"Make Me Laugh"
Written by Paul Rust
LIGHTS UP.
Three girls (KATIE, MOLLY, and RACHEL) sit in a half-circle on center stage. Their backs are turned to the audience, facing the upstage curtains. These curtains are separated, creating a three-foot-wide opening. LAURA enters through this opening and stands in front of the three girls.
LAURA: This is my impression of Mr. Lloyd. (clears throat, deepens voice) "I have a tie with a polar bear on it!"
Beat. None of the three girls laugh.
LAURA: (still in deepened voice) "My breath smells like coffee!"
The three girls slightly giggle, but manage to stifle their laughter. Rachel puts her hand over her mouth to muffle the giggling.
LAURA: Rachel, you can’t put your hand over your mouth. That’s cheating.
Rachel lowers her hand.
RACHEL: Sorry.
Slowly, DAVID appears walking down the center aisle stairs and onstage.
LAURA: Here’s some more Mr. Lloyd. (in deepened voice) "I eat my own boogers!"
Rachel bursts out laughing.
LAURA: (pointing at Rachel) You laughed! You laughed! It’s your turn!
Laura and Rachel notice David is now onstage. Katie glances over and sees him.
KATIE: (half-angrily) David, what are you doing here? Mom told you to stay upstairs. Remember what we said about little brothers staying away when company’s over?
DAVID: I just wanted ---
KATIE: I don’t bother you when your friends are over.
DAVID: I wanted ---
KATIE: And don’t say you came down for your toys. They’re all upstairs.
DAVID: (nervously looking at Molly, Rachel, and Laura) Toys? What are you talking about, Katie? I don’t play with toys anymore. Toys are for kids.
KATIE: David, don’t lie. I saw you playing with your GI Joe’s this morning.
DAVID: (still nervously glancing at the girls) Those weren’t GI Joe’s. Those were… um… I was doing my taxes.
KATIE: David, what do you want?
DAVID: Can I… hang out with you guys?
KATIE: No. Go upstairs.
DAVID: But I’m bored.
KATIE: Go outside.
DAVID: It’s boring.
KATIE: Call a friend.
DAVID: They’re boring.
KATIE: David, go upstairs now or I’ll tell mom.
David breathes out and makes for his exit.
MOLLY: (speaking up) It’s okay, Katie. If your brother wants to hang out with us, he can.
KATIE: No. He’ll be annoying. Trust me.
MOLLY: Nah. (to David) You won’t be annoying, will you, David?
DAVID: (bashfully) Nooooo.
MOLLY: See, Katie? Let him stay down here.
LAURA: Yeah, he can’t be annoying as my little brother.
Pause.
KATIE: Fine. You can sit with us, but as soon as you start bothering us… you’re going upstairs, okay?
DAVID: Awesome!
David runs and takes a seat between Molly and Laura. Katie is off to the right. They are all seated with their backs turned to the audience, facing the upstage curtains. Rachel stands in front.
KATIE: It’s your turn, Rachel.
Rachel nods and goes behind the upstage curtain.
DAVID: What are you guys playing?
KATIE: It’s called "Make Me Laugh." Now shut up.
DAVID: (to Molly) What’s "Make Me Laugh?"
MOLLY: It’s when a person tries to make somebody else laugh. If you laugh, you have to go up and try. It’s Rachel’s turn now, so she’s trying to think of something in your sister’s room.
DAVID: Oh.
Rachel enters through the opening in the curtains. She waits for a moment to deliver her joke.
RACHEL: (clears hier throat) What do you call a penguin wearing pants?
David bursts out laughing.
KATIE: (angrily) David!
DAVID: (still laughing) What?!
KATIE: Play this game right!
DAVID: She made me laugh!
KATIE: She didn’t even tell the whole joke!
DAVID: I know, but… a penguin wearing pants?! That’s pretty funny, Katie!
KATIE: God, I hate you!
DAVID: (popping up from the floor) My turn!
David runs behind the curtain and quickly enters back in.
DAVID: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to another episode of "The Dog Catcher Follies!" In this episode, Dog Catcher Malone has to catch Puppy McRuff at… of all places… the swimming pool! Here we go again!
David dashes around, re-enacting the scene in Malone and Puppy’s voices.
