I’ll Send A Message In A Butthole

I’ll Send A Message In A Butthole By J. Lin Erwin

Performed by J Erwin, A Clarke

LIGHTS DOWN AND UP.

Johnny: Wow! That sex was great!

Isolde: Totally!

Johnny: Wanna have more sex?

Isolde: Sweet!

(pause)

Johnny: (wiping off chin) That sex was even better!

Isolde: I’ll say!

Johnny: Wow! Sex.

Isolde: Hey? Do that thing again.

Johnny: The one thing?

Isolde: Yeah.

Johnny: Ic beon Slim Shady, giese ic beon se lieft Shady
Eall ge oder Slim Shadys bist buton gaefenlaecan
So lusten se lieft Slim Shady lician astandan,
lician astandan, lician astandan?

Isolde: I don’t find that hot anymore.

Johnny: Old English is totally hot.

Isolde: Witheringly geekish pursuits like Old English or listening to Weezer are only endearing in the beginning of a relationship, when I am convincing myself you are unique. Now I’d be much happier if you were predictable.

Johnny: I can be predictable.

Isolde: Oh, don’t be such a pussy.

Johnny: I’m not entirely sure what you want.

Isolde: Me neither.

(beat)

Johnny: Hm. (wipes off chin)

Isolde: Hm. (picks at teeth) Do you think religion is about comfort or about hope?

Johnny: That has nothing to do-

Isolde: Yes. It does.

Johnny: I love you.

(beat)

Johnny: (wipes off chin) I love you.

(beat)

Johnny: (wipes off chin more strongly) I love you!

(beat)

Johnny: (wipes off chin furiously) I LOVE YOU!

Isolde: You’re ignoring my question.

Johnny: I can’t answer it.

(beat)

Isolde: I love you.

LIGHTS DOWN.