Agnes Moorhead is Not a Euphemism
By Markus Markus Hansenfilms, Ltd.
(Ed is searching the stage. He stops, addresses the audience.)
My father. His heart is in the right place. But his lungs are where his stomach should be, and his stomach is where his bladder should be, and his bladder is where his foot should be, and his foot, well, thats the six million dollar question. He has this detachable foot, right, and I swear he never uses the darn thing, but he throws a fit if he doesnt know where it is. Now my brother and I have misplaced it. We joke that hes hopping mad, but its really not that funny. Ive never seen him so mad. See, it used to be cute. I used to be cute. My brother well, hes still cute, but its fading. We used to steal my fathers foot and give it to him for Christmas. One year, it was a paperweight, the next my brother hollowed it out and it was a pencil holder. The year after that I attached a handle to it and it was a coffee mug. You see the progression. And Dad used to love it, hed say, "How cute, a paperweight," or "whats this, a pencil holder," or "please stop making Christmas gifts out of my foot." That was the coffee mug year. And I was real upset, you know, because I worked real hard on that, and, and Dad just doesnt appreciate an open mind. This year my brother and I worked together, and we made it a tie. But the worst thing happened. The dog got hold of it. And you know the second a dog lays its paws on a tie, it immediately thinks it can be a corporate trader. I mean, there are some lines even I dont cross. Just because I have a tie, doesnt mean well, it was a nice tie. Anyway, Ive been running up and down Wall Street with a milkbone, and so far no luck. None of the corporate traders look like my dog. Well, some, but I know the tie hes wearing.
"Agnes Moorhead is Not a Euphemism" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"Agnes Moorhead is Not a Euphemism" debuted December 1, 2000, performed by Mark Hansen.