You look at Buck and bat your (still developing) eyelashes. "Oh, Buck," you coo. "There's nothing I'd like more than to go to the Big Dance with you. But I don't have the money for a dress."

He looks at you with that gruff, manly look you've always admired. "Hell, with a face like that, you don't need a dress."

You giggle and say, "But I'd get arrested."

He puts his arm around you and says, "You're just like me, babe. Always livin' on the edge."

The night of the Big Dance arrives. Muffi isn't speaking to you, naturally, but from what you heard, she got out of the dress and managed to find a date with the wrestling team. While you weren't crazy about the idea at first, Buck finally convinced you that going to the dance in your underwear is a great way to rebell. Since you don't have any money to get new underwear, you have to wear your trusty Wonder Woman Underoos, which are the fanciest pair you own.

Your parents think it's a little weird that you're going to the Big Dance 1) with Muffi's boyfriend, 2) in Linda Carter's outfit, 3) with an early-'80's Madonna's hair, 4) with Tammy Faye Bakker's face. But they were hippies in the '60's, so they're all into you expressing yourself and stuff.

Buck arrives and takes you to the Big Dance in his Trans Am. When you get there, everything is magical and beautiful and wonderful and special, and the gym doesn't even smell as bad as usual. Since Buck is your one True Love, it doesn't even bother you very much that Muffi has to let her dates take turns dancing with her. "They just want her for her eyelashes," you think, "but Buck really loves me for what's inside."

You dance up a storm, both literally and figuratively. As the DJ plays the last strains of a classic Boyz II Men song, you hear thunder clapping above the gym. As Buck walks you back to the Trans Am in the parking lot, it begins pouring rain. You feel so free and joyful, after just having the best night of your life, that you begin leaping about in the downpour.

Unfortunately, the combination of the facts that your Underoos are a bit tight (they don't really make them in junior sizes), they've been bleached a lot (you used to wet the bed), and your city's nickname is "Our Rain's More Acidic than Yours," leads to disaster. One minute you're prancing like a pony, the next minute you're prancing like a pony whose Underoos have begun to dissolve. Not only that, you suddenly realize that you forgot to put on the WaterBeater topcoat over your makeup, so your entire new look is dissolving by the moment.

Buck takes one look at you and has the internal conflict, "Whoa, a nearly naked girl. Whoa, she's not so hot without her makeup." He opts for the latter frame of mine, hops into his Trans Am, and leaves you in the parking lot.

Just then, Muffi approaches with her date, the wrestling team. The wrestling team says simultaneously, "Whoa, a nearly naked girl." Their standards are somewhat lower than Buck's, so it doesn't bother them that you're not so hot without makeup. They dump Muffi and give you a ride home in their communal VW bus. Fortunately for you, they're very gentlemanly, and get you home reasonably harrassment-free.

Once you get home, safe in your bed, you think of Muffi, who could still be in the parking lot. "Well," you think, "she may have the eyelashes, but I triumphed this time."

THE END

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