This Skit Est Omnes Divisa in Partes Tres
J. Lin Erwin

-part the first-

Lights up.

James walks on and croons the following in the style of Frank Sinatra.

You let me violate you
You let me desecrate you
You let me penetrate you
You let me complicate you
Help me, I broke apart my insides
Help me, I got no soul to sell
Help me, the only thing that works for me
Help me get away from myself
I wanna fuck you like an animal
I wanna feel you from the inside
I wanna fuck you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed
Y'get me closer to God

(Lights down. While Dan comes on, James scats the 'closer' riff. Lights up. They sit in chairs on opposite ends of the stage.)

-part the second-

James: Say, Dan- the other day I was watching television and I realized how much I take it for granted.
Dan: (looks over longingly) I love you, James.
James: (pause) Yes. Well. Television. Sometimes (grates this out) I take it for granted.
Dan: I love you. (James glares at him.) Don't be mad.
James: GodDAMMIT, DAN! What does it say in your script?
Dan: (glances down and up) I love you.
James: Well, shit. I shoulda spellchecked. Lemme see that.
(they meet center stage)
James: see, Dan? It says right here, "I feel the same way about my ass."
(they look into each others eyes. One beat. They embrace and fall to the floor making out furiously.)
(Three beats, then lights down. Three beats, lights up. Dan and James, still making out, scream "WAIT! WAIT!" Lights down. Two beats. Lights up. Dan and James are standing back to back holding their scripts straight out in front of them.)

-part the third-

Dan: So this is the end.
James: Yes. This is the end.
(the following on top of each other)
Dan: Will there be another?
James: Can there be?
Dan: Should there be?
James: Should I be?
TOGETHER: Should we be?
(one beat)
James: So this is the end.
(they each drop page one)
Dan: I think I dropped page two on accident.
James: I think I did as well.
(They stoop to pick up page one. They drop page two while doing so. They stand, then stoop to pick up page two, but drop page one again. In frustration, they each take page two, set it behind them SO THE TWO PAGES SIT IN A PILE, and grab page one. They turn to grab page two, but realize the pages are mixed. They stare each other in the eye making false starts for the page. One beat. They begin to make cawing noises. The noises build to a full-blown avian threat display, with flapping arms, bulging eyes, and ear-splitting shrieks. In the middle of this, a MAN walks up and dumps paper all over the pages. Dan and James stare dumbly.)
DAN AND JAMES: Why the hell did you do that?
MAN: I didn't have a dollar.
(They all turn and face the audience stonily.)
LIGHTS DOWN.

"This Skit Est Omnes Divisa in Partes Tres" debuted September 11, 1998, performed by Dan Brooks, James Erwin and Brad Quinn.

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