copyright © 2002 by Adam Hahn
(LIGHTS UP)
(Female lies on stage. Male sits at her feet. Throughout the piece, he paints her toenails. Male speaks to the audience, and occasionally to the female. Lines in quotes are delivered by the female)
"Listen, if we're going to be together, there are some things you're just going to have to accept."
I've been dating this girl for three weeks, and I've heard those words many times. Every time she says them, it's something new.
"You and I cannot be together with our clothes off at night. I don't want to explain it right now, but being naked with a guy when it's dark makes me feel like a whore."
Every time she says this kind of thing, I have to think of a reason not to walk away immediately- something positive to balance the growing pile of baggage she unloads on me.
I don't walk away right now because I really like painting her toenails.
I make the mistake of trying a joke, and as I open my mouth I am exactly four seconds away from getting punched in the head.
Dammit, woman! If you keep making rules, I'm going to have to. . .
(he is cut off when she sits up and punches him in the head)
You punched me in the head!
(she swings a backpack at him)
Ow!
(long, uncomfortable silence)
If I was smart, I would realize at this point that the woman I am dating has punched me in the head, and that the next words out of her mouth are not an apology.
"If we're going to be together, there are certain things you're just going to have to accept."
I tell myself that I am not walking away right now because she is sexy when she's angry. And she is angry a lot.
"Don't call me 'Woman.' Or 'Babe.' Or 'Chick.' Don't ever address me as 'Dammit, Woman!'"
She starts explaining something about the way her father yells at her mother, but I'm not really listening, because my head hurts.
I just concentrate on her toenails, and eventually she stops talking. Then I look up and see a look on her face that says:
"You haven't forgotten that I'm mad at you, have you?"
You've been kind of bitchy all day. What's wrong?
"Okay. This is just one of those things that you're going to have to accept."
I tell myself that I am not walking away because she has breasts, and if I stick around for another week or so, I think she'll start letting me play with them.
She is explaining why we can never hold hands in public, and I suddenly feel very cold.
I realize that I'm about to say something to her, and I'm praying silently that it isn't a lie.
I love you?
(LIGHTS DOWN)
"Male Prolongs Unhappy Relationship with Unaffectionate Female" debuted November 1, 2002, performed by Adam Hahn and Julie Zick.Appeared at No Shame / Charlottesville on February 28, 2003. Performed by Jane Jones and Seth Silverman.
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