What to Do When the Presidents Already Been Shot?
By: Matt Baetz
Cast of Characters:
DOCTOR ROBINOWITZ
MR. JERRY ANDERS HANSEN
The interior of a psychiatrists office. The basic layout: a couch in the center with a comfortable chair at the one end. A doctor, Dr. Robinowitz, sits with a pad of paper laid in his/her lap. A patient, Mr. Jerry Anders Hansen lays across the couch. It is important to mention that President Sagescrub was shot earlier that month.
doctor
So, why dont you begin by telling me a little bit about yourself?
jerry
Well, Doc its like this wait before I begin, how open am I allowed to be in these sessions?
doctor
Oh, well, as open as you feel youre ready to be. We can take it slow to start. Why dont you tell me about your childhood?
jerry
No, no thats not what I mean. What I mean is, how open can I be legally speaking? I mean, if I start going off to you about my life and the things Ive done, I dont want you rushing out and start telling the world and/or the police.
doctor
Jerry, listen anything you tell me will remain between us. Youve seen movies I cant go to the police wand in all honestly, Im here to help you. Now come on, Im sure whatever it is, we can find a solution.
jerry
Yeah yeah alright, well for about the last five years, Ive done a pretty decent job of removing myself from society. You know, avoiding people and connections to anything substantial.
doctor
Yes and why did you feel the need to do this?
jerry
Well, I had some things to take care of, you know, and it just wouldnt have been good for those people had they been associated with me.
doctor
Uh huh, and who would these people be? Family? Friends?
jerry
Yeah, you know, mom and dad, baby sister, girlfriend, co-workers
doctor
And your parents, are they still together?
jerry
Yeah, I go to see them occasionally, but they think Im dead.
doctor
And what would give them that idea?
jerry
Well, I pretty much told them.
doctor
Uh-huh. And they believed you?
jerry
Well yeah, I mean, I am their son. Why wouldnt they?
doctor
Jerry see if you can follow where I am going with this. If youre dead, then how could you tell them? You see where Im going with this?
jerry
Oh right. Im sorry. Well, I wrote them a letter.
doctor
A letter?
jerry
Yeah, it basically told them how I felt like there were some things I needed to do and I couldnt do them if they knew I were alive, so for all parties concerned it would be best if they assumed I was dead.
doctor
And they agreed?
jerry
Well, they wrote back and said, no, no we can work this out please dont do it! And then I wrote them back saying you dont understand, it has to be this way, dont come any closer. And then they wrote me back saying hey listen whatever you want just dont hurt yourself. And I wrote them back with my watch inside the envelope as a gift to my sister, you know and said please give this to her.
doctor
When was the last time you spoke with them?
Jerry
Well, lets see. I spoke with my mother this morning and my dad is away on business but I spoke with him last week.
doctor
Jerry, do you think you might be able to tell me why you wanted to remove yourself?
jerry
Yeah, well, like I said I had some stuff to take care of.
doctor
And do you think you can tell me what type of things you had to do by yourself?
Jerry
I really dont think I should.
doctor
Jerry, please, I really think we can solve these issues youre having but I need a little something to go on. Now like I said, whatever you have to tell me, Im ready to listen.
jerry
All right. Ill try. You see, Doc, the reason I didnt want to be connected to my parents or anybody for the past five years is because, well I was plotting to kill President Sagescrub.
(The doctor stares at Jerry shocked at the news he/she has just heard.)
jerry (cont)
God! I knew it! I knew I shouldnt tell you! I mean, here youre sitting there probably thinking I did it.
doctor
Well yeah! Jerry the former president was shot not even a month ago and here you are telling me that for the past five years youve been plotting to kill him. Its pretty straight forward dont you think?!
jerry
Doc, I didnt kill the president and thats why I need help, because for years Ive been organizing this and then a month ago Im driving to shoot the sonofabitch and some asshole named Brumbaker beats me to the punch. My family wants to know where Ive been, my ex-girlfriend wont even talk to me! I mean just try going into a job interview with the last five years missing from your resume. People ask, "Oh Mr. Hansen, there is a five year span here when you dont list any employment, what exactly were you doing with yourself?" "Oh, well I was reading a lot, watching TV, and oh yeah, I was fine tuning my long range shooting skills so I could take the President out!"
(A bell goes off and the session comes to an end.)
doctor
Well thats our next session.
END
"What to Do When the Presidents Already Been Shot?" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
"What to Do When the Presidents Already Been Shot?" debuted September 18, 2002, performed by Heather Lam & Tabitha Lee.
Performed November 20, 2002 by David Perez & Keith Ernst.
Performed January 17-19, 2003 by Larry Stallings and Steve Drucker.