copyright © 2005 Jeff Goode


by Jeff Goode

copyright © 2005

5:     The views expressed in this piece do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the actual persons depicted, or of the actors portraying them. Except maybe him. (points at JEFF.)

3:     "Sport" — Noun — Physical activity that is governed by a set of rules or customs and often engaged in competitively.

This is an actual conversation I heard last weekend:

1:     Tony Hawk is a fag.

4:     No, he’s not, he’s married.

1:     YES, HE IS!! He’s a ball-sucking, ass-taking, skirt-wearing, transvestite-faggot-loving homosexual, end of story!

That’s not what was actually said. That’s what I "heard". The actual conversation went something like this:

1:     Skateboarding is not a sport.

4:     Sure, it is.

1:     NO, IT’S NOT!!

And then he called Tony Hawk a fag.

1:     A "Sport" is an athletic competition–

2:     A masculine athletic competition–

1:     Between two teams–

2:     Not just a bunch of fags skating around in tights–

1:     Who are competing — preferably head to head —

2:     So they can "defend"–

1:     To score points for specific tasks–

2:     Not just subjective points awarded by fruity judges.

4:     Like in boxing?

1:     Shut up, Fag!

Don’t get me wrong, I love a good beer-scussion as much as the next geek. "What’s your favorite sport?" "I like Cricket!" "You’re kidding, I can’t stand cricket. Too confusing. Too British." "Yes, I’m kidding!" …But I always get nervous, when someone starts talking about what is a sport and what’s not a sport, because it’s only a matter of time before it turns into a discussion of gay marriage.

3:     Wait a minute, so you’re saying ice skating is not a sport?

1:     Ice skating is not a sport.

3:     It’s in the Olympics.

1:     That is the gayest question I’ve ever heard.

3:     It’s not a question. Ice skating is in the Olympics.

2:     Ribbon ball dancing is in the Olympics. That doesn’t make it a sport.

1:     Badminton. Triathlon. Field hockey. Anything a woman can do as well or better than a man is not a sport.

2:     That’s just common sense.

3:     So, uneven parallel bars is not a sport, but parallel bars is?

1:     Well, yes and no. …Yes — uneven parallel bars is not a sport.

2:     Because you rack your balls on the low bar.

1:     But, No, Men’s Gymnastics is not a sport either because faggots can do it.

3:     Now, hold on. Just because someone is gay doesn’t mean they can’t be a professional athlete.

2:     Oh yeah? Name one.

3:     Mike Piazza.

Others:     (offended:) Ohhh!

1:     Mike Piazza —

5:     1993 rookie of the year, all-star game MVP, and one-time National League champion, Mike Piazza —

1:     …is not Gay.

3:     That’s just what I heard.

5:     Mike Piazza, for your information, is a straight guy… who makes gay guys suck his dick.

2:     And sometimes he gives them a reach around. …Because he’s a gentleman. (sheepishly:) Or so I have heard.

1:     Mike Piazza is not a fag.

5:     He plays baseball.

2:     Yeah, he plays baseball.

5:     Baseball.

1:     Which is a sport.

5:     The Sport of Kings. Not queens.

Actually, that’s Horseracing. For those of you playing at home. The Sport of Kings? We were looking for Horseracing: "What is Horseracing?" …But I’m sure you’re wondering what all of this has to do with gay marriage.

2:     Non-traditional sports, like, uh… horse racing–

1:     Perfect example, horse racing!

2:     –are not sports.

1:     They are "games" or "competitions".

2:     Or "competitory exhibitions".

1:     Xtreme Sports are not Sports, they are Sportz. With a Z.

2:     Sportzzzz.

5:     Like a gay wedding.

1:     Yes, gay marriage. Perfect example.

3:     Gay Marriage isn’t spelled with a Z.

1:     That is the gayest question I have ever heard!

3:     It’s not a question.

2:     The only thing gayer would be if you landed a triple axel while axing that question. (pleased with his pun:) Get it? Axel / Axing?

1:     Good one!

1+2:     (high five each other; ass slap each other)

3:     It’s not a question! And landing a triple axel is one of the most difficult moves in all of competitive sports. (reluctantly:) …With a Z.

5:     Fag.

1:     Look, you’re missing the point. I know how to spell Gay Wedding. (correcting:) I mean, I don’t, but I know there’s no Z.

