King Sophie (what the museum of natural history lacks)
20. God's Plan by Elder Benyo and Elder Ashcraft (Mormons fall into pedophile trap)
21. My Brief and Wild Affair with Suzy, Part Three: In Which Suzy Departs by Adam Hahn (wedding, broken foot, lost love)
21.5 Summer Fever, Can You Feel It? by Mirri (they need to stop having sex on the floor)
22. Patrick Performs the Best of No Shame Order! by Patrick Ashcraft
23. Bear Sitcom! An Ursine Sonata by Timm Sitzmann (bear sitcom, baseball monologue, we get candy)

Best of No Shame
Friday, May 4, 2007

1. That Doesn't Even Exist by Evan Schenck
2. Scandal on a Note by Katy Baggs
3. Professor Teeth: A Song by Two Guys and Janani
4. Snap Rack by Michael Tabor & Jake Gontero & Jamal River
5. The Desert Shone Blue by Arlen Lawson
5.5 Aids Baby 2 by Jan Sport
6. The Orange Sketch by Greg Machlin
7. A Dinosaur Is My Friend by King Sophie
8. Racism Soup by Eric Landuyt
9. A Guy with a Deep, Grumbly Voice Reads The Far Side Aloud by Tah-Com (Jesse Blaine)
10. Crazy Talk by Matt Benyo
10.5 Arlen Quits Smoking by Mirri
11. S Is for Seppuku by Eli Wilkinson
12. Homosexual Andy & Homosexual Miguel by Jamal River and Michael Tabor
13. The Captain by Timm Sitzmann
13.5 The Dopest Ride in The World by Girl, Interrupted (Janani)
14. Ice Storm by Adam Hahn
15. Quote Boy vs. The Invisible Man by Patrick Ashcraft