"The Unquestionable Genius of One Rutherford B. Corduroy"
Written by Paul Rust
NARRATOR WILTINGHAM stands atop a table. That table is center stage. WILTINGHAM speaks in a British accent.
NARRATOR: One breezy Saturday afternoon in Sunshiney Grove, a young boy by the name of Rutherford B. Corduroy was picking apples and tossing orange peels when he spied a glorious sparrow flying through the air.
RUTHERFORD strolls onto the stage. He sees SPARROW (a woman mock-flying).
NARRATOR: Remembering a melody he had learned in the academy, Rutherford whistled for the sparrow to come near. Unable to resist its tempting tune, the sparrow soared out of the clouds and perched upon young Rutherford’s lips.
SPARROW sets her middle and index fingers onto RUTHERFORD’s lips.
NARRATOR: With nary the sign of hesitance, the tiny bird nudged its beak between Rutherford’s lips and pried open his mouth. The sparrow had made an entrance. It gently hopped into Rutherford’s mouth.
SPARROW puts her middle and index fingers into RUTHERFORD’s mouth.
NARRATOR: Soon enough, Rutherford felt the sparrow laying multiple eggs onto his tongue. Within seconds, the tiny bird had laid not four eggs, not six eggs, but five whole eggs in Rutherford’s mouth. He then stretched his jaws wide open and with moist wings, the sparrow fluttered out and away.
SPARROW flies away and exits stage.
NARRATOR: And Rutherford B. Corduroy stood there… as the sky-blue eggs slid down his throat, plopped into his stomach, and dripped into his bloodstream. And those sparrow eggs were magical sparrow eggs. And they did what magical sparrow eggs are prone to do. They gave him knowledge. They gave him wisdom. Rutherford B. Corduroy now knew everything about anything.
RUTHERFORD: (child-like, semi-retarded) You hear that, folksies?! I’m the smartest boy in the world! (sings) I’m the smartest boy in the world. Smartest boy in the world. The smartest what in the world? The smartest boy in the world.
NARRATOR: And within one hour, people from all over the globe began visiting Rutherford to hear his wisdom.
NARRATOR remains standing on table for the rest of this piece.
RUTHERFORD: If any of you are wondering about something, ask me! I’d be glad to help! After all, I got the know-how for your bow-wow.
RAISIN-FEST enters.
RAISIN-FEST: (in an urgent and confused "I don’t get this" way) War!
RUTHERFORD: War is when countries sometimes get in fights. "You did this!" says Italy. "You did that!" says Alaska. Oh dear, how this infuriates me! Italy, you go to learn that occasionally… yes, people spill milk. Alaska, you need to bring a rag to sop it up before mom gets home from work! Agreed?! Agreeeeed?! Good! Now, let’s have ice cream and pizza!
RAISIN-FEST: Thank you, Rutherford B. Corduroy. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going out to end all wars!
RUTHERFORD: (singing) I’m the smartest boy in the world. The smartest boy in the world. The smartest what in the world? The smartest boy in the world.
As RUTHERFORD is singing, RAISIN-FEST exits.
PERM-HAIR enters.
PERM-HAIR: (in an urgent and confused "I don’t get this" way) Religion!
RUTHERFORD: Religion is very important to people! It gives them inner-peace and strength! (gets down on knees praying) "Dear God or Buddha or Allah, I am having a tough time in life! Will you please help me?! I need help a lot. Thank you. Bye!" (stands back up) Then God or Buddha or Allah says, "Sure, buddy! Anytime! Here you go!" And they send down angels to make you smile! "Thanks for the pizza and ice cream, Buddha! When the pizza’s ready, can you just stick it in my mouth?" Ha ha ha.
PERM-HAIR: Thank you, Rutherford B. Corduroy. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a God to find!
RUTHERFORD: (singing) I’m the smartest boy in the world! Smartest boy in the world! Smartest what in the world?! Smartest boy in the world!
As RUTHERFORD is singing this, PERM-HAIR exits.
FIRECRACKER MALONE enters.
FIRECRACKER MALONE: (in an urgent and confused "I don’t get this" way) Love!
RUTHERFORD suddenly calms. He is no longer child-like or semi-retarded.
RUTHERFORD: Love? Why, love…
RUTHERFORD dramatically stands up beside NARRATOR on table. FIRECRACKER MALONE gazes up at RUTHERFORD.
RUTHERFOD: Love is a very important thing indeed. Love is what keeps us going. Love is what helps us remember… and forget. Love is not one emotion. Love is all the emotions... wrapped up in one beautiful, bittersweet gift.
FIRECRACKER MALONE: I don’t understand.
RUTHERFORD: Excuse me?
FIRECRACKER MALONE: I don’t understand what you’re saying. It doesn’t make any sense to me.
RUTHERFORD: Well, love is… you see, uh, love is…
RUTHERFORD turns to NARRATOR.
RUTHERFORD: (stage-whispering) What’s going on? You said I was the smartest boy in the world. You said those magical sparrow eggs made me know everything about anything.
Beat. NARRATOR places his hand on RUTHERFORD’s shoulder.
NARRATOR: Oh, poor Rutherford, there never were any magical sparrow eggs.
RUTHERFORD: What? What are you talking about?
NARRATOR: I made that up.
RUTHERFORD: What? Why’d you do that?
NARRATOR: I wanted to give you confidence in your intelligence. It worked for awhile. You honestly thought you were saying something profound. In fact, you really convinced people. They believed your wisdom. I’m sorry it happened this way though. I merely wanted to make you feel better about yourself. Now, I’ve only made it worse.
RUTHERFORD: It’s okay, Narrator. It’s just that I feel like such a fraud. Such a phoney. Such a --
FIRECRACKER MALONE: (interrupting) Oh, wait! Wait, wait, wait! I get it now! Love is all the emotions wrapped up in one beautiful, bittersweet gift! I thought you said love is a few emotions wrapped up in one beautiful, bittersweet gift. My mistake.
RUTHERFORD: So now you understand?
FIRECRACKER MALONE: Yeah, thanks, Rutherford B. Corduroy.
RUTHERFORD: No problem.
FIRECRACKER MALONE: Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going out to spread love to all mankind.
FIRECRACKER MALONE exits.
RUTHERFORD hops off the table in glee.
RUHTERFORD: I’m the smartest boy in the world! Smartest boy in the world! Smartest what in the world?! Smartest boy in the world!
BLACKOUT.
"The Unquestionable Genius of One Rutherford B. Corduroy" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"The Unquestionable Genius of One Rutherford B. Corduroy" debuted February 8, 2002, performed by P Rust, A Clarke, AJM River, S Brenneman, M Cassady.
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