copyright © 2002 James Brown

Aw Shit! My Libido Done Got the Best of Me!
By: James Brown

(Lights up. Pat is the only one on stage as he addresses the audience.)

Pat: Good evening, and welcome to Scientific Studies of the Strange and Simply Surreal. I'm your host, Pat Summersault. Ladies and gentlemen, well, mostly gentlemen since this concerns you, tonight we'll talk about a topic that is greatly affecting our world today. Some of you may be unaware about it, while some of you may know about it, but may try not to let it bother you. The truth is, it's happening, and it's a very serious issue. Our topic for tonight is, male pregnancy. Male pregnancy is spreading at such an immense rate, that by the end of next year, one out of every ten adult males will have been impregnated. The following is a dramatized reenactment of an actual occurrence involving male pregnancy, to show you how it can affect someone's lifestyle. For confidentiality sake, we won't disclose the real names of the two subjects in our presentation, and we shall refer to them simply as...uh, Burns & Allen. (Pat walks away stage left, away from action, but still within view of the audience.)

(From stage right, Gracie, followed by George, enter and make their way towards a chair in center stage.)

Gracie: Okay, we're home. Now what is it that you wanted to tell me?

George: (speaking cautiously) Shh. Not so loud. I don't want anyone else knowing about this. (looks toward the right wing.)

Gracie: (slightly frustrated) Look George, you're acting way too paranoid for whatever it is you need to tell me!

George: (walks toward the front of the chair) Gracie, I'm not acting paranoid. This is very serious and I'm afraid about what it's going to do to me.

Gracie: (pause) Fine. I believe you. So what is it you want to tell me?

George: Well, before I tell you this, I wanna make sure you won't think of me differently afterwards.

Gracie: (frustrated sigh) Yes, of course I won't. How big could this be?

George: (gives a reluctant glance before he sits in the chair) Gracie, (pause) I'm pregnant.

Gracie: What?

George: I'm pregnant. (pause) Ugh, this is the worst thing that could happen to me.

Gracie: So, I take it you had sex, but you didn't use any protection?

George: (disgusted) No. God, you fuck some girl from the occult and it changes your life forever.

Pat: Pause! (returns to center as George and Gracie freeze in position.) Now, for those of you who missed the point Burns made, research has shown that all reported incidents of male pregnancy have occurred after the male had sexual intercourse with a female member of the occult. From past instances, it was discovered that the female partner would silently chant an incantation. The power of the incantation is able to force the ovum, as well as the male sperm, through the man's penis at the exact moment of ejaculation, thus beginning the birth process inside the male. Experts say that the true motive behind this practice, whether it's a cult tradition, or just some sick joke played on the male gender, is still unknown. (Pat returns to stage left as George and Gracie resume action.)

George: Why did this have to happen to me?

Gracie: Well, don't you think there's something you can do about it?

George: I don't think there's anything I CAN do. I can just try to live my life normally, but, have you heard about the guys who are in my situation? Everywhere I go, people are going to take any chance they can to make fun of me. At any moment I'm outside, someone could look at me and say, "hey, there's the dumb ass who got knocked up." I must've been at the wrong place at the wrong time, things like this don't happen to a guy like me. A-a couple of years ago this didn't happen to anyone! Now look at me! I'm a total freak of society! My life is about to become totally miserable, and there's nothing I can do about it! (sigh) There's nothing I can do about it.

Gracie: Yeah, that sounds pretty bad, hmm. Well, tough break, I've got to get going.

George: Huh?

Gracie: What, I've got stuff I need to do today.

George: Buh-but Gracie, you act as if you don't even care.

Gracie: Well maybe it's because I don't, and even if I did care, I don't think I would do anything about it.

George: You don't think you wou...Gracie? We've been friends for, how many years now, and this is how you treat our friendship?

Gracie: Hey, I just think this is something you should deal with yourself. And besides, you said it yourself, you're a freak of society, you're an outcast. You're just gonna have to get used to being treated this way, because a lot of people aren't going to want to have anything to do with you, and I really feel the same way. (begins to exit right, then turns back) This is your problem. You made the bed, now sleep in it. (exit right)

George: (hangs his head low.)

Pat: (returns to center, diagonally away from George.) Quite depressing. Unfortunately, things did not turn out better for Burns. Even though Allen continued to share the same apartment room with Burns, the two had distanced themselves a vast amount after their discussion. Also, halfway through the second trimester, as signs of pregnancy were visually present to other people, Burns received a lot of derogatory remarks from people around him. From, "hey, lard-master", to even more hateful ones such as, "when's it due," and "bottle or breast feed". The pressure had gotten to Burns so much, that in an act of foolish desperation, he cut open his stomach in order to get rid of the unborn fetus. Sadly, Burns died after a severe amount of blood loss.

George: (looks at audience in horror.)

Pat: (walks to the left of George) Well ladies and gentlemen, I hope you've all learned something by listening tonight. Let me just finish by saying, please. Whatever way you go about it, don't fuck up.

(Black out.)

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