Movie Reviews with Mike & Jeff- by Jeff Goode - copyright © 2004
(LIGHTS UP ON: MIKE & JEFF sitting)
Previously on "Movie Reviews with Mike and Jeff"
Of all the ridiculous crap you've said over the last three months... this is the dumbest! I can't do this anymore.
(Mike stands up.)
I quit. I just...I quit...you're on your own.
(Mike starts to go, turns back, points at Jeff, andMike exits.)
(BLACKOUT) ... (LIGHTS BACK UP)
(Jeff is alone onstage.)
So I saw that movie Troy.
Boy, was that misleading.
This movie was so obviously just a remake of Kill Bill Volume 1,
because there was all the same cool sword fighting,
and the title character ... does not even appear in the film.
Although, like in Kill Bill, they talked about him CONSTANTLY.
"Troy will do this" and "Troy won't do that" and
"Troy will never bow to foreign invaders" and
"Here's the sword of Troy, don't let it touch the ground or fall into enemy hands,
because if we can smuggle it out of the city, Troy will LIVE!"
Maybe if Troy carried his own damn sword,
His cholesterol would be lower and
He wouldn't need the life-saving operation,
WHICH we don't find out if he gets till the next movie.
I just hope he's not played by David Carradine
Because that was a total let down.
But I don't mind so much that Troy wasn't in the movie Troy,
Because - like in the original Kill Bill -
The REAL star of the film is not Bill,
but a bad-ass butt-kicking, blonde hottie with a sword.
In this case, Brad Pitt - played here by Achilles, the God of Tendons.
HIS performance as the world's greatest superhero,
and the cool swordfighting,
and the gratuitous nudity
and the huge battle scenes,
and the amazing special effects
ALONE were worth the price of admission.
But I was NOT EXPECTING
the free love story you get as a bonus with your purchase
This is what really put this movie over the top
Up into, like, TITANIC territory
Or even KILL BILL VOLUME TWO territory
I'm serious, give that man an Oscar
And give his little friend, I dunno, an Emmy, or a Golden Globe.
The sheer erotic chemistry between the beautiful, buxom, blonde, he-devil, Brad Pitt
And his equally blonde, equally bisexual cousin Patrocles
Was the hottest thing I've seen on the big screen since...
The Olsen Twins the week before.
When Brad Pitt refused to go into battle
Because of some silly argument with Agamemnon
And Patrocles steals his clothes
And leads the Myrmidons into battle in his place,
Even though he knows he is NOTHING without Brad Pitt
But the show must go on!
And Patrocles is killed in battle by Brad Pitt's arch enemy Hector
Played by the Incredible Hulk -
But not the real one, not Lou Ferrigno.
The ANG LEE Incredible Hulk kills him.
And Patrocles dies alone
On a sandy beach,
Surrounded by sailors
Because Brad Pitt wasn't there for him when he really needed him.
Oh my God...
(Mike comes back.)
Oh, all right!
I accept your apology.
Yeah, well, you're dying out here.
Oh my God!
This is just like when Patrocles is lying there
With a dagger in his heart,
Drowning / Choking ... in his own blood
And Brad Pitt realizes he was wrong to abandon his love cousin
In the heat of battle
Right in the middle of the movie
And rushes to his bedside
like he's probably done so many times before on those
warm summer nights in southern Sicily
But this time it's too late, because Patrocles is already dead.
And now Brad Pitt has to take on the entire enemy army all by himself -
Which he can totally do! -
But now he does it alone.
With only the love of women to comfort him.
(Jeff starts to leave)
Where are you going?
It's too late, Mike. I'm not your cousin
You should have thought of that before you left me to take on the Incredible Hulk all by myself. You're on your own now, soldier. Goodbye.
(BLACKOUT)THIS SCRIPT IS COPYRIGHTED MATERIAL AND MAY NOT BE DOWNLOADED, TRANSMITTED, PRINTED OR PERFORMED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR
Performed by Jeff Goode & Mike Rothschild, with Edward Luhn.