copyright © 2006 Jeff Goode

Movie Reviews with Mike & Jeff:

"The Da Vinci Code"

by Jeff Goode

copyright © 2006

(Lights up on: MIKE & JEFF SITTING.)

JEFF. I saw that Da Vinci Code movie.

MIKE. Yeah? How was it?

JEFF. That movie is going straight to hell.

MIKE. Here we go.

JEFF. Tom Hanks is this old guy who goes to France and hooks up with this young, hottie Audrey Potato–

MIKE. I think you mean Tatou.

JEFF. (rolls his eyes at Mike) He hooks up with this Audrey Po-tatou in France–


JEFF. –and they travel all over Europe trying to find out who fucked Jesus Christ while he was hanging on the cross, and it turns out it was — check this out — it was the Virgin Mary!

MIKE. Mary Magdalene.

JEFF. That’s the one! Wait, how did you know her last name?

MIKE. I read the book.

JEFF. There’s a book?

MIKE. Yes. The movie is based on a book.

JEFF. I thought it was based on the Bible.

MIKE. No, it’s not. (patronizing) Though, the Bible is a book.

JEFF. No, the Bible is the Word of God.

MIKE. In book form.

JEFF. Yeah, I suppose. But that’s like saying Star Wars is the greatest story ever told. In movie form.

MIKE. Except that actually, The Greatest Story Ever Told is supposed to be the Jesus story.

JEFF. What’s great about that? The Jesus story sucks! Here’s this gay guy hangin’ out with 12 other dudes, making ‘em break his buns and drink his flesh, but then he gets arrested for making out with Judas in public, and so Mel Gibson beats the shit out of him until he goes, "You know what? You’re right, I’m not a Jew, I’m a Christian. And plus I’m not gay anymore, now I want to fuck the Virgin Mary." Only now he’s nailed to the cross, so how is that even possible? Unless she had to balance on his dick, while he was dying. Which would mean Mary Magdalene was not a virgin, but a total whore. Of, like, Biblical proportions. Which, if that’s the case, I gotta start jerkin’ off to the New Testament more often, because that sounds hot!

MIKE. …And you think this movie is going to hell?

JEFF. Hell, yes! Thou shalt not lie!

(Beat. Mike tries to figure that out, but he has no idea.)

MIKE. And the movie is lying, how?

JEFF. Because it has Tom Hanks hooking up with Audrey Po-tatou, who is, like, half his age. That’s just sick.

MIKE. Audrey Tatou.

JEFF. Audrey would not fuck Tom Hanks if he was nailed to a cross. I mean, I know she’s French, but she’s not stupid. She’s gotta know he’s mentally retarded. Plus he got AIDs in Philadelphia - which is probably why he got kicked out of the space program — so, legally, he shouldn’t be having sex with anyone.

MIKE. Tom Hanks didn’t get kicked out of the space program because he had AIDs.

JEFF. No, he got kicked out of the space program because he was gay. Which is the same reason Jesus got kicked out of the Jewish church.

MIKE. Because he was gay?

JEFF. Because he kissed a boy. And after that, no church on earth would take him. Except the Catholics.

MIKE. You’re going to hell.

JEFF. …At least I’ll be there with Jesus.





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