10/8/98

[LIGHTS UP.]

[ADAM and CHRIS sit on the table. They act like they are speaking to each other, but their discourse is directed at the audience. They are in mid-conversation.]

CHRIS: Well the way I heard it, Czech Porn Star started the whole thing.

ADAM: Who?

CHRIS: You know, the boy with the hips. [CHRIS gets up and does the swivel dance move]

ADAM [who "sees" this in the direction of the audience]: Right, Gyro Boy!

CHRIS [sitting back down]: Yeah, I overheard someone say he started it, but that’s not even the best part.

ADAM: Really?

CHRIS: Yeah, then Prissy Chris walks in...

ADAM [looks confused]: Wait a minute. I thought YOU were Prissy Chris.

CHRIS: No, I'm Sex-God Chris.

ADAM: No, I don’t think so… You may be good, but… remember the Body God? Chiseled chest? Chiseled face? Chiseled…?

CHRIS: You mean the one with the—

ADAM: Yeah.

CHRIS: You’re right…

BOTH: Sex-God Chris.

[pause]

CHRIS: So all this time I've been telling people that story about prissy Chris, I've really been talking about me? Like I've been perceived as referring to myself in some bizarre, affected third-person?

ADAM: And those people having the gall to gossip about "Prissy Chris" while you were standing right there!

CHRIS: Gasp! [claps hand over mouth]

[pause, pondering.]

ADAM: I wonder if people have a name for me, too…

CHRIS: I haven’t heard one yet.

ADAM: Well let’s make up our own names! We can definitely do better than "Prissy Chris"…

CHRIS: No doubt. [prissily, but unaffected.] I am not prissy!

ADAM: So… are you a full-fledged psychiatrist yet? Licensed?

CHRIS: Yep.

ADAM: Okay…. How about "Dr. Chris"? Simple, yet elegant; approachable, but invoking respect. What do you think?

CHRIS: I like it! That’s really smart. [pause.] YOU’RE really smart… Brainiac!

ADAM: Excellent!

[Self-satisfied pause. Feeling pleased with themselves.]

ADAM [suddenly reaching out toward the audience as if to shake Chris’ hand]: Dr. Chris!

CHRIS [also reaching toward the audience, miming taking Adam’s hand]: Brainiac! So good to see you!

[Longer self-satisfied pause. Still pleased with themselves.]

PASSERBY [voice from offstage]: Hey guys, check it out! You can see right down into the basement apartment!

PASSERBY #2: No WAY! It’s Psycho Chris and Donkey Boy!! Let’s get outta here!

[ADAM and CHRIS stare off in the direction from which the voices came. Slowly they turn to stare open-mouthed at the audience.]

CHRIS (turning to face ADAM): Donkey Boy?

BLACKOUT.