2:     (saving him:) Or maybe there is, how would we know?

1:     Exactly!

5:     What he means is: Gay weddings are like Sportz, with a Z. Because you are only allowed to call a gay wedding a wedding if you specify gay wedding.

2:     Or spell it with a Z.

5:     Or gay marriage.

2:     Zzzzzz.

5:     Gay "man".

2:     Zzzzzz.

1:     Otherwise you have to call it a civil union.

5:     Or a partnership ceremony.

4:     Massachusetts Merger

2:     Holy Fagrimony.

5:     Munching the Marital Carpet

3:     Bumping Uglies.

2:     Tying the Slip Knot.

5:     "Topping" the Agenda.

4:     Throwing a June Barbecue with all of your "theatre" friends where only the "tolerant" parents are invited.

1:     But it’s not a "marriage".

2:     A Match Made in Frisco.

1:     We’re done with that.

2:     Sorry.

But we were talking about Sports…

5:     A marriage is a union of 2 people — a man and a woman.

You see, any time you start defining something as vague and general as Sports–

1:     Bound together in a holy ceremony presided over by a religious clergyman of either Judeo-Christian or Jewish faith.

2:     …Or on a boat.

4:     I think they’re the same thing.

2:     Jews and boats?

You’re not really talking about definitions.

5:     One of them should be dressed in white, and the other one should be wearing a suit.

You’re talking about your impressions.

2:     And there should be flowers and cake.

5:     And a honeymoon.

4:     Always a honeymoon, that’s part of it.

What pops into your mind when someone says… "Sports"?

1:     Rugged. Manly.

4:     And there’s a ball. Always a ball.

5:     And someone says (like ‘Play Ball!’:) "Kiss the Bride!"

4:     Doesn’t matter what kind, but there’s always a ball.

5:     And a reception afterwards.

2:     Or a tailgate party!

5:     And the chicken dance!

2:     (sings:) Take me out to the ball game! …continues

4-5-1:     (dancing:) Chicken chicken chicken dance. Chicken chicken chicken dance. Chicken chicken chicken dance. Quack quack quack quack.

But there’s no "definition" of sports. I mean, there is, but I don’t think you want to go there.

1-4:     No, I don’t–Well, no, I do–Well, no, I don’t–

2-5:     No, I do–Well, no, I don’t–Well, no I do–

Do you want to know what the definitive sport is? The one thing that’s been a Sport for as long as Sports were Sports?

ALL:     …No. What? Maybe. What?


ALL:     Hunting?

Hunting was a noble sport before baseball, basketball, football and hockey were even invented. And no one has ever questioned that. No one says, "Ooh, I dunno… Hunting. I dunno if I’d define that as a sport." It has no scoring. No athleticism. And no clear winner. Yet hunting is the very definition of Sport. Hunting is sporting. Hunters are sportsmen. Always have been.

2:     Always will be! Booyah!

When Soccer was sucking its mommy’s teat, Hunting was already a sport.

1:     Okay, hunting… (reluctantly:) and horseracing …and football baseball basketball hockey, are sports. But that’s it.

5:     What about weight lifting?

Others:     Fag.

But you see, when you’re out with your friends, and you’re having a light-hearted beer-scussion about–

4:     What’s more fun to watch, Greco-Roman wrestling, or women’s basketball?

Others:     (good question:) Ahhh…!

–and you suddenly start talking about definitions. You’re not really defining. You’re debating.

2:     I was on the debate team in high school.

Others:     Fag.

And Definitions are a time-honored strategy for cheating at debate. Because if you can trick your opponent into letting you define the terms, they’re never allowed to disagree with you again. For example…

4:     Okay, what about bowling?

1:     It’s not a sport because it’s not athletic.

4:     They have to whip a 16 pound ball down an alley in a straight line. You don’t think that requires strength, agility and dexterity?

1:     In one arm. But you don’t have to be in shape. You can be a fat bastard and be a good bowler.

4:     Babe Ruth was a fat bastard, are you saying Baseball isn’t a sport?

5:     Whoa whoa whoa! Are you saying Babe Ruth — the greatest athlete who ever lived–

2:     Whoa whoa whoa! Michael Jordan was the greatest athlete who ever lived.

4:     Whoa whoa whoa! Wayne Gretzky.

