Hi everybody and welcome to, "PLUGGED IN." America’s favorite game show, where old people assemble ordinary household appliances. I’m Billy Bats and with me as always is the beautiful, though somewhat melancholy runner-up in last year’s "Miss In and Out Burger Pageant," the lovely Griselda! Ok, let’s meet today’s contestants. To my left we have Robert Parker, a 65 year-old, retired social studies teacher from Madison, Wisconsin. Hi Robert, how are you doing?

Just fine Billy, just fine.

Now Robert it says here that you collect pushpins! Sounds exciting, can you tell us a little bit about it?

That’s right, I have over 2, 000 pushpins in a variety of colors. Red, green, blue….

Ok…and to my right from San Mateo, California we have 85-year-old Edward Rosenthal. How we doin’ today Edward?

Where am I?

You’re a contestant on "PLUGGED IN!". And now might be a good time to mention how we find our contestants here on "PLUGGED IN." Our scouts invest hours of time and effort researching various patient files from nursing homes around the country. Why, we’ve even had former actor and star of the hit movie Cocoon, Mr. Wilford Brimly on the show. It produced a quite memorable episode. If I remember correctly, Mr. Brimly would have won had he not hesitated at the microwave to warm up a bowl of Quaker Instant Oatmeal. Ok, and Edward it says here that, uh, well, that you were a stripper in the D.C. area during the Nixon administration. Sounds fun, bet you have some great stories?

(EDWARD remains quiet, looks perplexed, falls asleep softly snoring. Billy motions for Griselda to wake him up)

Ok, this should be interesting. Our first round will deal with something easy, a toaster oven! Contestants when you hear the bell ring, you’ll come forward and properly plug this ordinary, household, toaster oven into this ordinary, everyday, electrical outlet. And the winner will receive a gift certificate to Best Buy; home to all the major appliances you’re children won’t let you operate! Questions? No? Everybody still breathing? (lets out a cheesy laugh)

Ok, contestants get ready, get set, Let’s get PLUUUUUUUGGGED IN!

(Billy continues with the play by play)

Robert is out of the gates like a flash, yeah boy and he continues to build his lead against his formidable opponent Edward. Come on Edward don’t be shy, it hasn’t been that long since you’re daughter removed the appliances from your home! That a boy don’t let Robert get the best of you. Come on Edward! It looks as if Robert might win this one, he’s got his toaster set up on the table, he’s unraveling the cord, he’s going to plug it in and (an electrical shock springs from the outlet, Robert falls to the floor screaming in pain.) You’ve got to watch out for those electric shocks! Oh wow, that had to hurt! Well it looks like Edward might pull this one off after all! We’ll be back in a moment after this word from our sponsors.

Performed January 17-19, 2003 by Tabitha Lee, Steve Drucker and Larry Stallings.
[This may not have been the first performance of this piece.]

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