copyright © 1998
[Lights down. Lights up.]
It is 6:15, P, M. It is 6:15 P, M and I have just ordered coffee in Mel's Diner. Mel's Diner is my
place. Technically, Mel's Diner is not so much my place as it is Mel's Place, but Mel let's me come
here because I pay him money in exchange for food. Mel is a reasonable man that way. Mel hires
only waitresses named Flo, because that's the way things are in Mel's Diner. Things weren't like
that back when this was Denny's, but when Mel bought Denny's and made it Mel's Diner he fired
all the waitresses who weren't named Flo. That's how he made it Mel's place. That's also how he
got Mel's Federal Employment Act citation. Even so, it is still 6:15 P, M, and I have still ordered
coffee in Mel's Diner.
When I sit in Mel's Diner I have my arms up on the back of the booth. I sit that way because my
father is Presbyterian. He drives a minivan. His name is Steve. My foot hurts. [Put arms up, booth
style.] Post hoc, ergo propter hoc. When I sit in Mel's Diner with my arms up, I think things. Big
things. Important things. Plans, for the future. When I have a monkey, he will sit with me in the
diner. I will name him Crackers. I will not name him Steve, because then he and my father might
get confused. When Crackers sits with me, I will let him put his arms up for his own, personal,
reasons. I will let him drink coffee, but only if he can handle it. We will be cool. Chicks dig
monkeys.
It is 6:17 P. M. The waitress has come with my coffee. I look at her nametag. Her name is Flo. I
am not surprised. Flo says to me, "Would you like anything else?" I look at her for a long, long
time. I say, "No." I am lying.
I say to her, very slowly, "Maybe some ... eggs?" [Repetitively alter statement to "Baby scum
legs?"] Flo and I have a moment. I say, "Perhaps a movie?" [Repetitively alter statement
to "Bear chaps say groovy?"] The moment is gone.
Flo goes back to the kitchen. She has left my life. She has left my coffee. It is too hot to
drink.
[Bassline slowly finishes. When it stops, Lights down.]
Performed again at the Best of No Shame on December 11, 1998.
"ANGRY MOUTH IN MEL'S DINER" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE
DOWNLOADED,
TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION
OF THE AUTHOR
"Angry Mouth in Mel's Diner" debuted October 2, 1998,
performed by Dan Brooks with Peter Franke doing backup on bass.