copyright © 2000 Paul Rust

"All My Friends Have Been on the Covers of Entertainment Weekly"  (a monologue) written by Paul Rust

Man, oh, man… do I love my friends! They’re great people. If you met them, you’d probably think to yourself, "Damn… why can’t I have friends like them?" and then you’d secretly envy me for my good fortune. That’s how good my friends are.

How can they be such good friends you wonder? Well, first off, they’re always there for me. Like one time, I was eating a chocolate malt, right? And it accidentally spilled all over my shirt. Big problem, huh? Not if your friend is Scott Drakes. You see my friend Scott Drakes, he said, "Hey! We can drop by my house and I’ll let you borrow a shirt of mine!" And bam just like that! I got a clean shirt! That’s how good my friends are!

You should meet my friends sometime. They’d probably remind you of many popular celebrities. Like my friend Scott Drakes? He reminds me of Johnny Depp. He’s like him because he’s kind of broody and tormented, but you know that deep down he’s got a heart of gold.

Other friends remind me of celebrities, too! Like my friend Stacy? She reminds me of Julia Roberts. She has one of those big smiles just like Ms. Roberts (bow). In fact, one time me and Stacy were hanging out by Orange Julius at the mall and some guys walked by and I swear I heard them whisper, "Geeze… that girl standing by Orange Julius somewhat resembles Julia Roberts."

A lot of times people will ask me, "Hey! Don’t your friends ever get on your nerves?" And I’m like, "No way! Where do you get off saying stuff like that?" And they’re like, "Listen, man, no offense, but your friendships are so awesome! How do you do it?" And then I’m like, "Okay, okay… I understand… no harm done" and then I say, "If you really wanna’ know why my friendships are so awesome… it’s because when my friends piss me off, I imagine them as the celebrities they remind me of."

Take for example, Scott. Sometimes Scott does this irritating thing where he takes embarrassing baby pictures of me, Xeroxes them, and hands ‘em out to people at school. Now I admit this is pretty funny, but it still kind of irritates me, so what I do is imagine Johnny Depp doing it and then it doesn’t seem so bad. Because then it’s a big movie star like Johnny Depp pulling a prank on you, not your friend Scott.

Sometimes my friend doesn’t even have to be annoying me for me to imagine them as a famous person. Like I have this friend Ray, who sort of reminds me of Edward James Olmos. And sometimes when we’re hanging out, I imagine him as Edward James Olmos. And it’s cool because then big time movie stars like Edward James Olmos are sitting in my living room instead of stupid Ray.

I also got this friend, Carl. He reminds me of that Indian off that Nickelodeon show "Hey Dude." I have to squint to make him look like that Indian from "Hey Dude," but it's still pretty close. Sometimes it causes weird situations because we’ll be talking on the phone and I’ll get call-waiting and I’ll accidentally say, "Hold up for a second… I got call waiting, you Indian from Hey Dude."

I also have this friend, Danny. He’s like in a wheelchair and is crippled and stuff, but he’s still cool though. And since he’s in a wheelchair, he sort of reminds me of Christopher Reeve. Sometimes I even drape him in a red cape and staple a little plastic tube to his shirt collar, so he reminds me even more of Christopher Reeve. That way, when I get bored of hearing him sob, "You don’t know how lucky you are to be able to walk," it seems as if it’s actually Christopher Reeve bitching and moaning and then time just flies!

Sometimes it doesn’t even have to be a celebrity for me to quit despising my friends. Like one time I dated this girl named Amanda and everytime I had sex with her, I made her dress like my little league coach from the 2nd grade. Not that I’ve had sex with my little league coach or anything, but I often think about it, and by having her dress like my little league coach, I can actually maintain an erection during intercourse.

And it’s great because then I have friends. Friends that are on my terms. Friends as I want them. And that, my friends, is a wonderful thing!

So, yeah… I have great friends. You should meet them sometime.



"All My Friends Have Been on the Covers of Entertainment Weekly" debuted October 6, 2000, performed by Paul Rust.

Performed at Best of No Shame on December 8, 2000.

[Paul Rust's web site]

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