"Confessions of a Horse-Head Son"
Written by Paul Rust
PAUL RUST (me!) stands center stage. To Paul’s right is JEANNE RUST (my mom!) sitting on a table.
PAUL:
Hello, everyone. I’m Paul Rust and I’d like to introduce you all to my mommy, Jeanne Rust. Make my mommy feel welcome, everybody. (audience soooo applauds) Thank you, thank you. (to Mom) Now, mommy, you’re probably wondering why I brought you up onstage. You’re probably thinking, "What on earth is my only son going to do to me?"
Well, allow me to explain. Ever since I was a little kid — even up until now at college - I would often do things that I knew you disapproved of. Now I always felt guilty for doing these things, but I’d feel even more guilty knowing that I wasn’t telling you about them. Luckily, I found a way to ease my conscience. Whenever I did something naughty, I would think, "Well, I’ll just tell her about it when I’m older. That way, it’ll be in the past and we can laugh about it and it won’t be as shocking and I won’t get punished as much. But in the end, I’d still be telling you, so that’s a good thing."
So, tonight, I’ve decided to tell you all the bad things I’ve done and never told you. And maybe we can talk it out and come to an understanding. Wipe the slate clean. Have a fresh start. And I thought I’d do it in front of a No Shame audience, so just in case you get angered by what I tell you, you’ll be too hesitant to yell at me in front of 150 people. (pause) So, are you ready for the first confession?
MOM nods.
PAUL:
Okay, okay. We’ll start off with the first one I can remember. (pause, takes a deep breath) Remember when I was five years old and you and dad caught me writing "TJ" on the basement wall with a marker? And you asked me why I did it… and I said because my friend TJ Tapper told me to? Well, I have a confession to make. TJ Tapper didn’t tell me to do it. It was all me. I wrote it on my accord without any influence from TJ Tapper whatsoever. I’m not really sure why I decided to write "TJ," but I did and I confess to it. (pause) I’m sorry. Do you forgive me?
MOM nods.
PAUL:
Thank goodness. I was so worried you’d say, "No." I’ve been tied up in knots for the past 16 years over that. (beat) Okay. Another confession. Do you remember when… I was about nine years old and our cat Alley would walk through the house all funny-like? Like this? (demonstrates weird kitty walk) Like she had something wrong with her? And the whole family would go, "Geeze, I wonder what’s wrong with Alley." And I’d join in and be all, "Yeah, no kidding. I wonder what’s wrong with Alley." Well, I did know what was wrong with Alley. You see, when I’d play outside, I’d see Alley and… I’d throw rocks at her. Now I’m not proud of that. I’m not proud. I can assure you that I’m a different person now. An entirely different person. Why, I haven’t thrown rocks at cats in at least three years. It’s just something I did back then and apparently, it really screwed up our cat. (pause) I’m sorry. Do you forgive me?
Mom nods.
PAUL:
Wonderful! Wonderful! I’m so relieved. (pause) Alright. Another confession. Remember the time when I was thirteen and you didn’t know where your curling iron went? Well, it’s kind of a funny story. You see ---
MICHAEL TABOR abruptly enters from stage left, interrupting Paul’s sentence.
MICHAEL: Hey, I got a confession!
PAUL: Michael, what are you doing?
MICHAEL: I’ve got a confession to make.
PAUL: So?
MICHAEL: Well, I want your mom to forgive me.
PAUL: Well, you can’t right now. She’s forgiving me. Wait your turn.
MICHAEL: Paul, you can’t hog your mom all day.
Michael pushes Paul out of the way, grabs a chair,
places it in front of the table, and sits down.
Dejected, Paul looks on from stage right. Arms
folded, face scowling.
MICHAEL: Hi, Mrs. Rust. I’m Michael. How are you? (pause) I’ve got a confession to make. When I was seven… when no one was looking… I would… I would stand on top of the t.v. set and sing "Uptown Girl." Do you forgive me?
Mom nods yes.
MICHAEL: Thank you, Mrs. Rust. Thank you. (beat) Now, when I was ten years old, it’s a different story. I would stand on the t.v. set and sing "We Didn’t Start the Fire" and ---
APRILLE CLARKE abruptly enters from stage
left and stands beside Michael.
APRILLE: My turn!
MICHAEL: Hey, I only got to make one confession.
APRILLE: Too bad. It’s my turn now.
PAUL: (still looking on from stage right) Hey! Need I remind you two that she is my mom? Not yours.
APRILLE: (repeating words in mock, whiney tone) Need I remind you two that she is my mom? Not yours.
Michael and Aprille laugh at Paul’s expense, then high-five. Michael gratefully steps to the side and Aprille approaches the table. She genuflects and
kneels beside the chair (like a Catholic confession).
