copyright © 2002 Jeff Goode

Santa Worship (working title)

by Jeff Goode

copyright © 2002


     (A SANTA WORSHIPPER approaches in a red suit with white trim and wielding a Bible.)


Have you accepted Santa Claus as your personal savior?

I know. You thought I was going to talk about the other guy.

That's who I used to work for, you know.

But there was just so much negativity:

Hate this, bomb that. No, bomb this, hate that.

No, no, bomb everything.

It was like that episode of X-men where the Phoenix turns into Dark Phoenix and goes on a rampage and destroys the whole planet, even though she's one of the good guys.

Somewhere along the line the Good Lord turned into the Dark Lord, and now it's like the 10 commandments is a 10 most wanted list, and everybody's looking to collect the reward money.

"Step out of the car, sinner!

With your hands in the air!

     [You're looking at the King James Version

     66 chapters of the most powerful verse in the world

     So you've got to ask yourself one question:

     Do I feel lucky?

     Well do ya punk?

A lot of times, when I was telling people about my personal relationship with you-know-who, they would run.

They thought I was going to hurt them.

Which I would never do.

But I know a lot of people who would. So I guess I understand.

Like my friend Kurt. He's a guy I used to witness around with.

He had this thing he called the Bat of God.

It was a Louisville Slugger that he modified for missionary work.

He sanded over the logo

And carved a crucifix into the sweet spot.

Or no, maybe it was a confederate flag. Whatever, same thing.

And then he wrapped the handle in some fingerprint-resistant tape he got at a gun shop.

He always said, if you're gonna be pro-choice

You better be ready to play pro-ball.

Kurt was like the Barry Bonds of family values.

[His slugging percentage was incredible.

I don't think I ever saw him miss.]

He was so good it was scary.

But that's the thing.

You don't want people to be afraid of you.

They should fear the Lord, sure.

But if they start fearing you.

Well, that's playing God, isn't it?

And then you're no better than the people who are involved in

Cloning and gene splicing. And space travel.

And birth control, and soil conservation,

And creating light,

And healing the sick.

And feeding the multitudes.

     (looks perplexed)

I'm still not exactly sure why playing God is wrong, but it just is.

That's one of the reasons why I switched.

Nobody ever gets mad at anyone for playing Santa Claus.

Not that I'm mad at you-know-who. But he's just so conflicted.

I mean, "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us"? That doesn't even make sense. I never trespassed against anybody.

And how are we supposed to get any good Supreme Court justices when you-know-who is famous for saying "Judge not, lest ye be judged"?

One time I was taking part in a candlelight vigil outside a prison where a convicted murderer was about to be executed.

And I got in a big argument with one of those lunatics who thinks capital punishment should be outlawed.

And she tried to tell me that,

You-know-who would be against the death penalty.

[If he were alive today,]

Right. Like, just because he was executed by the Romans under false pretenses, that now somehow that makes him soft on crime.

I told her, "Who are you to tell me what you-know-who would do?"

And then she called me a "hatemonger" and threw some red paint on me.

     (looks disgruntled)

Like that's supposed to symbolize something.


And I started thinking...

You know, maybe you-know-who is the problem.

Because this sort of thing never happens to me at my day job.

I get along with just about everybody there.

It's only when I try to talk to people about the immaculate conception.

Or the infield fly rule.

Or the true meaning of Christmas.

That they get all defensive.

And that's when it hit me...

Christmas! Santa Claus!

Everybody loves Santa Claus

And he's a lot like you-know-who but without all the baggage.

Except for the one big one. And it's full of toys.

He's not Jewish, so there's half your problem right there.

And the suit is already red, so it doesn't show as much if you get blood on it.

And all of the core values are the same.

     So you're not missing anything.

You've still got good and evil.

Only now it's called naughty and nice.

And instead of sending you to hell you get coal in your stocking.

So it's less controversial.

And talk about loving your neighbor!

When's the last time you-know-who went house to house and left presents under everyone's trees?

So that's why I converted to Santa-nism

And I got my friend Kurt to help me write the Santa-nic Bible.

It's pretty much like the regular bible,

only when you get to the New Testament,

we had to cross out all the you-know-whos and put Santa Claus instead.

And there's 8 tiny disciples instead of 12.


"And Santa Claus said,

Suffer the little children to come unto me.

And they came bearing gifts of milk and cookies for his reindeer.

And Santa Claus said,

Merrily merrily I say unto you.

Fear not, for I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

And to all a good night.

Ho ho ho!"

     (closes the Bible)

He's knocking at the chimney to your heart. Won't you let him in?



This is one of a series of monologues developed at No Shame Los Angeles which became part of the play Anger Box. The text above is the original, unrevised version of the script as performed at No Shame.

"Santa Worship" debuted December 20, 2002, performed by Jeff Goode

[Jeff Goode's website]

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