Movie Review: The Girl Next Door

by Jeff Goode

copyright © 2004

JEFF

I saw that movie. That "Girl Next Door" movie.

MIKE

Yeah? What'd you think of that?

JEFF

Is it wrong that I want to fuck her brains out?

MIKE

Well, before I answer that, let me just say how thrilled and honored I am that you have turned to me for moral guidance.

JEFF

I mean, I really want to fuck the fuck out of her.

MIKE

I understand.

JEFF

And not in a mean or rapey way.

MIKE

No, of course not.

JEFF

"Make love", they call it. I want to make love her brains out.

MIKE

I'm not sure that's the correct usage, but okay.

JEFF

Is that wrong?

MIKE

Not necessarily.

JEFF

Is it wrong that I want to taste her in ways that no woman should go untasted?

MIKE

I think it's wrong that you're describing it to me.

JEFF

I just want to take her in the backroom at CTU where they interrogate all the prisoners, and bend her over that chair where Nina shot her mother and just interrogate the bejeezus out of her.

MIKE

Okay, now it sounds like you're talking about the TV show "24".

JEFF

Of course I'm talking about the TV show "24".

MIKE

And you understand that it's a TV show.

JEFF

Yeah. I got that from it being on TV. It's one of those reality shows.

MIKE

No. No, it's not. It's not reality.

JEFF

In what sense?

MIKE

In the sense that it's a scripted show, and not reality.

JEFF

Why do you think they call it "24"? So you know it's legitimate. Like "60 Minutes" or "20/20". Numbers are so you know what's a news show.

MIKE

So you think "2 Guys a Girl and a Pizza Place" is current events?

JEFF

Is that the one where they lock 3 people in a restaurant and the first one to make a pizza gets to work for Donald Trump, or something like that?

MIKE

Okay, never mind. "24" is not a reality show.

JEFF

Then how come they've got all those hidden cameras all over the place and there's a camera crew following Kiefer Sutherland around everywhere he goes, even when he's just doing boring stuff.

MIKE

I'm not going to have this discussion with you.

JEFF

So when they set off that nuclear bomb outside Los Angeles. What did you think that was, a sitcom?

MIKE

That never happened.

JEFF

Sure it did.

MIKE

No, it didn't! If there were bombs going off outside L.A., don't you think we would have heard about it? Don't you think it would be on TV?

JEFF

It was. It was on "24".

MIKE

That's not--! Okay. How do you explain the President?

JEFF

Dude, I don't even try.

MIKE

No, I mean the President on the show "24".

JEFF

Oh, sure. Arnold Palmer.

MIKE

I think his name is David Palmer, but fine.

JEFF

Oh shit, you're right. Arnold Palmer is somebody else. The governor, I think.

MIKE

Stay with me for a minute. The President on 24... is a black man.

JEFF

Duh.

MIKE

Has the President of the United States ever been a black man?

JEFF

Morgan Freeman in "Deep Impact".

MIKE

That was a movie.

JEFF

And Chris Rock in that movie Head of State. Wasn't he black in that one?

MIKE

But those are movies.

JEFF

I know that. How do you think people get to be President?

MIKE

Elections. They hold elections.

JEFF

Oh, no. My understanding is that the elections are optional.

MIKE

They're not optional, they're... oh my God.

JEFF

I think it was getting too hard to get a majority to agree on anything, so now we just do it by whoever people think is the president, and that's who it is.

MIKE

How do you co me up with this stuff?

JEFF

Dude, it's right there in the Supreme Court. They said that in the event of a disputed election, it would be illegal to have a recount because that might cast doubt on the guy people thought was president if it turned out he wasn't really. So now we just go by whoever's on TV.

MIKE

Oh, God help us. You're right.

JEFF

Now, if you don't mind, I gotta get to the video store. I've got a date with Elisha Cuthbert.

(FADE TO BLACK)

q.v. Movie Reviews with Mike & Jeff