copyright © 2002 H.B. McGrew

Mall of the Afterlife

Cast:

Martha, Satan’s mall guide wearing a cap stating such and clutching a clipboard

The audience as the "damned"

Setting:

Burger King

MARTHA

(Clutches the clipboard to her chest.) Welcome one and all to the Mall of the Afterlife. My name is Martha and I will be your guide during this initial orientation. Please refrain from asking any questions until the very end. I get a little testy when I’m interrupted. Remember, it takes a very special kind of evilness to end up the guide for the damned. (Evil tone) Probably not a good idea to make me mad. (Back to peppy.)

And yes folks, you did hear me correctly when I referred to you as the "damned." You are probably feeling a little bewildered and uncertain as to how you came to be damned. (Hands up placating) This is perfectly natural. At the end of orientation, you will be directed to a soul caseworker to learn more about your particular damning.

Some of you are probably thinking, "This is Hell? It seems more like Heaven to me." Well, you are right on both accounts. This is Heaven AND Hell.

On one of her many expeditions to Earth, God saw many marvels created by human beings. The mall was one of them. Feeling dissatisfied with the inefficiency of running both a Heaven and a Hell and being a big fan of shopping, God decided to create this: The Mall of the Afterlife.

The blessed enter the Mall through a beautiful ten-star restaurant. (Raises hand to stop imagined questions) Earth restaurants are limited to five. It’s Heaven. The food is bound to be several times better.

As you can see, the damned come in through Burger King. (Snicker/snorts) Home of the flame-broiled. (Laughs at herself for a moment. Wipes little tears from her eyes.) Ah. I love that part. (Sighs. Gets herself together.) You will be shopping for the rest of your stay here. Could be forever. Could be until you are reincarnated. Depends. Hell runs on a three-strike system when it comes to reincarnation. Third trip to Hell (umpire voice and actions) and you’re outta the game!

Ever have a bad day at the mall? Nothing fits. You don’t have enough money to buy anything. Clerks are rude. Checkout lines are long. Little kids are screaming and crying and running around loose. The bathrooms have long lines and most of the toilets are broken. Boy band music is piped into most the stores. The day never seems to end.

Hell is that bad day. And it never does end. You cannot even take solace in window-shopping for things you like because those stores are always closed for renovations.

Okay. Now before I hand you over to your respective caseworkers, are there any questions? (Raises hand) Actually, I’m union so I really don’t care and only ask as a formality. (Points to a member of the audience) What is your name sir?

AUDIENCE MEMBER 1

Uh. Joe Reynolds.

HEATHER

(Looks for his name on the clipboard) Joe. Hmmm. (Pokes finger at list. Triumph.) Joe Reynolds. Says here you chewed gum like a cow and dressed up as a clown (disapproving) for fun. Please go over and stand on the number one.

(Points to another audience member one) And you are?

AUDIENCE MEMBER 2

Mary Jordan.

HEATHER

Mary Jordan. (Searches clipboard.) Oohhh. This is bad. Says here you listened willingly to Pat Boone, Barry Manilow, and Captain and Tennille. There’s a special place in Hell for you dear. Go step on the number 2.

Okay. The rest of you are born again/evangelical Christians. You will need to step aside because you will not be going to the caseworkers. Since you spent your entire lives thinking you are superior to others because you somehow had the monopoly on the truth and felt it was your right to be judgmental, you will become mall guides.

"Mall of the Afterlife" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

ARCHIVIST'S NOTES:
We have done the piece a few times but only by request (it's a hit down here apparently).

"Mall of the Afterlife" was performed at a No Shame preview in March 2002, performed by Heather Lam.

It has been performed at No Shame a few times since.

Performed August 28, 2002 by Tabitha Lee.

Performed November 20, 2002 by Tabitha Lee.

Performed January 17-19, 2003 by Tabitha Lee.


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