Minimum Bid
By
Brian Anderson
LIGHTS UP:
Empty
stage.
TEXAS. JAIMIE (male) enters, searching.
Jaimie
Come
on, now! Come on!
Roy
(offstage)I’m hurryin’! Shit. I
ain’t runnin’ thru cornfields again, man! Jaimie, it’s just not worth it.(ROY
enters.) You think we’re actually gonna find something out here?
jAIMIE
Roy.
I can smell the dollar signs already man! Fuck-in-A!
rOY
How
the hell you figure we’re gonna make money off fuckin' space debris?
jaIMIE
It’s
fuckin' HISTORY, man! Don’t you watch fuckin' Antique Roadshow, or all these
other fuckin' history shows? Millionaires pay good money for-- (immediately
sees something off stage and exits) What the hell is that??
rOY
Don’t
fuckin' pick it up, man! If it’s fuckin' space debris, they tell you not to
pick it up!
jAIMIE
(offstage)Why?
roY
I
don’t know, its got fuckin' space acid on it, or some shit like that.
jAIMIE
(offstage)Is the Space Shuttle made by John Deere?
rOY
How
the fuck do I know?
Jaimie
(offstage)Probably not space debris, I reckon.
rOY
Look
man, we’re NOT gonna find shit out here, alright. The god damn thing crashed a
hundred miles away. (Pause) Jaimie! That is a fuckin' tractor tire. Put
it down, alright?
jAIMIE
(offstage)You never know!
rOY
Seriously.
If you ever find any kind of space debris out here, how you gonna even sell it?
JAIMIE (offstage,
simultaneously)Get off my back! There are millionaires out there that
will pay the highest bidder for a piece of space debris history! |
rOY The
fuckin' government will fuckin' shut you down as soon as you try and sell
--Jaimie! That’s a fuckin' garden hose, leave it be, k? |
jAIMIE
(entering onstage)Ebay.
roY
Ebay?
jAIMIE
Ebay.
You can sell anything you want on Ebay. Marcie’s fixin' to sell her eggs on
Ebay. Five grand minimum bid. Now come on. Can you figure now, how much minimum
bid would be, for space debris?(exits offstage)
ROY
Jesus,
Jaimie. Get it through your skull.
Think about it. (JAIMIE exits again) Where you goin', man? I’m talking to you boy. Jesus, Jaimie! Lets just go home. Give it up.
You ain’t gonna find --
jAIMIE
(offstage) Shit.
roY
What? You find something over there Jaimie?
Silence.
jAIMIE
Roy?
roY
Holy
shit! You really did find something!? Holy fuckin' shit, Jaimie! We’re gonna be fuckin' rich, man!
jAIMIE
Roy! Don’t come nearer!
roY
Sorry
man. Sorry that I even ever doubted you!! Fuck, Shit! I just can’t believe it!
Jaimie, we’re gonna be fuckin' rich, man. Like you said!!!
jAIMIE
(hard to say)Roy?..... Why don’t you go on back to the
ranch and dial 911...
ROY
Jaimie.
jAIMIE
(offstage)Roy! Do as I say.(Hard
to say.)Dial. 9. 1. 1... Go tell them we found.. something they’re lookin'
for.
ROY
(exiting
offstage to look) Well, what the hell did you find over there?
JAIMIE (simultaneously,
offstage)Roy.
God damn it!. Do as I say, and don’t come any nearer! Don’t worry about
nothing, Roy! Just get out! Roy Listen to me! You don’t need to see--- |
rOY (simultaneously,
offstage) Well,
I wanna be able to see what kinda minimum bid-Why you actin’ all strange all
a’ sudden? Just let me see--- |
Silence. A discovery. ROY enters back onstage,
almost paralyzed in shock of what he just saw offstage.
jAIMIE
(offstage)
We’re
not gonna be rich Roy... Go on, now...
ROY
still paralyzed from the sight he just saw offstage.
jaIMIE (CONT’D)
Go
on!
ROY
snaps out of his shock, and runs off stage.
Pause.
BLACKOUT
"Minimum Bid" debuted February 7, 2003 at LA No Shame with the following cast:
JAIMIE: Scott McGee
ROY: Brian Anderson
Performed at No Shame / Charlottesville on March 28, 2003, with the following cast:Todd Ristau and Alexander Cox