1:     Whoa whoa! O.J. Simpson.

2:     O.J. Simpson?

1:     Because he got to kill people.

2:     Yeah, that is pretty great.

3:     …Rudy Galindo.

Others:     (they just shake their heads in disgust:) Oy…

2:     Okay, look, there’s only one way to settle the argument of who the all-time greatest sports hero who ever lived was, and that’s with a round of beers and a free and open debate.

Others:     Hear! Hear!

2:     (slyly, as he hands out beers:) But first, we have to come up with a definition of what we mean by Sports.

Others:     Hear! Hear! (then, thinking:) Hmm…

2:     Ooh! I got one!

1:     Let’s hear it!

2:     Sports are…

Others:     (uh huh)

2:     Basketball

Others:     (grumble)

2:     and things that are similar to basketball.

Others:     (yeah, okay, sounds good)

2:     So… the all-time greatest sports hero who ever lived is…

ALL:     Michael Jordan!

Others:     (Of course, naturally, yeah, uh huh, sure, yep.)

1:     But O.J.’s a close second. (ad lib:) I mean, think about it… etc.

4:     And Gretzky! (ad lib:) I mean, c’mon, Michael Jordan - Wayne Gretzky. Come on!…etc.

5:     (ad lib:) I still say Babe Ruth is right up there with Michael…

3:     (aside to audience:) My favorite sports hero growing up was figure skater Rudy Galindo. He was courageous. He was flamboyant. He took risks just walking down the street that no Cy Young Winner - except Gaylord Perry - ever had to face on his way to the ball park. Mark McGwire didn’t have to worry about his batting average going down when the judges found out he was gay. Rudy had to skate twice as hard as everyone else just to get the same scores. That took guts. And he did it with style. Maybe it’s not your style. Maybe it’s not my style. But it’s definitely style. He was like Mark "the Bird" Fidrych on ice skates. He was like Dennis "The Worm" Rodman, only not an asshole. My greatest sports hero is Rudy Galindo. But he’s not a sports hero. Because it’s not a sport. So now I will go back into my closet. And run myself a nice warm bubble bath. And slit my wrists. Thank you, good night. (exits out the vom.)

When people try to win a debate by redefining who’s allowed to take part in the discussion–

5:     Babe Ruth!

4:     Satchel Paige!

5:     You cannot compare the two.

4:     Why? Because Satchel was a pitcher?

5:     No, now, let’s be clear here. There’s baseball. And there’s Negro Baseball. They’re not the same.

4:     Sure, they are. They’re exactly the same.

5:     No, they’re not! Yes, Satchel Paige may well have been the greatest player in the entire history of "gay" baseball.

4:     Negro baseball.

5:     Sorry, Negro baseball.

4:     Now you’re trying to compare gays and negroes!

5:     No, I’m not, I’m just saying that playing baseball "that way" isn’t the same as playing baseball.

4:     Yes, it is! It’s exactly the same! They play by the same rules. They use the same bats, the same balls. They’re played in the same stadiums.

1:     I don’t think they should be called "stadiums"

4:     Why not?

–When they start coming up with new definitions of old words that conveniently fit their new definition of traditional values–

1:     I’m not saying they can’t have a stadium. They just can’t call it a stadium.

2:     What do you want them to call it?

1:     How about a "civil union"

2:     Ooh, I like the sound of that. (to 4:) You can play ball in a "civil union".

1:     But don’t call it "baseball"

5:     It destroys the sanctity of real baseball.

2:     Y’know, I think we need a constitutional amendment.

1:     Baseball is the National pastime, after all.

5:     It would be un-American not to protect it from the gay terrorist threat.

4:     Negro!

5:     What did you call me?

4:     The Negro terrorist threat! Oh, never mind. (storms out.)

5:     What is his problem?

1:     Jesus, I don’t know. We gave him a civil union to play around in.

…Well, - that’s when - it kinda makes me want to take my ball and go home. (exits.)


(NOTE: they will continue to talk. Ignore them. The piece is already over.)

(fading out:)

5:     How ‘bout Indy car racing?

1:     It was a sport, till they let that girl almost win it.

2:     Oh, I know. How gay is that?

5:     Seriously, where’s the sanctity?

1:     Now NASCAR, that’s a sport.

2:     Booyah! What about cock fightin?

5:     Yeah, baby!


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