mr. approachable buys a toothbrush

By Brian Anderson

MR. APPROACHABLE is standing in the middle of a line at a grocery store, holding only but a toothbrush. In front of him are three people waiting, a CASHIER ringing up the groceries, and a COURTESY CLERK bagging the purchased items. Behind him are two other people.

manager voice

(over a loudspeaker)

Dave, Service 40 on isle 9. Dave, Service 40 on isle 9. Thank you.

AWKWARD AARON, a man in front of MR. APPROACHABLE turns around to face him, dead on. He stares at him, for a long time. Very uncomfortable.

CAshier

Next.

The line bumps up. AWKWARD AARON moves up to the next spot in the line. MR. APPROACHABLE follows. AWKWARD AARON turns back around to stare at him once again.

AWKWARD AAROn

(to MR. APPROACHABLE)

You buying a toothbrush?

MR. APPROACHABLE

(half awake)

Yup.

aWKWARD AARON

Cool.

AWKWARD AARON stares at him for another uncomfortable moment.

aWKWARD AARON (CONT’D)

What are you gonna use it for?

mr. APPROACHABLE

(taking that in)

Uhm... my teeth?

aWKWARD AARON

Cool.

AWKWARD AARON stares at him for another uncomfortable moment.

MR. APPROACHABLE, uncomfortable, escapes the stare, by turning his back the other way facing the person behind him, HAPPY HARRY.

Happy harry

(over excited)

Hiya! How are ya?!

mr. APPROACHABLE

Hi... I’m.. I’m good thanks..

hAPPY HARRY

You don’t look so good. You look like the cat just knocked you over!

mr. APPROACHABLE

(taking whatever that meant in)

Huh?

hAPPY HARRY

You look tired.. weathered..

mr. APPROACHABLE

Ah, well.. I just woke up, and I need a toothbrush, so..

happY HARRY

Yea, I can tell!

mr. APPROACHABLE

Okay.

Uncomfortable, once again, MR. APPROACHABLE turns back around to meet AWKWARD AARON, who’s still staring at him.

aWKWARD AARON

Hey Again.

MR. APPROACHABLE, without hesitation turns back to HAPPY HARRY.

mr. APPROACHABLE

You know what? You can go ahead of me.

aWKWARD AARON

Howdy.

hAPPY HARRY

Hiya!

(informative)

I’m buying condoms.

aWKWARD AARON

Great! I’m buying some Captain Crunch and some Peanut Butter. I like to mix the two together. I don’t like the pre-made peanut butter Captain Crunch that they sell. It just doesn’t taste like the real thing, ya know? So I go ahead and buy them separately.

haPPY HARRY

Smart. Peanut Butter always gives me the runs.

aWKWARD AARON

Make sure you buy some Kaopectate. That stuff will clear ya right up.

hAPPY HARRY

Yea?

aWKWARD AARON

Yea. Works every time!

hAPPY HARRY

Will you save my spot?

aWKWARD AARON

Definitely.

hAPPY HARRY

(to MR. APPROACHABLE)

Will you save my spot too?

mr. APPROACHABLE

Uh, yea.. sure..

hAPPY HARRY

(exiting off stage)

Thanks I’ll be right back!

HAPPY HARRY exits, leaving MR. APPROACHABLE and AWKWARD AARON together once again.

aWKWARD AARON

Hey! Long time no see!

mr. APPROACHABLE

Yea.

Once again AWKWARD AARON gives an awkward, uncomfortable stare.

AWKWARD AARON

So what are you really gonna do with that toothbrush?

cASHIER

Next.

awKWARD AARON

Oops. Hate to break up the conversation.

AWKWARD AARON advances to the CASHIER with his items.

cASHIER

(very dry)

Hi, do you have a Von’s Club Card.

AWKWARD AARON

(handing card)

Why yes I do, beautiful.

CASHIER rings up AWKWARD AARON’s items. She hands the card back to him.

aWKWARD AARON (CONT’D)

You sure do have some sexy knuckles...

cASHIER

(dry)

Thank you, that’ll be 9 dollars and 53 cents.

aWKWARD AARON

(handing her a 10 dollar bill)

Keep the change sweetheart!

(he stares at her intensely)

cASHIER

Next!

AWKWARD AARON slides past the CASHIER about to leave, but turns around and stares back at MR. APPROACHABLE, who looks around politely waiting for HAPPY HARRY.

cASHIER (CONT’D)

NEXT!

MR. APPROACHABLE can’t find him so he moves up, handing the toothbrush to the CASHIER.

caSHIER (CONT’D)

(dry)

Hi, do you have a Von’s Club Card.

mr. APPROACHABLE

Uh, yea. Hold on.

(digs for it)

Here.

CASHIER scans the toothbrush, then the card.

cASHIER

That’ll be 3 dollars and 75 cents.

(very dry)

Congratulations. You’re our Von’s Club Card winner, would you like white or wheat?

mr. APPROACHABLE

I’m sorry.. wha?

cASHIER

(dry, verbatim)

Congratulations. You’re our Von’s Club Card winner, would you like white or wheat?

mr. APPROACHABLE

Uhm, wheat?

Seconds later, the COURTESY CLERK rushes back and hands MR. APPROACHABLE  a loaf of wheat bread. Other employees come out, applauding dryly. One employee, takes a poloroid. Balloons, hats, confetti, or something. MR. APPROACHABLE is very confused, half awake. After the dull hoopla, the employees that celebrated, all leave.

HAPPY HARRY enters, holding the Kaopectate and condoms.

mr. APPROACHABLE (CONT’D)

Thanks?

(He begins to leave)

HAPPY HARRY notices that MR. APPROACHABLE just won.

hAPPY HARRY

Did you just win?

mr. APPROACHABLE

Uhm..

aWKWARD AARON

Yes, he did.

hAPPY HARRY

That was my spot! You said you’d save it for me!  I should have won that.

mr. APPROACHABLE

Look. I did. I waited.

aWKWARD AARON

No you didn’t. You practically threw your toothbrush at the order taker.

mr. APPROACHABLE

No, I didn’t, I looked for you, but I didn’t see you.

aWKWARD AARON

You stole his spot!

hAPPY HARRY

And you stole my award!

cASHIER

Next.

mr. APPROACHABLE

No, I didn’t. I looked for you, and the next thing I know, the Bagger here is bringing me out wheat bread.

caSHIER

Next.

COURTESY CLERK

Uhm, WE prefer to be called ‘Courtesy Clerks’, thank you.

mr. APPROACHABLE

(flips)

You know what?

(to HAPPY HARRY)

Fine! Just Fine! Congradja-FUCK-U-lations! YOU WIN! Lets just, bring out the balloons again, THROW the fuckin confetti! Have a party! Yay! Yay! We’re having a fucking party! You won! Just TAKE the fuckin’ bread!! I get to finally brush my FUCKING teeth! Good bye! Thanks for shopping at Vons! Have a great FUCKING day!

MR. APPROACHABLE storms out furious.  Everyone is in shock.

cASHIER

Next.

Everyone remaining goes on about their business, forgetting the explosion before. Next in line approaches CASHIER.

cASHIER (CONT’D)

Hi, do you have a Von’s Club Card.

Blackout.