James Erwin Rocks You Like A Hurricane, But James Erwin Has Reservations About Rocking You All Night Until the Break of Dawn
By (squint at paper for two beats) James Erwin

LIGHTS DOWN AND UP.

Gertrude Stein and Alice B Toklas sit at a table and drink tea prettily.

STEIN: Alice?
TOKLAS: Yes, Gertrude?
STEIN: I really do think I'm quite tired of your company.
TOKLAS: Fuck you, Gertrude.
STEIN: Of course, dearest Alice. I do hope you don't mind, but I've taken the liberty of inviting Ernest over.
TOKLAS: I fucking hate Ernest.
STEIN: Hating Ernest is perfectly acceptable, if you accept fucking hating Ernest, or Ernest accepts your hate or fucking or Ernest is perfect or hate is perfect acceptance.
TOKLAS: Aren't you the shit, Ms. Gertrude Fucking Stein.

(clomping- pause)

STEIN: Well, that will be Mr. Hemingway.

(clomping continues)

(PAUSE- Gertrude and Alice sip tea)

(clomping continues. Just when the audience gets completely sick of it, in bursts, omigod, ERNEST HEMINGWAY! JOIE D'FUCKING VIVRE!)

HEMINGWAY: BULL DYKE! TEA PARTY!
STEIN: Certainly, Ernest. Do have a seat.
HEMINGWAY: NO TIME FOR SITTING! LIFE! SPAIN!
STEIN: Of course. Would you like some tea?
HEMINGWAY: TEA'S FOR REMEMBERING! I LIVE! (PAUSE) LIFE!
TOKLAS: It's actually whiskey.
HEMINGWAY: YES, THANKS. (sits and guzzles 'tea' straight from the pot through this exchange)
TOKLAS: Gertrude, you have the most charming friends.
STEIN: Alice, sweetness, do you have some friends you'd like to invite over? (Alice hangs her head like she's gonna cry) Drink your whiskey, dear.
(Hemingway finishes drinking. Slam that pot down!)
HEMINGWAY: WHO'S THE LUSH?
STEIN: Oh, that's Mr. Pound. He was telling the most delightful story about Jewish bankers earlier. Ezra? Do finish that story. You left off in 18th century Genoa.
POUND: (mumbling drunkenly and not moving) Muh? Rispondi... uhr. Chou er pan wei. (Oh, he's done.)
TOKLAS: I love that story.
HEMINGWAY: ALICE- DON'T BE UNHAPPY. LIVE! (STAND AND DELIVER!) THE MOUNTAINS ROAR AT THE CLOUDS! EIGHTEEN DAYS AND THAT BOAT SAILS! LIVE! WAR! A BULL'S TESTICLE! LIFE! LIFE! LIFE!
STEIN: (stand and deliver!) Being happy is life, so being unhappy isn't being, and no being can be without being. Happiness!
POUND: (stagger to feet and vomit behind table!) Banks and factories! Maledicta! (pass out again!)
(Alice laughs. A lot. Hysterically.)
STEIN: There you are, dear! Now do share your joke with us! I can't wait to hear!
TOKLAS: Oh, just the horror of being alive.

LIGHTS DOWN

"James Erwin Rocks You Like A Hurricane, But James Erwin Has Reservations About Rocking You All Night Until the Break of Dawn" debuted November 30, 2001, performed by Aprille Clarke, Arlen Lawson, Mike Cassady, Jason Nebergall.

Performed at Best of No Shame on December 14, 2001.

[Back to Library]