copyright © 2002 H.B. McGrew

Breakfast

By: H. B. McGrew

September 4, 2002

Cast of Characters

JOANN

NATALIE

Setting: The breakfast table. NATALIE is sitting at the table. She is reading the paper as she eats. JOANN comes in with her bowl of cereal and sits down across from her.

JOANN

I’ve been thinking about our relationship.

 

NATALIE

(Distracted)

Really?

(Turns page)

Listen to this "Powell Gets Booed at Earth Summit." Isn’t that crazy?

 

JOANN

Yes. So, I’ve heard.

Natalie, I’m worried that we don’t talk enough. There was a time when all we did was talk. But now?

(Sighs.)

I feel like you’d rather be reading that silly newspaper than even look at me anymore. It’s as though you don’t care.

 

NATALIE

That’s not true, dear.

 

JOANN

In fact, I actually think that right now you are running through some list of canned responses you have for just such occasions. The ones you always use when I want to talk and you want to do anything but.

 

NATALIE

I’m listening. I hear everything you say.

 

JOANN

In a distant, sort of distracted way. My theory is that you hear only key phrases. Let’s be all scientifical about it. I am going to conduct an experiment to see if I am right. The answer will be "Not sure. Could be pretty late." When will you be home from work tonight?

 

NATALIE

(Distracted)

Not sure. Could be pretty late.

 

JOANN

The answer will be "Of course I do." Do you even want to spend time with me?

 

NATALIE

Of course I do.

 

JOANN

(Sighs)

The answer is "Thank you sweetie. I love you too." I’ve decided to become a man. After the anal probing I received when I was abducted by aliens, I realized that I really am a gay man trapped in the body of a lesbian. The sexual reassignment surgery is going to cost a lot of money though so I’ve decided I need a large influx of cash. So I am going to have some second rate quack harvest my less useful organs for an insane amount. According to Dr. Frankenfurter, the black market surgeon I contacted, lesbian organs are considered a hot commodity. Can you believe it? My organs are apparently all the vogue now in the designer transplant world. When I heard this, I thought how can pass up such an opportunity? I mean really what is a spleen used for, right? I don’t even really know where mine is. Although, sadly, I will no longer be able to use the excuse that I sprained my spleen to miss work. But small price to pay to be sexually liberated.

(Pauses. She looks for a response from NATALIE. Shakes her head and continues.)

You are the best thing that ever happened to me. I love you.

 

NATALIE

(Looks up from the paper and smiles.)

Thank you sweetie. I love you too.

(Natalie pats JOANN’s hand and then returns to reading. JOANN grumbles incoherently under her breath. Grabs a section of the paper and starts reading. After a moment, NATALIE puts down her part of the paper and stares at the paper JOANN is reading. She looks sad.)

 

 

NATALIE

(Tentative)

I’ve been thinking about our relationship.

 

JOANN

(Distracted)

Really?

(Turns page)

Can you believe this? They are no closer to finding that serial murderer in Louisiana. That’s insane!

 

NATALIE

Yes. So, I’ve heard.

I’m worried that we don’t talk enough. There was a time when all we did was talk. But now?

(Sighs.)

I always feel like you’d rather be reading that silly newspaper than even look at me anymore.

"Breakfast" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"Breakfast" debuted September 4, 2002, performed by Heather Lam [Joanne], Tabitha Lee [Natalie].

Performed January 17-19, 2003 by Heather Lam and Tabitha Lee.


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