Movie Reviews with Mike & Jeff:
by Jeff Goode
copyright © 2006
JEFF. Hey. Sorry Im late.
MIKE. Youre not late. You were here when I got here.
JEFF. Really? Wow. I mustve dozed off. Remake Week really takes it out of me.
MIKE. Remake week?
JEFF. Dont get me wrong. I enjoy sitting in a dark theatre for 6 hours as much as the next guy.
MIKE. It takes you 6 hours to watch a movie?
JEFF. For a remake, yeah. Because before you can see the movie, you have to see the original. And then sometimes you have to see the original again after, because you learned something new. Like when it was revealed that R2D2 was really Darth Vaders father.
MIKE. He was not!
JEFF. Then how come they have the same hairline?! That shit is hereditary.
MIKE. So you saw a remake this week?
JEFF. I had no choice, all the movies that came out this week were remakes. Thats what Remake Week is about. The studios release all their remakes at once and see if one floats.
MIKE. I assume youre talking about All The Kings Men.
JEFF. Thats right. First up is All The Kings Men a remake of the beloved childrens classic from 1949 All The Kings Men starring some old 1940s actor.
MIKE. Did you say "childrens classic"?
JEFF. In this new updated version starring Sean Penn as Humpty Dumpty
MIKE. Humpty Dumpty??
JEFF. Or maybe he was the King. I dont know. I was really confused by this movie.
MIKE. All The Kings Men is not a remake of Humpty Dumpty.
JEFF. No, its a remake of All The Kings Men
JEFF. Which was a remake of Humpty Dumpty.
MIKE. No, its not.
JEFF. "All the kings horses and all the kings men, couldnt put Humpty together--"
MIKE. I know the nursery rhyme.
JEFF. This version was a big disappointment because it really only tells half the story. We never see any of the Kings Horses, so we dont ever get their side of the story.
MIKE. You also dont see any giant eggs.
JEFF. Which is the other flaw with this movie. I think Sean Penn was completely miscast. They needed to go with someone more egg-shaped as Humpty. Like Chris Farley.
MIKE. Chris Farley is dead.
JEFF. Not in 1949, he wasnt.
MIKE. No, in 1949 he wasnt born.
JEFF. Exactly! He would have been an egg. And if they had cast Chris Farley in the original movie, they would have had to cast someone who looks like him in the remake. Or put Sean Penn into a fat suit. Or remake it with a digital Chris Farley and a whole bunch of CGI horses, and unicorns.
MIKE. Thats idiotic.
JEFF. I know. Total thumbs down.
MIKE. I told you, you cant say that.
JEFF. Why not?
MIKE. Were not those guys.
JEFF. What guys?
MIKE. The thumbs down guys.
JEFF. The Roman emperors?
MIKE. No, the guys thatnever mind.
JEFF. Our second movie of the All-Remake Weekend is Flyboys. A bold re-imagineering of the Jeff Goldblum classic The Fly in which Jeff Goldblums illegitimate offspring from the first movie grow up and travel back in time to become World War I flying aces. Now heres what I found fake about this
MIKE. Oh boy
JEFF. The Fly Boys are part Fly. Why would they need airplanes to fight the Nazis? Thats just stupid.
MIKE. That makes 3 of you.
JEFF. Next up! Jackass Number Two. A remake of the Johnny Knoxville classic Jackass No Number. With Johnny Knoxville taking over in the role of "himself" that he created in the original movie just 4 years ago. Weird.
MIKE. I think youre confusing remake and sequel.
JEFF. A sequel is when the plot of one movie continues on into the next movie.
JEFF. And a remake is when you take the exact same plot and do it all over again in the second movie exactly the same.
JEFF. So Jackass is a remake of Jackass.
MIKE. (beat) When you make sense, thats not cool.
MIKE. It confuses me.
JEFF. Jackass is an incredible special effects-laden extravaganza
JEFF. I havent seen someone take a beating this bad since the Passion of the Christ. My balls still ache from some of the CGI in this movie.
MIKE. Those are not special effects.
JEFF. Theyre not?
MIKE. All that stuff really happened, thats the whole point.
JEFF. Youre kidding!
JEFF. Even the part where they whipped the shit out of him, and stapled him to the cross?
MIKE. No, Jackass.
MIKE. No, the movie Jackass was real. The Passion of the Christ was not.
JEFF. (beat) Youre a Jew, arent you?
MIKE. Moving on.
JEFF. Finally, the coup de grace of All-Remake Weekend is Jet Lis Fearless. Which is a remake of Jeff Bridgess Fearless from 1993 in which Jeff Bridges gets in a plane crash, and then turns into a total pussy who has to see a therapist to solve his problems. In this new version, Jet Li plays Jeff Bridges, and after the plane crash he doesnt become a pussy at all, but kicks the ass of everybody in China instead. Way cooler. Plus, he doesnt need to see a therapist anyway, because they cut the plane crash scene. So its just Jeff Bridges kicking ass for the whole movie played by Jet Li.
MIKE. I dont even know where to begin.
JEFF. Thats okay, because our work here is done. Thats all for Remake Week. Tune in next time when adult porn star Tickle Me Elmo tries to make a career comeback with a remake of the original Elmo doll.
MIKE. Tickle Me Elmo is not a sex toy.
JEFF. Not if you hold it wrong.
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Performed by Jeff Goode & Mike Rothschild.