copyright © 2002 Matt Baetz

What to Do When the President’s Already Been Shot?

By: Matt Baetz

Cast of Characters:

DOCTOR ROBINOWITZ

MR. JERRY ANDERS HANSEN

 

The interior of a psychiatrist’s office. The basic layout: a couch in the center with a comfortable chair at the one end. A doctor, Dr. Robinowitz, sits with a pad of paper laid in his/her lap. A patient, Mr. Jerry Anders Hansen lays across the couch. It is important to mention that President Sagescrub was shot earlier that month.

doctor

So, why don’t you begin by telling me a little bit about yourself?

jerry

Well, Doc it’s like this…wait…before I begin, how open am I allowed to be in these sessions?

doctor

Oh, well, as open as you feel you’re ready to be. We can take it slow to start. Why don’t you tell me about your childhood?

jerry

No, no that’s not what I mean. What I mean is, how open can I be legally speaking? I mean, if I start going off to you about my life and the things I’ve done, I don’t want you rushing out and start telling the world and/or the police.

doctor

Jerry, listen anything you tell me will remain between us. You’ve seen movies — I can’t go to the police wand in all honestly, I’m here to help you. Now come on, I’m sure whatever it is, we can find a solution.

jerry

Yeah…yeah…alright, well for about the last five years, I’ve done a pretty decent job of removing myself from society. You know, avoiding people and connections to anything substantial.

doctor

Yes and why did you feel the need to do this?

jerry

Well, I had some things to take care of, you know, and it just wouldn’t have been good for those people had they been associated with me.

doctor

Uh huh, and who would these people be? Family? Friends?

jerry

Yeah, you know, mom and dad, baby sister, girlfriend, co-workers…

doctor

And your parents, are they still together?

jerry

Yeah, I go to see them occasionally, but they think I’m dead.

doctor

And what would give them that idea?

jerry

Well, I pretty much told them.

doctor

Uh-huh. And they believed you?

jerry

Well yeah, I mean, I am their son. Why wouldn’t they?

doctor

Jerry…see if you can follow where I am going with this. If you’re dead, then how could you tell them? You see where I’m going with this?

jerry

Oh right. I’m sorry. Well, I wrote them a letter.

doctor

A letter?

jerry

Yeah, it basically told them how I felt like there were some things I needed to do and I couldn’t do them if they knew I were alive, so for all parties concerned it would be best if they assumed I was dead.

doctor

And they agreed?

jerry

Well, they wrote back and said, no, no we can work this out please don’t do it! And then I wrote them back saying you don’t understand, it has to be this way, don’t come any closer. And then they wrote me back saying hey listen whatever you want just don’t hurt yourself. And I wrote them back with my watch inside the envelope as a gift to my sister, you know and said please give this to her.

doctor

When was the last time you spoke with them?

Jerry

Well, let’s see. I spoke with my mother this morning and my dad is away on business but I spoke with him last week.

doctor

Jerry, do you think you might be able to tell me why you wanted to remove yourself?

jerry

Yeah, well, like I said I had some stuff to take care of.

doctor

And do you think you can tell me what type of things you had to do by yourself?

Jerry

I really don’t think I should.

doctor

Jerry, please, I really think we can solve these issues you’re having but I need a little something to go on. Now like I said, whatever you have to tell me, I’m ready to listen.

jerry

All right. I’ll try. You see, Doc, the reason I didn’t want to be connected to my parents or anybody for the past five years is because, well…I was plotting to kill President Sagescrub.

(The doctor stares at Jerry shocked at the news he/she has just heard.)

jerry (con’t)

God! I knew it! I knew I shouldn’t tell you! I mean, here you’re sitting there probably thinking I did it.

doctor

Well yeah! Jerry the former president was shot not even a month ago and here you are telling me that for the past five years you’ve been plotting to kill him. It’s pretty straight forward don’t you think?!

jerry

Doc, I didn’t kill the president and that’s why I need help, because for years I’ve been organizing this and then a month ago I’m driving to shoot the sonofabitch and some asshole named Brumbaker beats me to the punch. My family wants to know where I’ve been, my ex-girlfriend won’t even talk to me! I mean just try going into a job interview with the last five years missing from your resume. People ask, "Oh Mr. Hansen, there is a five year span here when you don’t list any employment, what exactly were you doing with yourself?" "Oh, well I was reading a lot, watching TV, and oh yeah, I was fine tuning my long range shooting skills so I could take the President out!"

(A bell goes off and the session comes to an end.)

doctor

Well…that’s our next session.

 

END

"What to Do When the President’s Already Been Shot?" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

"What to Do When the President’s Already Been Shot?" debuted September 18, 2002, performed by Heather Lam & Tabitha Lee.

Performed November 20, 2002 by David Perez & Keith Ernst.

Performed January 17-19, 2003 by Larry Stallings and Steve Drucker.


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