LIGHTS UP (duh...)

Public Service #2: Warning, the portion of the following sketch involving the no shame board is a parody, not an actual plea for selection for the best of no shame. It's a joke people. Work with me. This has been a public service announcement. (disappears behind curtain)
Mike: How many Friday afternoons have you spent staring at that blank computer screen? Praying that somehow an original idea might pop into your head before 10:30? Not necessarily funny, not necessary meaningful. Just something. And how many Friday nights have you taken that long walk of shame to Theatre B at 10:15 p.m. How many times have you attended No Shame theatre empty handed? Well, if this happens to you a lot, I can't relate at all. You're completely alone, it's never happened to me in my life. In fact, everything that I do is better than what you do. Except you Chris (pointing to Oquishie). You're sketches always have some deeper meaning. You put more thought into your sketches, and you're delivery makes it even more...
Chris: Mike, you're not going to get on the Best of No shame just by sucking up to the board members.
Mike: But, I....You're delivery...
Chris: Fuck my delivery, it's not going to happen.
Mike: What if I bake you some brownies?
Chris: NO! Mike, stop humiliating yourself.
Mike: Fucker. (suddenly nice again) And you too Dan. Almost regardless of content, you're monologues are always so...
Dan: Rot in hell Mike.
Mike: Sarah? Sweet, sweetest of sweet Sarah's?
Sarah: Mike, leave me out of this.
Mike: Did I mention that you were sweet?
Sarah: Stop it!
Mike: Kyle?
Kyle: I'd love to help, but, I mean, even I have standards.
James: I don't!
Kyle: James, we fight this together!
James: I like brownies!
Chris, Kyle, Sarah and Dan: JAMES!!
James: (pause) Forget it.
Mike: Well, as the board rots in hell, I'll return to my regularly scheduled monologue. Back to that empty screen. Intimidating, isn't it? Wouldn't it be reassuring to know that anything you wrote could become anything the evening calls for? Knowing that after you've finished your piece it could be translated into any No-Shame style you might desire?
Well, then thank god you've come to me. Or I've come to you. Or I've made a confusing paragraph out of one that didn't need to be. Pardon me. I've got a solution to these problems and more. I have created the No-Shame Translatora
Public Service #1: (pops out from behind curtain) Void where prohibited, illegal in 67 states and thirteen colonies, may contain abusive and offensive material. And causes cancer. And smells like fish. May be harmful to pregnant women, and children under the age of 10. Also, women who aren't pregnant and children over the age of 10. Do not use this product. It is useless in every way. This has been a public service announcement.
Public Service #2: (pops out from behind curtain, bumping #1 over) Please disregard the previous public service announcement. This man is not a licensed Public Service official. Anything he says may be false and may cause cancer. Do not trust this man. He is useless in every way. This has been an authentic public service announcement.
Public Service #1: (shoving #2 off-stage) You always do that! (exuent)
Mike: BRING OUT THE TRANSLATOR!!
(Dan walks out and stands facing forward next to mike)
Everyone, this is my translator Vicky. Say hello Vicky.
Dan: Everyone, this is my translator Vicky. Say hello Vicky.
Mike: Let's get started. Vicki, set yourself to sexualize. (Dan turns an imaginary dial on his chest) Nice job. Alright, how's everyone doing tonight?
Dan: Blowjob. Alright, who's everyone doing tonight?
Mike: Now that's not what I said. It's not even close.
Dan: I like getting head. I like it the most.
Mike: Do you see what I'm talking about?
Dan: Do you see I like fucking goats?
Mike: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
(Dan shrugs)
Mike: It also works in reverse. Perhaps instead of a vulgar image, you want to convey a peaceful, gentle emotion to your audience. No problem!
I like fucking innocent little girls
Dan: I like baking cupcakes.
Mike: The worse I get, the better it sounds! FUCK!
