copyright © 2002 by Adam Hahn

Maternity Leaves
by Adam Hahn

(LIGHTS UP)

(Female is seated center stage, facing away from the audience. Adam is positioned to deliver a monologue to the audience while speaking to her.)

     I don't want you to think I'm weird.
     No.
     I am weird. I want to be up front about that. I'm weird, but I'm harmless.
     Can I start over?
     I've never been good with women. And honestly, a lot of my problems with girls are my own fault.
     You've seen the ways I doom myself to failure. I wait too long to take action when I'm interested in a girl. I push away girls who seem interested in me. This is the biggest thing-- I choose to pursue women who are entirely unattainable, who would not have sex with me if I had the last penis on Earth.
     It's been suggested-- by friends, ex-girlfriends, even by my parents, that maybe I put myself in these situations because I'm not interested in women.
     That's not it. I'm interested in women. I'm really interested in women. It's just that the women who have been available to me have all been missing something.
     Have you ever looked at pregnant women? I mean, have you ever looked at really pregnant women.
     Oh, they're hot.
     Their breasts swell, and their bellies-- they're not fat, but they're huge. I can't even look at a pregnant woman without, I don't know, wanting to oil her from head to toe. At the same time, every part of her body is sending her a message: relax, lie down, elevate your feet.
     Do you see where I'm going with this?
     I don't have anything against Jeff. He's a nice guy, and I'm sure he'll take care of you. But you are never going to have trouble finding a nice guy to take care of you.
     What I'm offering you would be intensely passionate, but necessarily short-lived.
     For the next six months, you can wake up next to someone who will find you more attractive with every passing day. You will never be without someone to rub your feet, or to run to the grocery store at three in the morning. And if I have anything to say about, you will experience the greatest sex you've ever had-- as much of it as you can handle.
     But what you have to understand is that when you go into labor, that's it. I drop you off at the hospital, and it's over. At midnight, the carriage turns into a pumpkin, the horses turn into mice, and Prince Charming is in the OB ward looking for someone else to dance with.
     For half of one year, I can offer the kind of devotion and affection that most women won't know for even one day in a lifetime.
     What do you say?

(Female speaks)

     Adam, are you sure you're not gay?

(LIGHTS DOWN)


Maternity Leaves
(Script for Female)
by Adam Hahn

(Throughout this piece, you are seated, facing away from the audience. Adam delivers a monologue to you, and you speak the last line.)

ADAM

(at end of monologue)

. . . and affection that most women won't know for even one day in a lifetime.
     What do you say?

YOU

(speak loudly, you are facing away from the audience)

     Adam, are you sure you're not gay?

(LIGHTS DOWN)

"Maternity Leaves" debuted November 15, 2002, performed by Adam Hahn and Aprille Clarke.

Performed at No Shame / Charlottesville on March 28, 2003, with the following cast: Todd Ristau and J.D. Ruelle


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