copyright © 1991 Jeff Goode

Cupid, Demigod of Love

by Jeff Goode

      My name is Cupid. Demigod of love.
      Do you mind if I smoke?

      Which reminds me of an old joke: "Do you smoke after sex?"
      "Only for a few minutes till I cool off."
      Badum bum.

      So people ask me what I do for a living.
      I say "cause trouble". heh heh.
      Although, where I really make the big bucks is modeling for Valentine candy wrappers.
      Maybe you've seen this one.
      It's not the same without the diaper and the bow and arrows.
      I used to pose nude, but after Vanessa Williams I try to be careful.

      Which reminds me, I wanted to clear up this thing about the bows and arrows.
      Cause I don't know whose idea that was, but it wasn't me.
      Because, first of all, my aim is lousy.
      With a shotgun, maybe, but if I had to use a bow and arrow-- There would be a lot more people with free time on the weekends.
      And have you ever been shot with an arrow? Well, I have, and trust me: Not very Romantic.

      No, we use chemicals.

      I know what you're thinking. "This guy doesn't look like a chemist." Hey, fuck you.
      (catching himself:)
      I'm sorry. I'm sorry. As Demigod of Love I gotta be careful saying that to large groups of people.
      Actually, No, the boys down at the lab do most of the work. I mostly handle distribution.
      Usually we use large public water supplies.
      If anybody notices, we tell 'em it's Fluoride.
      It's hard to tell exactly how much to put in, though, so we make a lot of mistakes.
      Which is why I don't recommend you drink the water in Iowa City.
      And keep a safe distance from anyone who does.

      Large public water supplies.
      And suntan lotion. heh heh.
      I love to see a beachful of half naked people doin' this.
           (rubs himself all over)
      Anyway, I just wanted to clear up a few things. The stuff is NOT addictive.
      Okay. It's addictive.
      I don't use the stuff myself. Bad for business. You ever seen the movie Scarface?
      Besides which, I'm allergic. It gives me a rash and then I throw up. I know some of you have that reaction, too. I'm sorry.
      Anyway, I just wanted to clear up a few things about the bow and arrow and all. Thanks a lot. You've been great. I gotta get back to work. I love you guys. Just kiddin', I told you I never touch the stuff. I gotta go. Thank you all.
      (looking at the Audience slyly:) Oh, and hey.
      (devilish grin) Fuck you.

"Cupid, Demigod of Love" debuted February 2, 1990, performed by Rich Kurschner

This character goes on to be a principal role in the musical Narcissus & Echo by Jeff Goode and Larrance Fingerhut.

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