Do Not Go Gentle into That Good Burger
By Markus Jerome Hansen
Shes my sister and my daughter! (Applause.) Thank you. Well be right back.
(Lights down. Back up.) And were back. Now, up till now, youve seen how to
improve your house, your children, and the aerodynamics of both. But Id like
to focus on a more personal issue, if I may. Now, this may come as a shock,
but believe me its true. See, while Im a complete success in business, my
love life is a different story. Dont be fooled by my boyish charm and my
sexy ocity, beneath it all is a very insecure man. Or should I say was?
(Turns.) Turns out I should. You know why? Because I have unlocked the secret
to the perfect relationship. Does this sound too good to be true? Cynic. Of
course it isnt! Not only that, its so easy! Let me start from the beginning.
Two years ago, I was at my lowest. I had failed miserably at both of my
attempts at relationships, and I was feeling pretty depressed. My gut instinct
was to crawl into a hole with a tub of fudge and my Seals and Crofts tapes,
and speak to no one. Heres where the story gets interesting. I know this guy
is saying, "finally!" Right? Im just teasing. See, most people would say that
was the wrong thing to do; that you should get back on that horse and ride
back into those singles bars. But I say: no. What I did was right, and let me
tell you why. See, while wallowing in my own self-pity, I did what any sane
human would do, read all the self-help books I could get my hands on. It
wasnt until I read that book by the famous psychologist whose name escapes
me; You are Your Own Best Friend that I hit upon the idea of taking that
friendship a step farther. And this is when I discovered my perfect mate
myself. Once I realized I was the right one for me, I began to care and
nurture the relationship. And I discovered how much I had in common with
myself. Why, Ive read all the same books, twice, I both know all the words to
the funniest parts in Animal Crackers, blush at the same Sugarcubes songs, all
of them, and Im always in the same mood for the same types of food. I know
myself so well; Ive even begun fi finishing my own sentences. As you can
see, Ive grown very attached to myself. And you can have this kind of
happiness, too! Its no longer a dream! Just send for my book; Self-Love: How
to Hook Yourself Up with Yourself, care of Johnny Handsome, box 683, Tallulah
Bankhead, Michigan, 44444. Now, were gonna take another little break, but
when we come back, Im gonna share some tips from the book on how to spice up
your self-relationship, like sending yourself flowers, and role-reversal. So
stick around. Im not moving, and neither am I.
"Do Not Go Gentle into That Good Burger" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"Do Not Go Gentle into That Good Burger" debuted November 10, 2000, performed by Mark Hansen.