"Baby Eats Too Much Cake"
Written by Paul Rust
Paul enters from off-stage with a cocky spring in his step.
PAUL:
Hello, everyone. Im Paul Rust, a writer and performer here at No Shame Theatre. This summer, I wrote many scripts, which I planned to perform this semester at No Shame. Some of them were funny, some of them dramatic, but all of them brilliant.
In fact, I was going to perform one of the particularly brilliant sketches tonight. (walks over to table, picks up the script, and displays it to the audience) It was called "Baby Eats Too Much Cake." (sets script back down on table) In it, I was going to play a very mischievous infant (Paul begins laughing at his own idea) who eats this entire cake (Pauls laughter grows to the point where he can no longer speak intelligibly). Well, let me assure you it was a-brilliant.
And so I printed out this script and headed over to the theatre building, but on my way there, I realized my car was very low on automobile fuel. So I pulled over to the nearest automobile fueling station and began to "fill er up."
And thats when I saw it. It was this homeless man sitting by a garbage dumpster, whistling a tune. He was whistling that beloved classic "Somewhere Over That Rainbow" from the popular film "A Wizard of Oz is Here." I shall never forget the beauty of that scene. The juxtaposition between social injustice and hopeful optimism was a glorious sight. And when I saw that so much beauty could be found in real life, thats when I realized that I would not be performing something so fake as "Baby Eats Too Much Cake" tonight at No Shame Theatre.
Instead, Im going to show you real life. No pre-written script. No artificial behavior. No lies. Just real life staring you right in the face. All its warts and all its beauty.
So I need two volunteers from the audience a boy and a girl to come down on stage. (No Shame regular Jamal River stands up, Paul looks at him) No, Jamal, this isnt some stupid, made-up sketch. I dont want a No Shame regular. I know that maybe a difficult concept for you to grasp, but its true. I need real people.
(Paul chooses an actual random boy and girl from the audience. For the sake of a readable script, well call them "Joe" and "Suzy." They come down onstage)
(To girl) Whats your name? (Girl responds) Suzy? Oh, thats great. Thats a real, real-life name. (To boy) And whats yours? (Boy responds, Paul makes a disgusted face). Hmmm. Thatll do. I mean, I dont like it, but thats the whole point, right? Its real life.
(Paul examines Joe and Suzy) Oh, this is great. See, neither of you are very attractive, so its perfect. Because thats what real life is. Its not your George Clooneys or your Jennifer Love-Hewitts or your Eddie Murphys. It is bad acne and greasy hair and out-of-shape bodies. You two are gonna be great.
So what Im going to do is Im just going to sit out here in the audience and do nothing. And you you do whatever! I mean, thats what this is all about. Its real life here.
(Paul sits in the center aisle, near stage. The volunteers stand onstage. Ideally, they will feel awkward and not say much. After the initial encouragement of saying, "Just be yourself. Be real-life," Paul will fall silent. He then waits until the situation becomes uncomfortable and then waits a few more seconds until )
(Paul enters back onstage) Thats okay, thats okay. This is great. This is what I wanted. Real life has awkward silences. Real life has stale dialogue. Real life has ugly people.
(Paul turns and addresses audience) So just pay attention, ladies and gentlemen. What youre seeing right now is truth. Not your truth. Not my truth. Not Eddie Murphys truth. Truth-truth.
Its trailer parks and Wal-Marts. Its Pabst Blue Ribbon and baked beans. (passionately pumping fist into other hand) Its blue-collar workers and the common man. (disgusted) I mean, its nothing I personally like, but its got that down-to-earth quality I admire. Its the beauty of life brought to you by me.
Having said that... theres a fine line between real life and being incredibly fucking boring. So, Im just gonna break a little rule for the sake of the audience. What Ill do is Ill put you two in a situation thats very similar to real life. That way, we can still see real people with real problems, learn something about each other, who we are, blah blah blah.
(To Suzy) Okay, Suzy, heres the situation you live in an apartment and your room is right next to Joes (shudders at awful name). And Joe keeps playing his music too loud, so youve just knocked on his door and hes answered it and now youve got to tell him to turn it down. (directing them) And go!
(Paul takes a seat onstage, intensely studying the two volunteers. Expectedly, Joe and Suzy fail miserably when trying to perform this given scenario. Paul butts in.)
(Bluntly) All right. You two suck at real-life.
I dont know what your problem is. I mean, this scenario is so easy to approach. For instance, Suzy, all youd have to say is (Paul begins to jump back and forth, playing Suzy and Joes roles)... "Hey, Joe, your musics too loud." And then Joe, youd say, "No, it isnt. Uh, shut up. I can play my music as loud as I want. Word up." And Suzy, youd be like, "I dont think so. Youre being disruptive. Im trying to, uh, read one of my, uh, favorite works of literature." And Joe, youd be all like, "Uh... um "
(Paul has run out of ideas. He stalls for a few seconds, holding out an "um" and snapping his fingers, trying to fire up a thought. His eyes glance at the onstage table. In desperation, he runs to the table and picks up the script for "Baby Eats Too Much Cake." With the script in hand, he sprints back to the two volunteers)
(Running back and forth between Joe and Suzy) And then, Joe, youd say, "I dont have to turn down my music cuz (looks down at script in hand) Im a baby! And I ate too much cake!" And Suzy, youre his mom and youre like, "You gotta turn down your music! (looks down at script) And you ate too much cake?! Oh, dear! We gotta take you to the hospital!"
(Paul looks at Joe and Suzy rudely) Um, you guys can just go back to your seats now. (angrily) Leave. Now. (They exit stage)
(Paul resumes - running around stage, doing each character) And then the babys like, "I shouldnt have eaten all that cake! Now Im sick!" And then the doctors like, "Howd he eat all that cake anyway?" And then the mom says, "You know babies, doctor! All they do anymore is eat cake!" And then the babys like, "Doctor! Doctor! I think I just pooped my diapers!"
(Paul laughs at this joke laughing harder and harder until hes on the floor laughing, rolling back and forth.)
(To the audience as he laughs) He said, "I pooped my diapers!" (laughing) You cant beat that, people! You cant beat that!
BLACKOUT.
"Baby Eats Too Much Cake" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"Baby Eats Too Much Cake" debuted September 6, 2002, performed by Paul Rust & volunteers from the audience.