copyright © 2002 Jeff Goode

2 Girls (working title)

by Jeff Goode

(2 GIRLS onstage. ONE faces out. TWO faces ONE.)

ONE. What do women want?

TWO. I dunno.

ONE. I mean really.

TWO. I don't know.

ONE. Men are simple: Feed me. Fuck me. Football.

TWO. Not necessarily in that order.

ONE. Women? I dunno. Anybody's guess.

TWO. We're like a mystery.

ONE. What was that?

TWO. They're like a mystery.

ONE. Oh. I thought you said something else.

(weird pause)

I mean, am I wrong about this?

TWO. No, you're right. They say they want one thing...

ONE. That's right! They say one thing. So you do the one thing. Now, they want something else.

TWO. It's like a game with them.

ONE. That's right. A sick, twisted game. And we're the victims.

TWO. We're the losers.

ONE. Are you calling me a loser?

TWO. Of the game. Losers of the game. Game's don't have victims.

(weird pause)

ONE. I mean like shoes.

TWO. Tell me about it.

ONE. What is up with shoes?

TWO. What is up with that?

ONE. I mean, I understand the hair the make up, the bare midriff. They want to look nice.

TWO. (dreamily describes ONE'S outfit) Hot pink skirt with a little hat.

ONE. But shoes?

TWO. (pshaws) Pff!

ONE. Nobody's looking at the shoes. Nobody. Do they even understand that? That no man in the history of the world, in his entire life has ever noticed a pair of shoes. Unless he was gay.

TWO. Those are nice, by the way.

ONE. Thank you. And yet they're buying these expensive... Uncomfortable... Contraptions. With no arch support.

TWO. I know.

ONE. For what? Who are they trying to impress?

TWO. I dunno.

ONE. A woman spending money on a fancy pair of shoes is like a man getting a tattoo on the inside of his rectum.

TWO. Hey, I was drunk.

(weird pause)

ONE. You know who's hot?

TWO. (immediately) Lesbians.

ONE. (wasn't expecting that) What?

TWO. Oh, I thought you were asking.

ONE. No, I was saying... You think lesbians are hot?

TWO. No. Well, I mean, sure. I mean, don't you?

ONE. Well, sure, but why would you say that just now?

TWO. I thought you were asking. You said, "You know who's hot?" and I thought you meant like, as a question, "Who's hot?"

ONE. No, it was rhetorical.

TWO. Oh.

ONE. I know lesbians are hot.

TWO. Okay, sorry.

ONE. I wasn't asking that.

TWO. Okay.

ONE. Angelina Jolie.

TWO. What do you mean?

ONE. That's who's hot.

TWO. Oh. Well, you're right about that.

(weird pause)

ONE. You're fantasizing about me again, aren't you?

TWO. No.

ONE. You are, you've got that look in your eye.

TWO. No, I'm not. I don't. I'm not.

ONE. All right, then what am I wearing?

TWO. (looks her up and down.)

I'd rather not say.



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