Lights down and up.

Churchill: Now we're absolutely agreed, Franklin- that bloodthirsty monster shan't have anything west of Kiev.

Roosevelt: Of course, Winston. If we back down here at Yalta, Europe will be divided for decades- divided by an Iron Curtain in a great Cold War.

Churchill- Can I quote you on that?

Stalin enters and sits.

Roosevelt: Mr. Stalin.

Churchill: (grunt)

Stalin: Gentlemen. Let us begin with a discussion of the Oder-Neisse boundary_ what's that smell?

Roosevelt: I don't smell anything.

Churchill: I smell the demon weed.

Roosevelt: Now look here-

Stalin: We're not stupid, you know.

Roosevelt relents and places a large pile of reefers on the table. The leaders toke enthusiastically. Announcer enters.

Announcer: Hello. In order to denote the passage of time, I will emit three piercing shrieks.

He does so and leaves.

Stalin: Goddam. I'm still hungry.
Churchill: My neck feels strange...

Churchill bobs his head around during this next section.

Roosevelt: Joe- I love your mustache.

Stalin: Yes. Well, let us return to the business at hand.

While Stalin speaks, Roosevelt nudges Churchill, who stops bobbing his head. He whispers in Churchill's ear. They giggle and hold thejoints up like mustaches, stifling laughter.

Stalin: I believe the best way to contain any possible German counteroffensive is to increase petroleum stores in France and to increase the intensity of attacks on oilfields and railheads-

Roosevelt: My name is Joseph Stalin.

Churchill: I too am Joseph Stalin.

They giggle.

Churchill: I wish to discuss the settlement of post-war governments in the Balkans.

Roosevelt: I wish to be embalmed and placed in a public mausoleum.

Churchill latches onto 'embalmed' and repeats it in a spooky voice Roosevelt looks over and starts in too. They wave their hands at each other in a spooky fashion, getting into a slapfight. Churchill knocks Roosevelt onto the ground, where he flops FROM THE WAIST UP.

Roosevelt: The... pain... is searing! (giggles)

Stalin: This is so counterproductive.

Roosevelt holds out his arms and makes cooing noises. Churchill tries to join him but his arms don't work.

Roosevelt: I'm flying, Eleanor! I'm flying!

Churchill: I can't move my arms!

Stalin: Well, then- you won't mind if I annex the eastern third of Poland!

Churchill (helpless): Nonooooo!

Stalin: You fools! I will rule Europe! I will break the capitalist powers! Communism shall rule the world! And all because you decadent Westerners can't handle a quarter key! Czechoslovakia- Communist! Bulgaria- Communist! Poland! Albania! Romania, Yugoslavia, and oh wow look at my fingers.

Stalin steps to front center. Roosevelt whispers into his left ear, Churchill into his right.

Churchill: A man with a strange sigil on his brow shall destroy your works.
Roosevelt: Russians will follow a man who claims to have an atomic pistol.

Churchill: Russians will wear gaudy outdated clothes and still listen to Ratt and Poison in the year 1998.

Roosevelt: The statue of Lenin from Red Square will be sold to the owner of a truck stop in Oklahoma.

Stalin: Nyet. NYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!

Throughout this nyet, Roosevelt and Churchill prance around Stalin cackling. When he stops, they take up position behind his shoulders.

Stalin: I... have come unstuck in time.

Roosevelt: Let it go, Joe. Let's order pizza.

Stalin: I thought you were crippled.

Roosevelt: I'm acting.

They all share a hearty laugh and turn to go. Lights down as Roosevelt starts to fall over.

"The Yalta Skit" ou "Le Skit du Yalte" debuted October 16, 1998, performed by John Smick, James Erwin, Megan Gogerty and Jamal River.

Performed again at Best of No Shame on December 11, 1998.

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