By: Pookman

INTRODUCTION: Pretty recently I had a friend that didn’t feel much like living anymore. We didn’t always get along, but I didn’t want him to do what he did. His name was Dan, and he was one of those guys that was way too into vampires. I couldn’t make it back home for the funeral, but wherever you are, Dan, this one’s for you.

The crew (DAN, TOM, BILL, PAUL, JIM, and BRAD) is on one side of the stage. JIM has a stake in his hand. DAN has the reserve stake either hidden or in his back pocket. DRACULA is on the same side of the stage, but behind a curtain. VAMPIRELLA is on the opposite side of the stage, and she is also behind a curtain.

DAN: Keep your wits about you, men. We’re about to encounter the unholiest of all God’s creations.

TOM: Mormons?

DAN: No, vampires. We are vampire hunters. Hence, we hunt vampires.

BRAD: What about the Mormons?

DAN: There are no Mormons!

JIM: What about Brigham Young?

TOM: Yeah, he was Mormon.

DAN: Yes, yes. Brigham Young was a Mormon. There are Mormons. But we don’t hunt Mormons.

BRAD: Of course we don’t hunt Mormons. We’re vampire hunters.

DAN: Exactly. Yes. Good. Now, let’s get going.

BRAD: Who hunts Mormons?

DAN: What?

BRAD: Who hunts Mormons? You said we’re not Mormon hunters. That would imply that there are Mormon hunters. Who are they? I mean, what kind of sick person hunts Mormons?

DAN: Jim, would you mind?

JIM: Not at all. (Kills Brad with the stake.)

DAN: All right, are there any more questions? I didn’t think so. Now, watch yourself, men. These fiends are dangerous as can be, and if we want to beat them, then we must stick together and act like a team. So everyone shut the fuck up and do exactly what I tell you.

VAMPIRELLA: You guys make a lot of noise.

DAN: Stand back, crew. 'Tis a female vampire.

BILL: Hey, she’s kinda hot.

TOM: What?

BILL: I’m consumed by an all-consuming consumption. I want her. I need her. I must have her soon. Now. My heart is on fire. This must be what bloodlust is like for the vampires. I understand now. I finally comprehend the inner workings of the vampiric mind.

TOM: Or maybe you’re just horny.

DAN: Are you insane? She’s a creature not of this earth. An undead. Nosferatu. Vampire. She’s 300 years old. She’s 270 years dead. If she even kisses you, then you run the risk of becoming her demon slave for all eternity. You still think she’s hot?

BILL: I haven’t been laid in six months.

DAN: Hey, a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. But I must warn you. She may not kill you. These beings sometimes suck only most of the life from their victims, leaving the corpses–for lack of a better term–walking the earth as their slaves.

BILL: Explain these creatures to me further.

DAN: They have no thoughts in their heads with the exception of "kill the weak." They roam and plunder and murder and pillage decent folk and cannot be stopped short of tying them to a cross and burning them to ash. They are true incarnations of evil and the lapdogs of Satan, himself.

TOM: I always wondered where Republicans came from.

BILL: So, eh, can I get you a drink?

VAMPIRELLA: (Looks at audience and shrugs. Bites into the neck of BILL)

BILL: Ah! No! God, help me! Hmmmmmmm. Ahhhhhhhh. That’s actually kinda nice.

DAN: Psst. Bill, you’re supposed to say ‘Back away, foul temptress!’

BILL: I repeat, "SIX MONTHS."

DAN: Yeah, okay.

VAMPIRELLA: Ah, virgin blood. My favorite.

JIM: Shit! (Gives DAN stake and runs like hell.)

VAMPIRELLA: Who’s next? Come over here and let me rip your balls off.

TOM: Hold me, Dan. (Hugs DAN.)

DAN: Thomas, why do you have an erection?

TOM: I don’t have a stake, so I though I might impale her with this.

DAN: (Pushing TOM away.) That’s it. You just volunteered to send that beast back to Hell. Here’s the stake.

TOM: But if I get to close, she’ll rip my balls off.

DAN: Tom, you gotta make a decision. Now if you kill this thing, you’ve proven your worth as a man. What’s more important to you: your manhood or your balls?

