Dan Brooks and Kyle Lange

[Lights down. Lights up.]

[Kyle, Mike and Dan stand onstage in a row. They smack imaginary gum noisily. They are teenage girls, in a grotesque kind of way.]

KYLE

So I was in the library because, books, you know? And I was putting my bangs up with my pink Clinique comb, which was weird because everything they make at Clinique is like that one shade of green, you know, like sort of the color of really old canned peas before you heat them up? Brittany calls it "Cuntry Club Green", like with the emphasis on the "Cunt," you know, but that’s just because she’s an overweight little lice farm who can’t afford Clinique stuff because the government doesn’t pay you yet for being a skank. Anyway, I was doing my bangs with this little pink comb and I was walking out of the library and trying to put hairspray on at the same time and I guess I aimed the pump wrong because a big cloud of Aqua Net went right into my eye.