Dan: DAISIES!
Mike: Necrophelia!
Dan: Happiness!
Mike: All right, you get the idea, let's find out what happens when we set Vicki to "sensitivity". (Mike switches his dial) Alright Dan...
Dan: It's Vicki.
Mike: Right, sorry Vicky. I'm going to try to say some meaningless things, and see what you can make out of them, alright?
Dan: Right, sorry Vicky. (pause) When I was ten years old I tried to earn my dad's love by spending hours carving a wooden owl.
Mike: Vicky, that's pretty good. You see this way, anything that is said can become enough to touch people in your audience.
Dan: Vicky, that's pretty good. (pause) At the time of my father's death it was still unfinished, but I worked on it for twenty consecutive hours after he died so that he could be buried with it.
Mike: Right. I ate a ham sandwich today.
Dan: I wrapped the owl I had so meticulously crafted in one of the old handkerchief's dad always carried with him. No matter where we were, there it was, hanging out of his right pocket. Sometimes we would drive out into the country and it would fly out the window.
Mike: It had ham on it.
Dan: He'd say "if you don't get your chores done tonight, You're gonna go fetch that." He was obviously kidding, but I finished my chores that night, and every other night he made that idle threat. So it seemed appropriate to set this carefully hand-crafted sculpture on his solemnly still chest, wrapped in something that meant so much to both of us.
Mike: Well, I'm sure you get the picture.
Dan: When I went up to set it in his coffin, I couldn't help but weep. I nearly dropped the sculpture my hands were trembling so violently.
Mike: Okay, we're getting a bit carried away...
Dan: (continuing without delay from before) I had to steady my hand on the side of the hard coffin. (Mike leans over and switches dial again) It was sooo hard.....and I knew it was wrong, but it felt so good.
Mike: I don't like to leave her on "sensitivity" too long. Besides that, Dan can be personalized so that he best suits your needs. I've already made it so that you hardly need to tap him and Dan sets himself back to sexualize.
Dan: It's Vicki!
Dan: Right, sorry Vicky. Set yourself to "offend".
Dan: Right sorry, Vicky. (Dan turns the dial again) Judaism is for pussies. (nods to Mike that he is ready)
Mike: (aside) Let's try a few simple statements first. (aloud) Walk the dog.
Dan: Rape the pope.
Audience Member: (coughs loudly and audibly)
Mike: Bless you!
Dan: Fuck you!
Mike: Wow, nice job Dan...(pats him on the back) Vicki.... let's see what else you can come up with.
Dan: Cum, blow job please...sticky...call me uncle Stan and tug on my winky.
Mike: Fuck, I forgot.
Dan: Strawberry shortcake, I forgot.
Mike: Vicki, switch back to "offend" (Dan turns dial). Now, where were we? Oh right, simple statements. Let's try something a bit less innocent. (to Dan) Shot the wad.
Dan: Skull-fucked the orphan.
Mike: That's beautiful
Dan: Genocide can be good.
Mike: And that's not all! Let's set him to Stangl! (turns dial) I like cream cheese.
Dan: Sometimes my poop is soft, sometimes it has nuts in it.
Mike: I like poop.
Dan: I like....(shakes head as if malfunctioning) Yeah...what he said.
Mike: I like to tease him sometimes. He can also be set to vulgarize, stun, seduce, intimidate and circumcise. Available in three speeds, and a variety of colors. Outside of the no shame forum, Vicki is perfect for those ackward first-date situations, barmitzvah's and for any party. (pats Dan on the back - resetting him)
Chris: You know, Mike, maybe this sketch could make it on the Best Of No Shame.
Mike: Really?
Sarah: Yeah, maybe.
Mike: I can't believe it!
Chris: Yeah right, you've got to be kidding!
Mike: Fuck, I knew you would do that, you heartless bastard.
Dan: (still acting as translator) Thanks anyway, maybe next semester.
Mike: Shut up Dan.
Dan: It's Vicki (stares forward).

LIGHTS DOWN

"Insert Clever Title Here" debuted April 16, 1999, performed by Mike Cassady, Dan Brooks, Chris Okiishi, Sarah Greer, Kyle Lange and James Erwin.

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