copyright © 2000 Paul Rust
“The Other Face on the Milk Carton” written by Paul Rust
ROY: Cheryl, Officer Williams from Missing Persons is here.
CHERYL: Oh, thank heavens.
WILLIAMS: Good evening, Mrs. Johnson. As I was telling your husband as we
were coming in, I want you to know that I’m going to do everything in my power
to get your child back.
CHERYL: Thank you, Officer, thank you.
Roy and Williams take their seats
WILLIAMS: Now let’s get down to business. What’s your child’s name?
ROY: Her name is Judith Winslow.
WILLIAMS: And what’s a basic description of her?
CHERYL: She’s eleven years old. She’s four feet two inches. Oh, and she’s
WILLIAMS: All right. When was the last time you saw her?
ROY: Oh geeze, honey… when was it? A week ago? Yeah, it was a week ago when
we saw her.
WILLIAMS: Excuse me?
ROY: The last time we saw Judy was a week ago.
WILLIAMS: Uh, I have a question, Mr. Johnson.
ROY: Sure, sure. What is it?
WILLIAMS: Why did you wait a whole week until you reported your child
CHERYL: Well, we didn’t know she was missing until an hour ago.
ROY: We were supposed to see her at seven and she didn’t show up.
WILLIAMS: Meet her where?
CHERYL: In the t.v.
WILLIAMS: In the t.v.?
CHERYL: Every Friday night at seven o’ clock, we turn on the t.v. to see our
little Judy and tonight she wasn’t there.
WILLIAMS: I’m afraid I don’t understand. Could you explain?
ROY: Officer, I really don’t know what there is to not understand about this.
Our child is missing and we need you to find her.
ROY: I’m sorry, Cheryl, but I’m worried, that’s all. I’m worried.
WILLIAMS: Okay… let me clarify. Every Friday night at seven o’ clock you see
your African American child on the television set.
WILLIAMS: I see. And on what channel do you see your child?
WILLIAMS: Okay, I get it! And I bet your daughter has an annoying next door
neighbor named Urkel.
CHERYL: Yes! Yes!
WILLIAMS: Of course! You’re talking about how the character of Judy Winslow
left “Family Matters” after the fourth season!
ROY: Dammit, Williams! What are we doing here sitting and talking?! We
should be out there getting Judy back! Right now, some bastard’s taking away
CHERYL: Roy, please have a seat.
WILLIAMS: Yes, Mr. Johnson. This will go much quicker if you just take a
seat and we get all the information.
ROY: You’re right. You’re right. I’m sorry. I just want our little Judy
WILLIAMS (being a smarty-pants): I’m sure you do. Now indulge me… how’d you
get that daughter of yours?
CHERYL: Well, I remember it very well.
WILLIAMS: No shit?
CHERYL: It was two years ago and Roy and I just got back from the hospital.
We were at the hospital because the fertility doctor had just told us that
Roy’s sperm was… how did he put it, honey?
ROY: As retarded as Corky from “Life Goes On.”
CHERYL: Right. Roy had sperm as retarded as Corky from “Life Goes On,” so he
couldn’t make babies with me. So when we got home, I naturally started to
cry. I mean, I’d never get to have a baby. So while Roy was in the kitchen
getting me some Hi-C to cheer me up, I turned on the television. And like a
little angel on the t.v. screen, there was our little Judy.
ROY: You should have seen her, Officer Williams. She was beautiful.
CHERYL: And that’s when we knew Judy could be our daughter. And she was there
for us every Friday night for the next three years, but then out of nowhere…
(chokes up) out of nowhere…
ROY: This is when it gets hard for her. We turned on the t.v. at the normal
time tonight and she was gone.
CHERYL: So we called you. Do you know where she could be? Is there any
WILLIAMS: That’s funny you bring it up. You see, I got a brother-in-law who
writes for that show. “Family Matters,” right? Well, anyway, he was talking
to me last week at a reunion about how they wrote Judy’s character out of the
show. Something like she was too close to her older sister Laura’s age, but
she was also too close in age to that little Ricky kid, so there wasn’t
anything interesting to do with her character. Besides, Urkel was a strong
enough character as it is, so the writers just decided to drop her.
Apparently, the actress is okay with it and all. So you probably won’t be
seeing Judy in any future episodes.
ROY: What the fuck are you talking about?! I thought you were a
professional! You come in here blabbing about “Family Matters” and writers
and episodes! I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about! Do you,
CHERYL: Not a clue!
ROY: Oh my God. The phone’s ringing! I’ll get it!
Roy runs to the phone as Cheryl sets up recorder
ROY: Is the machine ready?
Roy picks up phone
ROY: Alright, you son of a bitch, what’d you do with Judy?! Don’t play games
with me, maaaaan! Where do ya’ got her held up?! Tell me! They hung up.
CHERYL: That’s okay. We got ‘em traced… at the neighbors’ house!
ROY: I knew it was them! It wasn’t enough that they already had Rudy
Huxtable! Now they have our Judy! Get your jacket, honey!
CHERYL: We’ll get our baby back!
Roy and Cheryl join hands
FADE OUT AS QUEEN’S “WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS” BLARES.
"The Other Face on the Milk Carton"
IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED,
PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE
"The Other Face on the Milk Carton"
debuted November 3, 2000,
performed by Paul Rust, Michelle Thompson, Neil Campbell.
[Paul Rust's web site]