DAVID: "Come back here, Puppy McRuff!" "Ruff! Ruff! You can’t catch me!" "Oh yes, I can! I’ll chase you everywhere until I catch you!" "Everywhere, huh?! Even up this diving board that’s really, really high?!"
David pantomimes a dog climbing a ladder. Molly, Rachel, and Laura begin to giggle, but David continues his scene anyhow. Katie is growing frustrated.
DAVID: "Yes! Even up a diving board that’s really, really high!"
David pantomimes Malone climbing up the ladder.
DAVID: "Now I got you cornered at the end of this diving board, Puppy McRuff! And there’s nowhere else you can go!" "Oh, yeaaaaah?!"
David pantomimes Malone leaping at Puppy McRuff and consequently falling off the diving board into the water.
DAVID: "Oh, noooo! Now I’m all wet because I accidentally fell off the diving board and into the water!"
Molly, Rachel, and Laura break into laughter. Katie stands, fed up.
KATIE: (tactfully) Okay, David, that’s enough. You can go upstairs now.
RACHEL: No, Katie, let him stay.
LAURA: Yeah, let him stay.
MOLLY: He’s not hurting anybody.
KATIE: No, he needs to go.
DAVID: Why?
Pause.
KATIE: We need some time where it’s just us girls.
CHAD: Can I still hang out with you?
KATIE: No, David. You need to leave.
Pause.
DAVID: Fine. (makes for an exit, then pauses) But can I at least stay in the basement?
Katie looks at the three girls (who are seemingly irritated by David’s possible departure).
KATIE: Yes, but you have to be somewhere else in the basement, okay?
Pause.
DAVID: Okay.
David walks away slowly and sits down on a table that’s downstage left. He is looking out to the audience with his back turned to the four girls. He’s pouting.
KATIE: Who’s next?
LAURA: I don’t know.
MOLLY: We were all laughing.
RACHEL: Except you.
KATIE: (playing "good hostess") Well then, I’ll go!
Katie stands up and trots behind the upstage curtains. A moment passes. Rachel, Laura, and Molly sit in chilly silence. Eventually, Katie appears through the curtains’ opening.
KATIE: (in deep voice) "Hello, everyone, I’m Mr. Lloyd. My breath smells like coffee." (beat, no laughs, continues impression) "I eat my own boogers." (beat, still no laughs, continues impressions) "And my breath smells like coffee."
Katie pauses and stares at the floor, realizing she’s bombing. An idea strikes her.
KATIE: (looks back up at the girls) Hold on one second.
Katie walks downstage left to David who’s still sitting on the table. She takes a seat beside him.
KATIE: (gently) David?
Pause.
DAVID: Yes?
KATIE: Do you… do you want to be in my "Make Me Laugh" routine with me?
Pause.
DAVID: You embarrassed me in front of your friends. You know that? Bringing up my GI Joe’s and all that. You made me feel stupid.
KATIE: I know. I’m sorry.
Pause.
DAVID: I want your friends to think I’m cool.
KATIE: I know.
DAVID: I want you to think I’m cool.
KATIE: … I know.
Pause.
DAVID: (quietly) Yeah, I’ll be in your routine.
KATIE: (just as quietly) Great.
Katie gently takes David’s hand and leads him upstage. David excitedly talks about potential "Dog Catcher Follies" scenes they can do. They both step behind the upstage curtains. Rachel, Molly, and Laura wait patiently. A moment passes and Katie appears.
KATIE: Ladies and gentlemen, now introducing my little brother David.
Katie motions for David to come out. There is hesitance. She breathes out impatiently, reaches behind the curtain, and yanks him out. David is completely naked.
All four of the girls (Laura, Rachel, Molly, and Katie) burst into uproarious laughter. Katie takes a seat beside the three other girls and continues laughing hysterically.
David stands there awkwardly, not getting the joke — hands shaking nervously, tears forming in his eyes. Slowly, the four girls’ laughter subsides.
AS SOON AS THE FOUR GIRLS’ LAUGHTER ENDS (AS WELL AS THE THEATRE AUDIENCE’S), HOLD A BEAT IN THE SILENCE AND THEN BLACKOUT.
"Make Me Laugh" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"Make Me Laugh" debuted October 4, 2002, performed by Paul Rust, ?? Pagen, Emily Yoshida, Danielle Kovalick, Michele Thompson.
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