copyright © 1999
All have a sheet of red paper in their lap. Crazy Lady is covering her face with hers.
James: I don't like these things.
Brad puts paper over face.
James: Damn.
Pause.
James: Excuse me. Do you have the time?
Crazy Lady lowers her paper.
CL: It is ten til four.
Crazy Lady brays out a grating laugh.
James: I said shit out loud. You think it is because I am dismayed at the time. Actually, I have said
shit because you are a crazy lady. You are a crazy-ass lady and I don't want to talk to you. You
are obsessed with the People's Republic of China. Your hair is dyed black and up in a bun with
chopsticks through it and you wear brown contacts. I know for a fact that you have openly
expressed approval of the Tiananmen Massacre, one because you are a sickening little toady of
the Maoist gerontocracy, and two because you are wrong in the head. I am no longer talking to
myself.
Pause.
James: You've_ talked to Asians before, haven't you?
Pause.
CL: I should go meet someone.
Crazy Lady puts paper over face. Brad pulls paper down.
Brad: Ready to go?
One beat.
Lights down.
"IT HAPPENED ONE NIGHT" OR "THERE'S A CRAWDAD IN MY URETHRA AND HE'S
POINTING HIS CLAWS AT YOU" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE
DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE
EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
James, Brad, and Crazy Lady sit at center stage.
Brad: You shouldn't.
James: Then why did we go?
Brad: Tradition.
James: Ah. Hey- what's over there? I'll turn my back momentarily.
Brad: I'll be back at two.
James: Shit.
CL: Ni hao ma.
James: I am Korean.
CL: You looked like you have Asian blood. Are you only part Korean?
James: I am half Korean.
CL: Your mother or your father?
James: My mother.
CL: Let me guess. Your father was in the military and your mother met him when she was
working on the base!
CL: Yes! I hang out with a lot of Asian people.
James: Ah.
CL: You know, that's actually a pretty common hybrid.
James: Hybrid. Yes. I am a hybrid. Most children are produced by fucking, but I was created in a
sterile lab environment.
James: That would be good for you.
James: Not just yet. I can't think of a closing line.
"It Happened One Night" or "There's a Crawdad in my Urethra and he's
Pointing His Claws at You" debuted January 29,
1999.