AMERICA

I am America, land of the free.

LIBERTY

And we only had to kill and subjugate four or five million native Americans to do it.

TRUTH

It wasn’t completely free, I mean, we had to give some of the little buckskin-wearing buggers a bunch of shiny beads and whiskey, I think it set us back about three bucks or so, just for Manhattan alone. So it wasn’t THAT free.

JUSTICE

Land of the free, but not land of the free health insurance, that sore on your face, that’s going to cost you.

AMERICA

I am America, where all men are created equal.

LIBERTY

And women get to do the dishes.

TRUTH

America, where it took only two hundred years for a civil rights movement, a movement that met with much resistance, in fact there are people in office as we speak who still doubt that it was a good idea.

JUSTICE

In fact, some elected officials think that Strom Thurmond retired far too early.

AMERICA

I am America, where the separation of Church and State is the law and freedom of religion is sacred.

JUSTICE

As long as you pagan pig-fuckers remember that we are one Nation, UNDER GOD, that’s what it says in the Pledge of Allegiance and don’t you fucking forget it. UNDER GOD.

LIBERTY

And please keep in mind that Jesus was white, blond and blue-eyed.

TRUTH

Regardless of where he was born, he’s the son of God, he had to be white, right? We won’t accept anything else here in America.

AMERICA

I am America, where any child can grow up to be President someday.

TRUTH

As long as he’s either a Republican or Democrat, reads the bible every day, comes from family money and attended an Ivy league school where he was able to achieve at least a "C" average, then he can be President.

LIBERTY

And as long as HE is a HE and not a SHE, then your child can be president.

JUSTICE

Our corporate sponsors tell us that we’re not going to be ready for a female President for quite some time, HOWEVER, in forty or fifty years we could very well see a Jewish President (because they believe in God, too) or maybe, just maybe, even a black President.

LIBERTY

As long he only looks black, but is still able to think rich and white, i.e. Colin Powell.

AMERICA

I am America, where every vote counts.

TRUTH

They do COUNT the votes.

LIBERTY

They don’t mean anything, but they do COUNT them.

JUSTICE

Your vote does count, unless one of the candidates is the son of a previous president who also ran the CIA and therefore knows where a lot of bodies are buried, than that counts more than your vote counts.

AMERICA

I am America, where freedom of speech is guaranteed.

TRUTH

Except in New York City, where all protests must be pre-approved and participants can only protest in small, quiet cordoned-off streets that are in no way connected to each other and have no port-a-potties.

JUSTICE

I mean, come on, a parade of a half a million of our citizens protesting a possible war isn’t that big of a deal, it’s not like it’s the Puerto Rican Day Parade or something big. We make a lot of money in Puerto Rico.

TRUTH

And especially, don’t protest to the New York City policemen that are there to mace and arrest you for exercising your freedom of speech.

LIBERTY

You can protest in New York City, just don’t protest about New York City.

JUSTICE

And don’t criticize our leaders, regardless of how badly they may read the teleprompter.

TRUTH

And don’t burn the flag, let it touch the ground or turn your back on it.

LIBERTY

You can protest in America, just don’t protest about America.

AMERICA

I am America, and I support the spread of democracy around the world.

TRUTH

Except in Saudi Arabia, China, Lebanon, Jordan, Turkey, Taiwan, Tibet, most of Central and South America and parts of Africa.

LIBERTY

And Texas.

JUSTICE

We make too much money there to bother with democracy.

AMERICA

I am America, and I fight for those that cannot fight for themselves.

TRUTH

Except in Saudi Arabia, China, Lebanon, Jordan, Turkey, Taiwan, Tibet, most of Central and South America and parts of Africa.

LIBERTY

And Texas.

JUSTICE

We make to much money there to bother with human rights.

AMERICA

I am America, and every citizen of America has the inalienable right to freedom, life and pursuit of happiness.

TRUTH

Unless you’re poor and you need health-care.

LIBERTY

Unless you’re a woman and you want equal pay and opportunities.

JUSTICE

Unless you’re gay and you want to serve in the armed forces.

TRUTH

Unless you’re in New York City and you don’t move along when a New York City policeman tells you to move along.

LIBERTY

Unless you look "too different" from everyone else.

JUSTICE

Unless you’re over the age of sixty-five and need affordable prescription medication.

TRUTH

Unless you’re eighteen years old, able to get drafted but not able to get a drink in a bar.

JUSTICE

Unless you suddenly find yourself classified an "enemy combatant".

TRUTH

Unless you’re lacking in corporate sponsorship.

LIBERTY

Unless you’re in Texas.

AMERICA

I am America, and I am at War.

JUSTICE

We are fighting a war for our way of life.

LIBERTY

We are fighting a war for truth and justice.

TRUTH

We are fighting a war overseas to avoid having to fight a war here at home.

AMERICA

I am America and I am at War.

TRUTH

If we don’t fight this war, than sooner or later everyone is going to wonder why we haven’t caught the people responsible for destruction of the World Trade Center.

LIBERTY

If we don’t fight this war, than sooner or later everyone’s going to realize just how dumb and ineffective the guy sitting in the White House really is.

JUSTICE

If we don’t fight someone else, then sooner or later we’re going to fight each other. And our corporate sponsors can’t have that.

TRUTH

War is a good thing.

LIBERTY

War is a good thing.

JUSTICE

War is a good thing.

AMERICA

I am America and I am at War.