copyright © 2002 Jeff Goode

The Moaning After

by Jeff Goode

copyright © 2002


(Two PARANOIDS sit facing each other - Not in character yet.)

ONE. This is an actual conversation I overheard at a restaurant.

TWO. Okay.

(The ACTORS go straight into the scene without changing position.)

ONE. So did you hear how now they're saying that the guy he was traveling with that was his step son, that now maybe he really isn't his step son?

TWO. Oh, yeah?

ONE. So like it's because he's gay. And that's why he did it.

TWO. Oh, I know. Or do you remember when they "reached out" to the immigrant community, like maybe the immigrants aren't helping as much as they should.

ONE. Or like the immigrants know something but they're not telling because they're immigrants. Like THAT'S the problem: That there are too many foreigners in this country, and THAT'S why we have all these school shootings.

TWO. Right, and all the nice white folks are getting squeezed out of those terrific meat-packing jobs..

ONE. Right, and then it turns out the guy was white all along.

TWO. No, he wasn't. He was black.

ONE. No, but I mean he was American, though. African American.

TWO. Right, right, but then don't you love how right away they started talking about how he's Jamaican. Like, see, it WAS the foreigners after all. Just like we told you.

ONE. Even though it was just one of them and HE was going to school in Tacoma.

TWO. I love how they made such a big deal about him being a weekday warrior. Like for awhile there he wasn't killing on weekends.

ONE. Yeah, for two whole weekends.

TWO. And so they went on the news and said, "Yep, looks like even snipers have jobs."

ONE. Yeah, like rich people never decide who gets to live and who gets to die.

TWO. Right. Like a sniper's going to work weekends anyway. The guy's got a God complex. He's not going to put in overtime because some geek in middle management is worried about productivity. On a Sunday? That's his day of rest!

ONE. And then it turns out he doesn't even HAVE a job.

TWO. Right, so he totally could've been a rich guy.

ONE. (sarcasm) Oh, no, that's too unthinkable.

TWO. But did you see how they jumped all over it that he had a restraining order?

ONE. Right, because that's totally different.

TWO. Like just because someone's a wife beater that makes them a murderer?

ONE. No, but the worst was when they said it was two men. That was ridiculous.

TWO. Right, but it was two men.

ONE. No, but it wasn't.

TWO. Yes it was, it was two men in a blue Caprice.

ONE. No, see that's my point, you're doing the exact same thing.

TWO. I don't know what you're talking about.

ONE. Okay, you remember when they thought it was an olive-skinned guy?

TWO. Right, but that was just some guy making things up.

ONE. Right, and they thought it was a white van, or maybe a cream colored van or maybe it was a box-type truck with a broken tail light, or maybe it wasn't.

TWO. Right.

ONE. But then they said, okay, do-over, forget the van, forget the AK-74, start from scratch. The only thing we know for sure is "male". That's what they said. The only definite thing is "male".

TWO. Right, but he was male.

ONE. No, he wasn't. That was somebody else. That was two olive-skinned guys in a white box-type truck that were picking up some ladders at the Home Depot, that probably weren't even real anyway. That's why they threw out the whole description.

TWO. Yeah, I know that.

ONE. Well, so why did they keep the "male" part?

TWO. (beat) Oh, dude! I didn't even think about that.

ONE. There were no reliable witnesses. It totally could have been a chick at that point.

TWO. You're right. That's pretty scary.

ONE. We so got profiled right there.

TWO. Well, I didn't, I'm straight.

(ONE is about to react... BLACKOUT.)


"The Moaning After" debuted November 1, 2002, performed by Jeff Goode & Chris Clarke.

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