APRILLE: Forgive me, Mrs. Rust, for I have sinned. It’s been seven weeks since my last confession. Last month, my ex-boyfriend who I despise greatly went to his mailbox and he found a turd inside. Now, I must confess --
MICHAEL: (interrupting) Oh, my God! You crapped in your ex-boyfriend’s mailbox?
APRILLE: No. Let me finish, Michael. Last month, my ex-boyfriend found a turd inside his mailbox and I must confess… (glaring at Michael to prove her point) … that I have no idea who did it.
MICHAEL: Oh.
APRILLE: You see, my ex-boyfriend thought I had done it and threatened to report me to the police. Well, I was so angry about the wrongful accusation that I went over to his house with a big knife and I ---
MICHAEL: (interrupting) Oh, dear! You stabbed your ex-boyfriend?!
APRILLE: No! Let me finish! I went over to his house with a big knife and I… (again, glaring at Michael to prove her point)… cut a big chocolate cake into eight, equal pieces and offered it to him. You see, the best way to make peace with someone is through a nice gesture.
MICHAEL: I keep interrupting you and in effect, misconstrue all the facts!
APRILLE: Unfortunately, my ex-boyfriend didn’t like the chocolate cake I had to offer him and he refused to eat it. (pause) So I tied him up, set him on fire, and watched him burn to death.
Silence. Michael looks around, wondering if
he should interrupt again. Paul is growing more and more frustrated with these shenanigans. After a moment of awkward silence, Michael speaks up…
MICHAEL: (quietly) So, is that your confession?
APRILLE: No, I skipped my Jazzercize lesson today. So much for that New Year’s Resolution, huh? (beat) Do you forgive me, Mrs. Rust?
Mom nods.
Suddenly, JAMAL enters from stage left, raising
the roof — with his hands!
JAMAL: All y’all assholes got to get out of my way! J-Town’s in da’ house! Word!
Aprille moves out of his way. Jamal takes the chair,
spins it around, and sits down in it backwards —
all cool-like.
JAMAL: Yo, Mrs. R. Got some confess-o’s to make-o. Numero Uno: I farted and blamed it on the dog. Number Two: From the summer of 1986 to the winter of 1993, I had a long-standing love affair with your husband! And Numero Tres: I once crapped in Aprille’s ex-boyfriend’s mailbox!
Aprille is outraged! Truly!
JAMAL: My question is: Do you forgive me, Lady Love?
Mom nods. Jamal raises his index finger to" #1." Angered, Paul walks over from stage left.
PAUL: (whining like a child) All of you need to go away! She’s not your mommy! She’s my mommy! She’s mine!
Gradually, Paul enters into a tantrum. Holding back tears, his throat becomes tight and he can only speak in erratic yelps. His hands and feet are moving wildly. After twenty seconds or so of this…
JAMAL: (standing up from chair) Oh, little baby Paul wants his mommy all to himself.
APRILLE: (approaching Paul) Poor, little baby Paul.
MICHAEL: (approaching Paul) Poor, little, poopy pants, baby Paul.
Jamal, Aprille, and Michael start pushing Paul
over to stage right. They surround him.
Aprille puts Paul in a headlock, giving him a
noogie.
APRILLE: Noogie Patrol!
Michael grabs Paul away from Aprille, takes Paul’s hand, and has him hitting himself with it.
MICHAEL: Quit hitting yourself, Paul! Quit hitting yourself!
Jamal grabs Paul away from Michael, pins him to
the floor, and begins thumping his chest.
JAMAL: Name five cereals, Paul! Name five cereals!
PAUL: (desperately) Uh, Froot Loops! Um, uh! Cinnamon Toast… Cheerios!
JAMAL: (teasing) Cinnamon Toast Cheerios?! That ain’t no cereal I’ve heard of!
MOM: (from table) You three leave my son alone!
Jamal, Aprille, and Michael look up at Mom.
They quickly stop harassing Paul and begin
exiting as fast as they can.
JAMAL: (as they’re exiting) You got lucky, momma’s boy!
For a moment, Paul rests on the floor, breathing
heavily from the abuse. He picks himself up and
brushes himself off. Slowly, he approaches
his mom and looks into her eyes.
PAUL: Mom, I have one more confession to make… I love you dearly.
Paul throws him arms around her and gives her
a big, ol’ hug.
BLACKOUT.
"Confessions of a Horse-Head Son" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"Confessions of a Horse-Head Son" debuted November 8, 2002, performed by Paul Rust, Jeanne Rust, Michael Tabor, Aprille Clarke, Jamal River.
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