Lights down and up as three women scurry around preparing supper.

Benazir: Hurry! It's almost time for him to come home.
Fatima: What's for dinner?
Benazir: Oh, I just threw together some roast beef and scalloped potatoes and apple dumplings and falafel and some fresh-baked bread and tarragon chicken on a bed of wild rice this afternoon.
Heena: Oh, wonderful!

Abdul enters and hangs up his coat and hat.

Abdul: Hi, all! He kisses them all on the cheek. Now, what's for supper?
Benazir: Well, take a look.
Abdul: Aw, that looks terrific! I'll go wash up.

He leaves. The women rush to their seats. He returns dabbing his hands.

Abdul: All right. I'll just say grace.

They all turn to face stage right. Abdul raises his arms and chants a prayer in Arabic. He sits.

Abdul: There, now. Let's chow down.

Heena: Say, uh... there's something I wanted to ask you.

Fatima looks at her and makes `ixnay' gestures.

Abdul: (pause) Alright, then.
Heena: I'd- well- I want to keep my clitoris.
Abdul: Now, we've talked about this, and we both know you're past the age a girl should have a clitoris.
Heena: Jenny has her clitoris!
Abdul: How's Jenny's family runs her life is their business. No clitoris. Period. It's bad enough I let you go to school.
Fatima: Just eat your dinner, Heena.
Heena: Don't tell me what to do, Fatima! You're just jealous!
Fatima: Of you? Fat chance!
Abdul: Hey! Hey! Hey! Last time I checked, I was still patriarch of this household, and I won't tolerate any bickering between my wives. Now let's just eat a civil dinner.

A sullen pause.

Fatima: (relenting) Okay... I'm a little jealous.

Heena blushes shyly.

Abdul: Why?
Benazir: Heena bore you a male heir today.
Abdul: Heena! That's terrific! Well, I'll tell you what. Let's see how Ibrahim-
Heena: I named him Mohammed-
Abdul: IBRAHIM- is doing in a couple of months. If he turns out to be sickly, I'll divorce you. But if he's healthy, you can keep your clitoris.
Heena: Wow! That's so keen!

All freeze. Abdul steps forward.

Abdul: All innocent fun, isn't it? A harmless little sketch about Islam. Well, you're wrong. Dead wrong. Because there's nothing harmless about Islam. The savage, medieval specter of Islam hangs over our nation today and tomorrow, this could be your family. Have you talked to your children about Islam? Do you know the telltale signs of incipient Mohammedanism? Did you know that nearly fifteen percent of workers on the new Interstate Defense Highways are either Islamic or have heard of Islam? It's not too late to save our Christian way of life- as long as you help do your part.

Lights down.

"Parody #3" or "Why We Fight" debuted February 5, 1999.

Performed again at Best of No Shame on April 30, 1999

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