Gun & Cell Phone

by Jeff Goode

(Jeff is holding a cell phone and an assault rifle.)
(Enter Chris.)

CHRIS

What's with the gun and the cell phone?

JEFF

They just came out with a ANOTHER STUDY that says driving while using a cell phone causes traffic accidents.

Accidents directly related to cell phone usage caused $43 BILLION dollars of damage last year. 2600 people died. And there were 330,000 injuries.

But here's the thing.

They're saying, hold on, NOT SO FAST on banning the use of cell phones while driving

Because here's the thing.

The same study showed that the VALUE people place on having a cell phone is ALSO around $43 billion.

So they're not sure if they should ban it.

I mean, seriously, when you think about it WHICH IS MORE VALUABLE?

$43 billion worth of stock options and business transactions.

Or $43 billion worth of DEAD PEOPLE.

I mean, I like my cell phone. But not if people have to DIE for it.

2,600 people.

That's about how many died in the World Trade Center.

I guess that means as long as Osama bin Laden feels that he got about

$43 billion worth out of it, then that's perfectly acceptable.

We really shouldn't ask him to give that up.

It's no wonder people HATE US.

It's no wonder there's so much ANTI-AMERICAN sentiment in the world.

Because when one of us WALKS INTO A ROOM.

And takes out a cell phone.

They know, that if we could make ONE PHONE CALL that will more than cover the cost of their burial.

We will absolutely NOT HESITATE TO MAKE THAT CALL.

In fact, we will FIGHT TO THE DEATH for the RIGHT to make that call.

Jesus Christ.

That's fucked up.

You can't do that.

You can't do that and still consider yourself a human being.

(Jeff falls silent. Chris stares at him for a moment.)

CHRIS

What the fuck was that?

You just did a fucking public service announcement in the middle of the show.

What was that?

What's theatrical about that?

(Jeff points the gun at Chris.)

JEFF

Bang.

"Gun & Cell Phone" IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR

AUTHOR'S NOTES:
This piece was inspired by an Associated Press article which appeared in that week's papers. The article described a recent study which concluded that the benefits of using cell phones while driving, outweighed the toll in human lives.

"Gun & Cell Phone" debuted December 6, 2002, performed by Jeff Goode & Chris Clarke.

Performed at Best of No Shame (Los Angeles) March 27th-29th, 2003, with the following cast: Jeff Goode, Chris Clarke

[Jeff Goode's website]

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