TOM: Well why can’t we just blow up the castle? I don’t want to play these mind games.

DAN: Because with these creatures, you have to use brain and not brawn.

PAUL: I wanna use brawn.

TOM: Paul, you’d have to use brawn.

PAUL: Christ! All those acting lessons and all I had was a ‘bit’ part.

DAN: Gimme that. (Grabs the stake from TOM. Goes over and stabs VAMPIRELLA)

TOM: You killed the cute one!

DAN: It doesn’t matter which one I killed! Our job’s half done now!

DRACULA: Good evening, my name is Dracula, Count Dracula.

TOM: (DAN and TOM ignore DRACULA.) If it doesn’t matter which one you killed, why’d you kill the cute one?

DRACULA: I will drink your blood…

DAN: It was a random choice.

DRACULA: I will then eat your spleens…

TOM: It wasn’t random. You chose to kill the female vampire.

DRACULA: I will then chop off your heads and anally rape your decapitated bodies…

DAN: I could have just as easily chosen to kill the other vampire.

DRACULA: …Guys…

TOM: But you didn’t.

DRACULA: …GUYS…

DAN: See? That proves it was a random choice.

DRACULA: GOD DAMMIT! I’m Dracula over here! Pay me some attention! I’ve lead armies of undead through the rivers off Hell and back again; I deserve a little respect!

DAN: (Indignant.) Hey, hey, hey. Shut your fucking pie-hole. I’m talkin’ with my friend, Tom, here. I’ll be with you in just a moment. Jim! Wanna give and Tom a hand in here? The virgin-eater’s been run through.

JIM: (Pokes head out from behind curtain.) Really? Cool.

TOM: Now’s our chance. Let’s get outta here!

DAN: We can’t just leave Jim.

TOM: Not when you’re standing there, we can’t!

DAN: No! This ends now. Take my spare stake and go sneak-up behind him.

TOM: Got it.

DAN approaches DRACULA with stake held high. DRACULA takes stake from DAN.

DAN: Hey, give me that back!

DRACULA: Or what?

DAN: Or I’ll kill you with my bare hands!

DRACULA: If you could kill me with your bare hands, then you wouldn’t need the stake.

DAN: Damned you, Dracula. Damned you, and damned your logic. What are you going to do with me?

DRACULA: You have a strong will, Dan. You would make a fine vampire. I shall turn you.

DAN: Really? How’s the health plan? How good’s the sex? Do I have to drink human blood, or can it be the blood of some other animal? Answer the 3^rd question 1^st, the 1^st question 2^nd, the 4^th question 3^rd, and the 2^nd question 4^th.

DRACULA: You didn’t even ask 4 questions!

By now TOM should be behind DRACULA.

DAN: Yes I did. I said "Really?" That counts as the 1^st question.

DRACULA: Oh, right. And I answer that 3^rd?

DAN: No, you answer that 2^nd. The 4^th is 3^rd and the 2^nd is 4^th. This makes the 3^rd 1^st, of course.

DRACULA: (Distracted.) The 2^nd is 3^rd, and the 3^rd is 4^th…no, that’s not right–

TOM stabs DRACULA in the high back. DRACULA turns to look at TOM.

TOM: Learn how to count, Dracula.

DRACULA falls to the floor.

DAN: Well, now, that could have gone worse.

TOM: Four of our crew are dead!

DAN: Didn’t say it went great. I said it could have gone worse.

DRACULA: It’s about to get worse.

DRACULA gets up and grabs TOM and bites him. TOM falls to the floor.

DRACULA: Now, you will become one of us.

DAN: Whoa. Hold-on. Look; everyone’s dead. Let’s cut this out before one us does something he’ll regret. Why don’t we talk this over a nice glass of Arrowood ’98 merlot?

DRACULA: I never drink…

DAN: Whine, whine, whine. Fine, we’ll make a Guinness.

DRACULA: All right, then. You’ve sold me on the idea. Shall we?

DAN: We shall

DAN and DRACULA start walking off together.

DAN: Hey, Count, you were just joking about that anally raping my decapitated corpse thing, right?

DRACULA: (Deep laugh.) Muahahahahahaha. (Sober.) No.