LIGHTS UP

Dear diary,
I decided today to start writing a diary. Unfortunately, I realized this just before I discovered that I had an uninteresting life. I'll let you know if anything cool happens tomorrow.

Dear diary,
Still nothing. I can't believe this. Doogie Howser always made it look so easy. I suppose that he had a degree in diary-writing before I stopped wearing diapers. Of course, I guess that's not saying much. Before I stopped wearing diapers even I had graduated from high school. Why am I telling you this diary?....shit.

Dear diary,
Today I tried all day to think of something really cool to say to you. I was even gonna make something up. The only thing that I came up with is that I tried on some of my mothers underwear. But I can't even say that... (pause) Allright so that's true, but I didn't enjoy it! (pause) Okay so I enjoyed it, but at least after I had her underwear on I didn't spread vapo-rub all over my bare chest and run out into the lawn, flaunting my hideous pale and flabby body for the neighborhood kids and homeless community... (pause) Dammit.

All right listen up diary,
And who came up with the concept of calling your diary a diary? Dear diary, dear diary. It's so revolting. Okay, so maybe that's just the only bad thing I could come up with to say about you right now. Yeah, okay so maybe that is pathetic, I could've come up with better stuff than that if I was Kyle Lang. Kyle: HEY!!......(Mike) I had to write it here to replace anything meaningful that I might have said yet knew that I wouldn't, that is, assuming that I had meaningful things to say, and that those things would have had some kind of meaning, and, fuck you diary.

Hear me now diary,
This is the last entry I will grant you. It's like I'm some kid of genie, and I'm granting you wishes. Except for the part where I'm a genie and the part where I grant you wishes. Right, so like I said, it's nothing like granting you wishes like a genie. But if I come up with a good example of something that would've sounded cool to say just now instead of that genie remark, I'll come back and re-narrate this page later.

Dear satan,
Once again I have strayed from you my lord and master.

Satan: You wrote to other diaries before me again didn't you son?
Mike: I'm not done with the letter yet, dickhead! Some demonic creatures with vile sadistic powers of manipulation just have no respect. Like I was saying, dear satan, I'm sorry that I strayed from you again, you know the drill, oh omnipresent demon-ness.
Satan: did you just call me a demoness?
Mike: Will you please shut the hell up! I swear, the next time you interrupt me I'm going back to Jesus!
Satan: horse shit, that's what they all say. (mike shuns satan and walks off stage).....hello?.....Mike?......I've got your soooooul!! .....(satan looks out to audience) ......dammit.

LIGHTS DOWN

"Who Needs A Title With A Body Like This?" debuted March 5, 1999.

Performed again at Best of No Shame on Friday, April 30, 1999 by Mike Cassady, Aaron Galbraith, James Erwin.

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