(Mark is leaning against a table, like a cool cat.)

Mark: Hi. I’m Mark Hansen. You may have seen me previously on the No Shame stage in pieces such as The Sketch about the Shirt and the Sketch about the Restaurant. Remember? Sure, we all do. (Turns to the side.) Many of you already… (Turns back to the front.) Sorry, I thought I was on TV. To continue, many of you already know this, but I’m an incredible lay. Now, I don’t know who started spreading the word, but I think I have an idea. Am I right, sweet-cheeks? Thought so. Anyway, word spread throughout campus, and then the city, and the state, and, let’s just say it carried further than even I can imagine. So, long story short, I got a phone call the other day from a very important foreign person. And he told me some extremely exciting news. Are you sitting down? (Laughs.) I’m kidding, I’m kidding. Just a little audience humor. So, here’s what he told me: I am to receive the Nobel Prize for fornication, which is a fancy way of saying I’m an incredible lay! This truly is an honor for me, not only as the first in my family to have bestowed upon them such an honor, but also as the first American to receive the Nobel Prize, at least to my knowledge. So, tonight, I’d like to present to you my acceptance speech for the Nobel Prize in fornication. Okay? Here goes. "Hey. Thanks a lot. This is… this is something else. Listen, I heard somewhere the best speeches began with a joke. Try this one on for size: So there’s a guy with a tattoo of a naked woman on his chest, and he walks into a convent. And the nuns…

Heather: Boo! Boo! This stinks! You stink! He stinks! She stinks! We stink! They stink!

Mark: Please, I’m trying to work here. Do I conjugate in your place of business?

(She joins Mark onstage.)

Heather: Stink! Stinky stinkity! I hate you! You’re stinky and hate-y!

Mark: Okay, this is really unprofessional. Heather, please take your seat.

Heather: No, you take your seat! Take it to the cleaners! Because you stink! Pee-yew!

Mark: look, folks, for those of you who don’t know, this is Heather MacFombaComba, an ex-girlfriend of mine. She delights in mocking me. Are you satisfied yet, Heather?

Heather: Yes! Satisfied that you stink!

Mark: Heather, I don’t understand you. You go on and on about how much you hate me on the No Shame bulletin board, in your e-mails, letters and candygrams, and obsessive phone calls and late-night diatribes into my window. If you hate me so much, why don’t you leave me alone? You drive me crazy! And my roommate hates it, too. Right, Ian?

Ian: Jes, I dooooo!

Mark: See? What is it, Heather? Why can’t you just let it go? Is it my animal magnetism?

(He tries to pull a dog off his chest and succeeds, but at what cost?)

Heather: No!

Mark: What is it? Why do you hate me so much?

Heather: Because you hate little children!

Mark: That’s ridiculous! I don’t hate little children! I’ve never hated little… Okay, how little are we talking here? I mean, okay, so infants I’m not fond of, I’ll admit, but you understand, right? It just seems so unfair to me that you go through all that work and time to conceive a child that it’s a little disappointing when the end product is only like, that big.

Heather: You hate Friends!

Mark: Only the more recent episodes!

Heather: You’re a terrible lay!

Mark: Okay, now you’ve crossed the line into heresy, my little one. You don’t want to be accused of lying, do you?

Heather: It’s true! You stink… in bed!

Mark: You lie! Ninety-six thousand freshmen can’t be wrong.

Heather: How many times have you had sex?

(Pause.)

Mark: Well, the first few times set the standard for them all.

Heather: how many times?

Mark: (Beat.) Well, the first couple times set the standard-

Heather: How many?

Mark: The first time sets the standard for them all! (Pause.) I’m not getting the Nobel Prize, am I?

Heather: Not exactly.

Mark: That was you on the phone, wasn’t it?

Heather: Yes, it was.

Mark: I stink, don’t I?

Heather: You catch on quick.

(She kisses him on the cheek and exits.)

Mark: I’m sorry, ladies and gentlemen. Sorry for taking up your time with my naivete, sorry for presenting myself as something I’m not, but mostly I’m sorry because I led you to believe that an American would finally receive the Nobel Prize. Please forgive me. But know this- I’m an incredible lay. In my opinion.

(Blackout.)

"Better than a Man in that Respect" debuted March 24, 2000, with the following cast:

Heather: Arlen Lawson
Mark: Mark Hansen

[Back to Library]