copyright © 2005 Jeff Goode

Name Dropping for Jesus

by Jeff Goode

copyright © 2005

A wise man once said — or maybe it was a woman — but whoever it was: very wise — once said:
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
And that man’s name… was Adolph Hitler.
Or maybe it wasn’t Hitler - maybe it was someone else — but whoever it is — the point is — it doesn’t matter who it is: — It’s just good advice.
You treat people nice, maybe they’ll treat you nice.
You act like a dick — you’re probably gonna get dick in return.
It just makes sense.
That’s the thing about Morality. It’s really just common sense.
You don’t need to puff it up with celebrity endorsements.
"Y’know… Gandhi says: Stealing is bad."
"And Mother Theresa is against extortion."
That’s why you’ll never hear someone say:
"It is wrong to tie a woman down to a pool table and rape her with a billiard cue… Because GOD wouldn’t like it."
And you’ve never heard a parent tell a kid…
"Don’t grab the dog by the ears and kick it in the nuts, or Jesus will hate you and you’ll burn in hell for eternity."
Yes, it probably does piss Jesus off, and yes, you probably WILL burn in hell, but nobody needs to tell you that. That’s just overkill.
"Don’t kick the dog in the nuts, I get it, it’s bad. How would I like it if someone did that me to me, you’re right, I take your point."
It’s obvious.

And the same is true for good deeds.
When you’re doing the right thing you don’t actually officially NEED God’s seal of approval. You don’t have to worry about:

"Oh crap, I just donated 20 bucks to the Salvation Army, but nobody said ‘God bless me’ as I was leaving. What if he doesn’t?! What if I burn in hell for that?!"
"Oh, shit, I gave blood to the Red Cross this afternoon.
What if I burn in hell for that, too?"

You don’t have to have Jesus standing at the end of the line handing you a cup of apple juice to know you did a good thing.

Right and Wrong — Morality and Immorality - is pretty black and white.
It’s only when you get into the gray areas where God doesn’t really have an opinion that you start to hear people telling you God’s opinion.

It’s only when you’re trying to decide — "vanilla" or "chocolate" — that some prick from the Vanilla Company is going to try to tell you:
"Y’know… Chocolate is more sinful."
So, ironically, the only time you’ll ever see someone on the news (or in the Senate) preaching Morality is when they’d like to convince you to do something that’s actually IMMORAL.
Like shutting down a school.
Or taking money away from the poor.
And God forbid they want you to commit an actual crime, cuz then you know God’s name is gonna come up a lot.
Like bombing an abortion clinic — Jesus would approve of that.
Or tie a faggot to a fence and beat the crap out of him:
"Y’know Jesus never liked him.
He hates homosexuals.
Y’know what he likes, though?

Jesus would LOVE it if you forgave that priest who molested all those children, and all the people who hid all the evidence —
"Yeah, it’s the Christian thing to do.
Forgiveness I mean, not the molesting."

Although molesting children isn’t an especially un-Christian thing, when you really think about it.
I mean, it’s not like it’s an abomination.
We really oughta give the father a second chance. And a third one — if we really want to prove we’re Christians.

But those god damn gays!
There oughta be a constitutional amendment!
We gotta stop ‘em before they destroy the sanctity of everything sanctified.

"I’m sorry, I get a little worked up when I see people
HURTING JESUS with their Sin."

Jesus wants you to pray in school.
Jesus wants you to force other people to pray in school.
"I know he says the exact opposite in the New Testament when he tells you to pray in private, not in public, because people who pray in public are just showing off, but c’mon, who are you gonna listen to? Jesus Christ?
Or me telling you about Jesus Christ?"

"Do you want to burn in hell? Then burn those books!
Don’t make me call Jesus in here."

Jesus would like you to go to war and kill all the bad people.
"But isn’t killing bad people kind of like… killing?"
Well, yes and no:
Yes, technically, killing is killing and yadda yadda yadda ten commandments.
But NO, killing bad people isn’t the same as committing murder,
Because the bad people were planning things that were much worse than murder.
For example, they might be planning to commit murder!
Uh, …of non-bad people. Hmm. That doesn’t even make sense to me.
All right, look!
Jesus is down with this plan, so are you gonna rot for eternity?
Or you wanna get on this bus, soldier?!

"Is our plan working? I dunno. Better start singing God Bless America."

(Exits singing "God Bless America")

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