Movie Reviews with Mike & Jeff
by Jeff Goode
JEFF. So I finally saw that Brokeback Mountain movie. And I dont see what all the fuss is about.
MIKE. You didnt like it?
JEFF. Like it? Are you kidding? I loved it! Best movie of the year. Maybe the Century.
JEFF. That movie was better than all three of the new Star Wars movies combined. Plus Empire Strikes Back which was a total ripoff anyway.
MIKE. You didnt like Empire Strikes Back? But you liked Brokeback Mountain? I would not have expected that.
JEFF. Are you kidding? Empire had the worst screenplay in history. "Im your father, Luke"? How could Darth Vader even have children if he didnt get married until the 4th movie?
MIKE. Ah, now it makes sense.
JEFF. Then you better explain it to me, because I dont get it. It would have made much more sense if Darth Vader said he was R2D2s father. Because they have the same head.
MIKE. R2D2 is a robot.
JEFF. Yeah. But he has his fathers eye. But maybe R2s mother was one of those land speeders from the first movie. That would explain why he was on Tatooine. Looking for his birth parent.
MIKE. Okay, but you liked and apparently understood Brokeback Mountain?
JEFF. Oh, yeah. That movie kicked ass! I dont think you can even compare the two Brokeback Mountain and Empire Strikes Back. Except they both have the word "Back" in them. And something you find on a map. And "Strikes" and "Broke" are kinda similar. They have Ks. And Jake Gyllillill-- Sounds like he could be from the squid planet. Gylllililllil! (whistles like R2D2).
MIKE. Okay, but Brokeback Mountain.
JEFF. Oh! That movie kicked ass!
MIKE. But you dont see what the fuss is about.
JEFF. (shrugs) Yeah, I dont see whats the big deal.
MIKE. But it kicked ass?
MIKE. Do you see how these are two completely different reactions?
JEFF. I just dont see why theyre saying its so controversial.
MIKE. You dont?
JEFF. I mean, the two main guys are supposed to be gay, right?
MIKE. Yeah, I think they tried to imply that with the hot cowboy-on-cowboy sex scenes.
JEFF. Well, then, so what?
MIKE. I see. So you loved the movie, you just dont understand what all the fuss is about.
JEFF. Isnt that what I said?
MIKE. Yes, in fact it was. I apologize.
JEFF. I mean, come on! Theres two guys and theyre both gay. And theyre cowboys. Theyre gay cowboys.
JEFF. All right, then! Stuff happens. Who are we to judge?
MIKE. Well, some people dont feel the same way about gay people that you do.
JEFF. Well, they should. It should be the norm.
MIKE. I dunno about that.
JEFF. And Im not just saying it because theyre gay. They could be two gay guys or black guys or Asian-looking. It doesnt matter. People are people. Stuff happens. You cant go pointin fingers of blame just because what went down is kinda nasty-lookin.
MIKE. (slightly confused) Okay.
JEFF. Its perfectly natural that if someone like that wants to walk down the street in public being gay or different - that someone else is gonna beat the crap out of them. What did they expect?
MIKE. Oh shit
JEFF. I mean, are we supposed to be shocked that someone got roughed up?
MIKE. Okay, I think we better stop this conversation before someone gets roughed up right here tonight.
JEFF. I mean, look, put yourself in their shoes.
MIKE. Id probably better not.
JEFF. What if you were living in Wyoming. Or someplace in the Midwest or in America. And there was some Jewish guy you felt like beating the crap out of. What would you want people to do? Try to stop you? Or try to help you out?
MIKE. (Long beat.) Im Jewish.
JEFF. (Long beat.) Really?
JEFF. Why? Are you dating someone?
JEFF. Youre not going to get a circumcision are you?
MIKE. Im already circumcised.
JEFF. Wow. She must be hot.
MIKE. Ive always been Jewish.
JEFF. Since when?
MIKE. All along!
JEFF. The whole time weve been sitting here?
MIKE. As long as youve known me!
JEFF. Oh, please! You are not.
MIKE. Why is that so hard to believe?
JEFF. You act perfectly normal.
MIKE. I am perfectly normal.
JEFF. I thought you said you were Jewish?
MIKE. Jews are perfectly normal!
JEFF. (scoffs) Have you ever met one?
MIKE. Yes! I know many many many Jews.
JEFF. Wow. Youre serious about this. So, wait, so this whole time Ive known you, youve been secretly Jewish?
MIKE. Its not a secret! Youre just incredibly dense.
JEFF. (hurt) Im just sayin... You could have told me.
MIKE. I shouldnt have to tell you. It shouldnt matter!
JEFF. (backpedaling) Oh, it doesnt matter. Not to me. Not at all. If thats the way you want to be then I accept that. And its totally cool. And it doesnt change anything. (beat) Does your family know?
MIKE. Yes! Of course they know!
JEFF. Good, thats the best way. Hiding it just makes it worse when they find out.
MIKE. I cant believe this is happening.
JEFF. When did you first realize you were yknow ?
MIKE. When I was just a little boy, I used to sneak into my rabbis closet and try on his tallis.
MIKE. No! Ive always known! Since birth!
JEFF. Oh, well, thats different. If you were born that way, you cant help it. But yknow some people get it from hanging around too many Jews, and they get converted. And sometimes its just from bad parenting.
MIKE. Im starting to wonder about your parenting.
JEFF. Oh, I know. I came this close to being raised mentally-handicapped. (Beat.) Dont worry, Mike were going to get through this. Were going to fix you.
MIKE. You know, now that you mention it, I am starting to feel like beating the crap out of someone.
JEFF. Good, thats great! Get it out. You cant keep this bottled up. (stands up and looks at the audience) So what do you like? We better start you off easy. I think I saw some women around here.
(MIKE is about to HIT JEFF WITH A CHAIR --- BLACKOUT.)
Performed by Jeff Goode & Mike Rothschild.