"It Happened One Night" or "There's a Crawdad in my Urethra and he's Pointing His Claws at You" by James Erwin

It Happened One Night
or
There's a Crawdad in my Urethra and he's Pointing His Claws at You
by James Erwin

"IT HAPPENED ONE NIGHT" OR "THERE'S A CRAWDAD IN MY URETHRA AND HE'S POINTING HIS CLAWS AT YOU" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

James, Brad, and Crazy Lady sit at center stage.

All have a sheet of red paper in their lap. Crazy Lady is covering her face with hers.

James: I don't like these things.
Brad: You shouldn't.
James: Then why did we go?
Brad: Tradition.
James: Ah. Hey- what's over there? I'll turn my back momentarily.
Brad: I'll be back at two.

Brad puts paper over face.

James: Damn.

Pause.

James: Excuse me. Do you have the time?

Crazy Lady lowers her paper.

CL: It is ten til four.
James: Shit.

Crazy Lady brays out a grating laugh.

James: I said shit out loud. You think it is because I am dismayed at the time. Actually, I have said shit because you are a crazy lady. You are a crazy-ass lady and I don't want to talk to you. You are obsessed with the People's Republic of China. Your hair is dyed black and up in a bun with chopsticks through it and you wear brown contacts. I know for a fact that you have openly expressed approval of the Tiananmen Massacre, one because you are a sickening little toady of the Maoist gerontocracy, and two because you are wrong in the head. I am no longer talking to myself.
CL: Ni hao ma.
James: I am Korean.
CL: You looked like you have Asian blood. Are you only part Korean?
James: I am half Korean.
CL: Your mother or your father?
James: My mother.
CL: Let me guess. Your father was in the military and your mother met him when she was working on the base!

Pause.

James: You've_ talked to Asians before, haven't you?
CL: Yes! I hang out with a lot of Asian people.
James: Ah.
CL: You know, that's actually a pretty common hybrid.
James: Hybrid. Yes. I am a hybrid. Most children are produced by fucking, but I was created in a sterile lab environment.

Pause.

CL: I should go meet someone.
James: That would be good for you.

Crazy Lady puts paper over face. Brad pulls paper down.

Brad: Ready to go?
James: Not just yet. I can't think of a closing line.

One beat.

Lights down.

"It Happened One Night" or "There's a Crawdad in my Urethra and he's Pointing His Claws at You" debuted January 29, 1999.

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