rev. 12/11/98

[LIGHTS UP.]

[ADAM and CHRIS sit on the table. They act like they are speaking to each other, but their discourse is directed at the audience. They are in mid-conversation.]

CHRIS: Oh, hey... I saw Out-of-Place Man downtown.

ADAM: Who is he again?

CHRIS: Remember? That guy who used to hang out at the club? He was always dancing with the younger crowd, trying to look like he fit in…

ADAM: Short, black hair, always wore stripes?

CHRIS: Yeah.

ADAM: Loser Dave!

CHRIS: Yeah! And I tried to walk a different way to avoid him, but then I saw Creepy Shannon Guy.

ADAM: Ohmigod, what did you do?

CHRIS: Well I wanted to scream and run, but I think his vision is based on movement. So I stood really still, and he walked by like I wasn’t even there.

ADAM: Close call!

CHRIS: You’re telling me!

CHRIS: So then I saw Prissy Chris, and…

ADAM [looks confused]: Wait a minute. I thought YOU were Prissy Chris.

CHRIS: No, I'm Sex-God Chris.

ADAM: No, I don’t think so… You may be good, but… remember the Body God? Chiseled chest? Chiseled face? Chiseled…?

CHRIS: You mean the one with the—

ADAM: Yeah.

CHRIS: You’re right…

BOTH: Sex-God Chris.

[pause]

ADAM: I wonder if people have a name for me, too…

CHRIS: I haven’t heard one yet.

ADAM: Well let’s make up our own names! We can definitely do better than "Prissy Chris"…

CHRIS: No doubt. [prissily, but unaffected.] I am not prissy!

ADAM: So… are you a full-fledged psychiatrist yet? Licensed?

CHRIS: Yep.

ADAM: Okay…. How about "Dr. Chris"? Simple, yet elegant; approachable, but invoking respect. What do you think?

CHRIS: I like it! That’s really smart. [pause.] YOU’RE really smart… Brainiac!

ADAM: Excellent!

[Self-satisfied pause. Feeling pleased with themselves.]

ADAM [suddenly reaching out toward the audience as if to shake Chris’ hand]: Dr. Chris!

CHRIS [also reaching toward the audience, miming taking Adam’s hand]: Brainiac! So good to see you!

[Longer self-satisfied pause. Still pleased with themselves.]

PASSERBY [voice from offstage]: Hey guys, check it out! You can see right down into the basement apartment!

PASSERBY #2: No WAY! It’s Psycho Chris and Donkey Boy!! Let’s get outta here!

[ADAM and CHRIS stare off in the direction from which the voices came. Slowly they turn to stare open-mouthed at the audience.]

CHRIS (turning to face ADAM): Donkey Boy?

[ADAM shrugs.]

BLACKOUT.